The reality of being a single mother hits me the most when I'm alone in the sonogram room. I have so much joy and love for this little thing inside of me, and I cannot share it. It's not easy- knowing you are in this alone.
Yes, I have family willing to help me with the process, but they cannot help me with the loneliness that I feel. I cannot share the joys of watching the baby grow with its father. And, my mother is completely unsupportive- especially emotionally. I am on my own.
I could take the cowards way out. I could abort and kill this life in me. But, that is not me. I don't kill. I am prepared to do what I can and must to survive and provide for my child. They did not ask to be brought to this world. But I was granted this gift to carry this being into life and I will protect it.
No one is ever ready to be a parent. The thoughts that run through my head scare me and they petrify me. I do have plans but at the same time I don't know what to do. I wish I had the baby's father to stand with me. I wish I had my mother to support me. And, it kills me inside to feel so alone. Because that is my greatest fear to be alone, but now so many more fears involving the baby are springing up. What if I do something wrong and the baby comes out unhealthy? What if I choose the wrong schools? What if the baby takes after its father? All of those ideas scare me- and so many more thoughts rage in my head.
And, somewhere within the fears surrounding the baby, my selfish fear always manages to surface. I don't want to be alone.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
I Have to Stay Strong
The past two years have changed my life. Not sure if for the better because honestly, I do not think I have ever been more hurt. I was in love with someone, who I thought cared for me- but it turns out I was just a side piece he was using. He told me many pretty lies and I believed them. And, he would have kept telling me the pretty lies except I told him one truth he could not run away from. I carry our child.
Needless to say he wasn't thrilled. He tried everything in the book to force me to abort but I stood strong and refused. Because while having a baby with me means the end of the world for him- for me the baby was made out of love.
I know all his reasons for not wanting to have a baby with me and I respect them all- they are very logical and make perfect sense. But they mean nothing to me. To me, what I have inside is alive. It has a heartbeat and it is growing. My first proud moment as a mother was hearing the strong heartbeat that the fetus had. It's hard for some women to hear their fetus' heartbeat after 5 or 6 weeks. But here I am, my fetus only four weeks and its heartbeat is so strong. And, I know it got its strength from its father. Because he is a physically strong person.
The only reason I would abort this opportunity is because its medical and health in the future would be at risk. I'm going to take a genetic disabilities test as soon as possible so I can know. If the tests come back negative for anything to worry about, I will keep the baby and raise it on my own. If the tests come back positive for something, then he will get his wish. And, I will abort.
This time, these moments of being a mother should all be filled with joy. But instead I am crushed from the truth. I am heartbroken and alone. I am afraid. my life was never easy. And, it never will be, especially so now. But I am willing to keep fighting.
Needless to say he wasn't thrilled. He tried everything in the book to force me to abort but I stood strong and refused. Because while having a baby with me means the end of the world for him- for me the baby was made out of love.
I know all his reasons for not wanting to have a baby with me and I respect them all- they are very logical and make perfect sense. But they mean nothing to me. To me, what I have inside is alive. It has a heartbeat and it is growing. My first proud moment as a mother was hearing the strong heartbeat that the fetus had. It's hard for some women to hear their fetus' heartbeat after 5 or 6 weeks. But here I am, my fetus only four weeks and its heartbeat is so strong. And, I know it got its strength from its father. Because he is a physically strong person.
The only reason I would abort this opportunity is because its medical and health in the future would be at risk. I'm going to take a genetic disabilities test as soon as possible so I can know. If the tests come back negative for anything to worry about, I will keep the baby and raise it on my own. If the tests come back positive for something, then he will get his wish. And, I will abort.
This time, these moments of being a mother should all be filled with joy. But instead I am crushed from the truth. I am heartbroken and alone. I am afraid. my life was never easy. And, it never will be, especially so now. But I am willing to keep fighting.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
The One Given Adventure
So, this is in the aftermath of watching a very sad movie in which lovers are torn apart by death. There is nothing special about this movie; it does not stand out from others with the same premise. But, since I seem to have the theme of "love" for my blogs, I decided to write something real quick.
I want to link the ideas of "Life is short." with "Love."
I believe in love. I believe in all kinds of love. To quote a favorite series of mine, "Love as thou wilt." I believe everyone should experience the heart racing, heart breaking, heart stopping kind of love. I had that love once, and while it is gone now, it was beautiful while it lasted. Love is just one of the many adventures that life offers.
And for so many of us, we live such boring lives. And, please, let us not try to lie to ourselves. We are born, we go to school, we study for jobs that in the end really don't make us happy, and then we die. Many of us die without having experienced any true thrill- any true happiness.
So, why can't we just allow ourselves the one given adventure? To fall in love? To be in love? To have love?
Love isn't a privilege; it isn't a commodity.
But the world now, treats it as such. Or, even worse- treats love, as if it is nothing.
"Love doesn't pay bills." So... does that mean it's not worth your time and effort? Why are bills more important than love? Bills don't make us happy- they NEVER will. But, love... can.
Nowadays, men and women play games with each other. The game of who can fall first. The game of who is stronger in staving off the feelings of love. The game of pretend and deceit. - It is disrespectful.
Why treat the one given adventure life makes available for us- like garbage? Why treat it so poorly? Did no one ever think to stop and wonder that maybe, just maybe- if we gave love the respect it deserves, that everyone would be happy? Happy because they were able to experience the adventure of love. To not bow in fear before the unknown, but to surrender in courage. To allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust in another soul?
To see..... that it IS beautiful.
Love is everywhere and available for anyone and everyone to have if they just allow themselves to give in to the unknown future.
We all know love can end terribly. Love is like life: it can end pleasantly or unpleasantly. And, what person in their right mind wants an unpleasant end? No one! So, what do we do to try and prevent it? We try to control every living waking moment of our lives. We cower and bow down to fear and as a result, live these boring lives.
Life should be full of life- exhilaration- adrenaline- real light in your eyes- twinkle in your smile- happiness. But, we can't have that, can we? We need money to do what we truly want. We need money to free and go on adventure.
So why not take the free adventure, that no business or corporation or government can put a price on? LOVE.
Why not seek it out? Why not be brave and go on an adventure? Give yourself over to the unknown and let your heart race with the fear that is can end in a way you cannot control? Why not take that gamble?
Life is short. People die everyday for every and any kind of reason. Could you really say that if you died today, you have ever loved? Did you ever give yourself over? Surrender to the unknown feelings and thoughts and choices that will affect your life if you loved? If not, then why are you alive? Why are you still breathing? Why are you just another worker bee in this world? Why are you acting just the same?
Give yourself over. Find love. Fall in love.
Remember back in high school, when you had no cares in the world? When you felt invincible? That is how you should be everyday of your life. Seek out that feeling you once had and hold onto it. That youthful naive courage is what you should always have no matter how old you are. Find that fire again. Use it.
I want to link the ideas of "Life is short." with "Love."
I believe in love. I believe in all kinds of love. To quote a favorite series of mine, "Love as thou wilt." I believe everyone should experience the heart racing, heart breaking, heart stopping kind of love. I had that love once, and while it is gone now, it was beautiful while it lasted. Love is just one of the many adventures that life offers.
And for so many of us, we live such boring lives. And, please, let us not try to lie to ourselves. We are born, we go to school, we study for jobs that in the end really don't make us happy, and then we die. Many of us die without having experienced any true thrill- any true happiness.
So, why can't we just allow ourselves the one given adventure? To fall in love? To be in love? To have love?
Love isn't a privilege; it isn't a commodity.
But the world now, treats it as such. Or, even worse- treats love, as if it is nothing.
"Love doesn't pay bills." So... does that mean it's not worth your time and effort? Why are bills more important than love? Bills don't make us happy- they NEVER will. But, love... can.
Nowadays, men and women play games with each other. The game of who can fall first. The game of who is stronger in staving off the feelings of love. The game of pretend and deceit. - It is disrespectful.
Why treat the one given adventure life makes available for us- like garbage? Why treat it so poorly? Did no one ever think to stop and wonder that maybe, just maybe- if we gave love the respect it deserves, that everyone would be happy? Happy because they were able to experience the adventure of love. To not bow in fear before the unknown, but to surrender in courage. To allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust in another soul?
To see..... that it IS beautiful.
Love is everywhere and available for anyone and everyone to have if they just allow themselves to give in to the unknown future.
We all know love can end terribly. Love is like life: it can end pleasantly or unpleasantly. And, what person in their right mind wants an unpleasant end? No one! So, what do we do to try and prevent it? We try to control every living waking moment of our lives. We cower and bow down to fear and as a result, live these boring lives.
Life should be full of life- exhilaration- adrenaline- real light in your eyes- twinkle in your smile- happiness. But, we can't have that, can we? We need money to do what we truly want. We need money to free and go on adventure.
So why not take the free adventure, that no business or corporation or government can put a price on? LOVE.
Why not seek it out? Why not be brave and go on an adventure? Give yourself over to the unknown and let your heart race with the fear that is can end in a way you cannot control? Why not take that gamble?
Life is short. People die everyday for every and any kind of reason. Could you really say that if you died today, you have ever loved? Did you ever give yourself over? Surrender to the unknown feelings and thoughts and choices that will affect your life if you loved? If not, then why are you alive? Why are you still breathing? Why are you just another worker bee in this world? Why are you acting just the same?
Give yourself over. Find love. Fall in love.
Remember back in high school, when you had no cares in the world? When you felt invincible? That is how you should be everyday of your life. Seek out that feeling you once had and hold onto it. That youthful naive courage is what you should always have no matter how old you are. Find that fire again. Use it.
Friday, September 5, 2014
The Only Rule(s) for Love
I've been trying to write an article about the rules for love. But... I can't. Because the truth is that the whole world has its views and beliefs about what being in love means and what it entails, but the hardcore truth is there is only one rule for love: Do not be responsible for the hurt done to the person you love.
Simply put: do not disrespect, dishonor, or belittle your significant other. And, I'm not just talking about romantic love. This rule is for all kinds of love. Love for your family. Love for your friends. Love for your lover. Just Do Not Hurt Them.
Yes, of course, the beliefs of society are also very good rules. Don't cheat. Always be there. Stand united. Etc. These are the ideals we all hope to have in any relationship. I mean afterall, who wants to be betrayed by someone they love or someone who claims to love them? No one, that's who.
I have this romanticized view on loving people. I love everyone with my whole heart and there is nothing I wouldn't do to help them. I would indeed sacrifice my life for them if needed. I know, I know. Many people say the same thing and of course don't follow through. But, believe it or not, I am one of the few people left alive that can love unconditionally.
Society has belittled emotions and feelings to be irrational and illogical. And, yes, I definitely agree that they are, but it does not make them any less important. How someone feels influences how they think- and that determines what kind of person they are. It is all linked.
People have become so selfish in this day and age. And, I think it is because they are afraid to be hurt. - Well, they should be. But, that doesn't mean they should hold themselves off or follow through self destructive tendencies.
Why cheat? If you love someone- shouldn't you have all you want and need in that person? What are you seeking elsewhere?
Always be there- If you expect your significant other to be there- you should be there for them in turn. It is only fair. And, yes. A relationship does need to be fair. It cannot be one sided. One person cannot be more important than another. Because, in the ideal world, no one person is more important than another.
Support your significant other in whatever endeavors they pursue. The world is full of people ready to put a person down. They do not need it from you. What they need from you is support. Always support people you love. Even if you think it is stupid and you disagree with every atom of your being. Support them. Because you never know how important it is to them.
In the end, I just simply advise that you just love the person with all you heart and do everything you possibly can to make them happy. Push aside the fear, because fear will get you nothing. Live and love as much as you can.
Simply put: do not disrespect, dishonor, or belittle your significant other. And, I'm not just talking about romantic love. This rule is for all kinds of love. Love for your family. Love for your friends. Love for your lover. Just Do Not Hurt Them.
Yes, of course, the beliefs of society are also very good rules. Don't cheat. Always be there. Stand united. Etc. These are the ideals we all hope to have in any relationship. I mean afterall, who wants to be betrayed by someone they love or someone who claims to love them? No one, that's who.
I have this romanticized view on loving people. I love everyone with my whole heart and there is nothing I wouldn't do to help them. I would indeed sacrifice my life for them if needed. I know, I know. Many people say the same thing and of course don't follow through. But, believe it or not, I am one of the few people left alive that can love unconditionally.
Society has belittled emotions and feelings to be irrational and illogical. And, yes, I definitely agree that they are, but it does not make them any less important. How someone feels influences how they think- and that determines what kind of person they are. It is all linked.
People have become so selfish in this day and age. And, I think it is because they are afraid to be hurt. - Well, they should be. But, that doesn't mean they should hold themselves off or follow through self destructive tendencies.
Why cheat? If you love someone- shouldn't you have all you want and need in that person? What are you seeking elsewhere?
Always be there- If you expect your significant other to be there- you should be there for them in turn. It is only fair. And, yes. A relationship does need to be fair. It cannot be one sided. One person cannot be more important than another. Because, in the ideal world, no one person is more important than another.
Support your significant other in whatever endeavors they pursue. The world is full of people ready to put a person down. They do not need it from you. What they need from you is support. Always support people you love. Even if you think it is stupid and you disagree with every atom of your being. Support them. Because you never know how important it is to them.
In the end, I just simply advise that you just love the person with all you heart and do everything you possibly can to make them happy. Push aside the fear, because fear will get you nothing. Live and love as much as you can.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Primal SoulMating and Monogamy
This day and age, society has destroyed the meaning of the word, just like it did with love. Soulmate is now a word thrown around everyday by people who don't understand what it truly means to be a soulmate. If asked what a 'soulmate' is, most of the human population would say something similar to or along the lines of two people destined to be together by fate; two halves of heart meeting and uniting to be together forever in love and the rest of their lives.
Romantics believe in this notion and realists scoff at it. I harbor both sentiments. I believe that soulmates exist but not in the romantic way. Well, how is that possible- to believe in soulmates but not in a romantic sense? Well, because for me, soulmates are the most real form of love out there. Being a soulmate means you have compassion and empathy and an endless love for your significant other- even if you don't want to.
The new age idea is that monogamy is unnatural. Immediately, I say- you are wrong. Why? Because there are in fact, several other animal species, besides our own, that live the monogamous lifestyle. Penguins. Seahorses. Wolves. Gibbons. Swans. Angelfish. Vultures. Turtledoves. Eagles. And a few more. So there, clearly monogamy is a very natural thing.
I personally think that those who think monogamy is unnatural- it is because they never witnessed a successful monogamous relationship. And, it's sad, but this day and age- romance has been lost because people fear to open to it. They would much rather sleep around, get STIs and STDs, have babby mamas and baby daddys. And, sure they can talk up the free lifestyle- but in the end the sad truth is- they are still lonely and one day they will wake up old and alone, with no one special to share anything with- all because they rejected the idea of monogamy. And the irony is, they rejected it so they wouldn't get hurt, but aren't they hurt being alone?
Now, let me be clear, I am not saying that having a soulmate is the answer. And, I am not saying that having a soulmate is better. What I am saying is that there is a different form of soulmate that isn't in books. It isn't the kind of stuff romance novels are made of. It is an ancient form of love. It is primal. It is a part of the human species' instinct that was lost over time as civilizations and societies began to grow.
Primal Soulmating is not love at first sight. Primal Soulmating is not two souls predetermined to meet and unite. Primal Soulmating is not a love connection between two opposites or two personality in-sync people. Primal Soulmating is not romantic. Primal Soulmating is the bond formed when one truly loves another for no purpose. There are no reasons for this love, but you feel it. You are inclined to stay true to it, protect, nourish, nurture, and develop this love even if it not wanted. You cannot control who you love.
A Primal Soulmate is often misunderstood and confused with someone who will not "let go" when the relationship is over. A Primal Soulmate is bonded against their will to another and often resent the bond. But, because it is their soulmate, they try to make it work.
So far, Primal Soulmating sounds like your typical love. Well, here is where it starts to get different. If and when a Primal Soulmating is broken, the broken heart cannot be healed. It ceases to work and it dies. The Soulmate in extreme heartbroken cases- literally dies or in some cases, stays alone for the rest of their life. When you hear someone say, they had a great love once but are still alone now- chances are they are one of the people still in touch with their primal instincts to have that connection.
Primal Soulmating is a curse. It's not something people should want or desire. Because the pain caused by a broken one is irreversible. Every heartbeat is painful and it can last for years until the numbness takes over or the heart dies. Or, if that Soulmate is lucky- they find another they are bonded to and hopefully, that love will last.
But sometimes, Primal Soulmating is a kind of love that some people should have or even deserve. Because Primal Soulmating is the purest and most selfless love in existence and if everyone loved like they did- the world would be perfect.
I fear, I haven't explained all too well what it is Primal Soulmating is. All I can say is, if you are capable of Primal Soulmating- you'll know. And, I wish you luck in love and to never have heartbreak, because I know the pain. I am one of the few capable of Primal Soulmating and for me- it has been nothing but a curse.
Romantics believe in this notion and realists scoff at it. I harbor both sentiments. I believe that soulmates exist but not in the romantic way. Well, how is that possible- to believe in soulmates but not in a romantic sense? Well, because for me, soulmates are the most real form of love out there. Being a soulmate means you have compassion and empathy and an endless love for your significant other- even if you don't want to.
The new age idea is that monogamy is unnatural. Immediately, I say- you are wrong. Why? Because there are in fact, several other animal species, besides our own, that live the monogamous lifestyle. Penguins. Seahorses. Wolves. Gibbons. Swans. Angelfish. Vultures. Turtledoves. Eagles. And a few more. So there, clearly monogamy is a very natural thing.
I personally think that those who think monogamy is unnatural- it is because they never witnessed a successful monogamous relationship. And, it's sad, but this day and age- romance has been lost because people fear to open to it. They would much rather sleep around, get STIs and STDs, have babby mamas and baby daddys. And, sure they can talk up the free lifestyle- but in the end the sad truth is- they are still lonely and one day they will wake up old and alone, with no one special to share anything with- all because they rejected the idea of monogamy. And the irony is, they rejected it so they wouldn't get hurt, but aren't they hurt being alone?
Now, let me be clear, I am not saying that having a soulmate is the answer. And, I am not saying that having a soulmate is better. What I am saying is that there is a different form of soulmate that isn't in books. It isn't the kind of stuff romance novels are made of. It is an ancient form of love. It is primal. It is a part of the human species' instinct that was lost over time as civilizations and societies began to grow.
Primal Soulmating is not love at first sight. Primal Soulmating is not two souls predetermined to meet and unite. Primal Soulmating is not a love connection between two opposites or two personality in-sync people. Primal Soulmating is not romantic. Primal Soulmating is the bond formed when one truly loves another for no purpose. There are no reasons for this love, but you feel it. You are inclined to stay true to it, protect, nourish, nurture, and develop this love even if it not wanted. You cannot control who you love.
A Primal Soulmate is often misunderstood and confused with someone who will not "let go" when the relationship is over. A Primal Soulmate is bonded against their will to another and often resent the bond. But, because it is their soulmate, they try to make it work.
So far, Primal Soulmating sounds like your typical love. Well, here is where it starts to get different. If and when a Primal Soulmating is broken, the broken heart cannot be healed. It ceases to work and it dies. The Soulmate in extreme heartbroken cases- literally dies or in some cases, stays alone for the rest of their life. When you hear someone say, they had a great love once but are still alone now- chances are they are one of the people still in touch with their primal instincts to have that connection.
Primal Soulmating is a curse. It's not something people should want or desire. Because the pain caused by a broken one is irreversible. Every heartbeat is painful and it can last for years until the numbness takes over or the heart dies. Or, if that Soulmate is lucky- they find another they are bonded to and hopefully, that love will last.
But sometimes, Primal Soulmating is a kind of love that some people should have or even deserve. Because Primal Soulmating is the purest and most selfless love in existence and if everyone loved like they did- the world would be perfect.
I fear, I haven't explained all too well what it is Primal Soulmating is. All I can say is, if you are capable of Primal Soulmating- you'll know. And, I wish you luck in love and to never have heartbreak, because I know the pain. I am one of the few capable of Primal Soulmating and for me- it has been nothing but a curse.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Death is never fair, neither is true karma- So take what you want.
I was talking with a coworker of mine. She said she recently began speaking with an old elementary friend that she lost touch with. While reunions are touching and sweet, this was not. But, not because they realized how they changed and had little in common- that was not the case. The reason why the reunion was not sweet was because my coworker learned that her friend had been shot four times by her baby's daddy- but she survived- only, to be diagnosed with brain cancer. ..... That is some serious bullshit.
How do you survive four bullets only to be diagnosed with brain cancer? Why does life spare you the quick death of bleeding out, only to give you a prolonged miserable suffering with brain cancer?
Now, you may say- well maybe they deserved it? Karma is a bitch. My coworker says this woman was good, and since I don't know her personally, I have no choice but to believe that this woman was good. So going along with that idea- why? Why do the good people always suffer and the bad people get whatever they want?
My coworker said, if you think in the biblical sense, it makes sense that bad people are happy because this is their true prize. They have earthly happiness, but in the afterlife will be punished. So then I said what about the good people? When do the good people get what they deserve? When they die? That's bullshit. How am I going to be happy when I'm dead? I'll be dead. Can I enjoy the sunny beach when I'm dead? Can I enjoy silk sheets on a California sized bed when I'm dead? And, what about when I am reincarnated? I'm going to have to go through all the bullshit of learning morality and such just to decided whether or not I want to lead a good life and not get what I deserve or leading a life of selfishness and crime and worrying about my shitty afterlife. What part of all this is fair?
Following the reincarnation idea: If I lead a life of good and don't get what I deserve in this life- then I am supposed to get it in my next. But following the rule of reincarnation- I won't remember who I was and what I did so, how do I know I truly deserve what has happened to me or what I have? I mean this train of thought also goes for if I chose to be bad. Because likewise, if I have a shitty second life, I'm going to wonder what the hell I did in my previous life to deserve this one.
So why not lead a life of crime if I can get away with it? Why not use people? Why not take what I want and what I can get and even more? Why do I have to be good, when karma isn't guaranteed? Why do I have to be good and suffer while everyone else gets to play? Why do I have to be good when everyone else is bad? Why do I have to be good?
How do you survive four bullets only to be diagnosed with brain cancer? Why does life spare you the quick death of bleeding out, only to give you a prolonged miserable suffering with brain cancer?
Now, you may say- well maybe they deserved it? Karma is a bitch. My coworker says this woman was good, and since I don't know her personally, I have no choice but to believe that this woman was good. So going along with that idea- why? Why do the good people always suffer and the bad people get whatever they want?
My coworker said, if you think in the biblical sense, it makes sense that bad people are happy because this is their true prize. They have earthly happiness, but in the afterlife will be punished. So then I said what about the good people? When do the good people get what they deserve? When they die? That's bullshit. How am I going to be happy when I'm dead? I'll be dead. Can I enjoy the sunny beach when I'm dead? Can I enjoy silk sheets on a California sized bed when I'm dead? And, what about when I am reincarnated? I'm going to have to go through all the bullshit of learning morality and such just to decided whether or not I want to lead a good life and not get what I deserve or leading a life of selfishness and crime and worrying about my shitty afterlife. What part of all this is fair?
Following the reincarnation idea: If I lead a life of good and don't get what I deserve in this life- then I am supposed to get it in my next. But following the rule of reincarnation- I won't remember who I was and what I did so, how do I know I truly deserve what has happened to me or what I have? I mean this train of thought also goes for if I chose to be bad. Because likewise, if I have a shitty second life, I'm going to wonder what the hell I did in my previous life to deserve this one.
So why not lead a life of crime if I can get away with it? Why not use people? Why not take what I want and what I can get and even more? Why do I have to be good, when karma isn't guaranteed? Why do I have to be good and suffer while everyone else gets to play? Why do I have to be good when everyone else is bad? Why do I have to be good?
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