The reality of being a single mother hits me the most when I'm alone in the sonogram room. I have so much joy and love for this little thing inside of me, and I cannot share it. It's not easy- knowing you are in this alone.
Yes, I have family willing to help me with the process, but they cannot help me with the loneliness that I feel. I cannot share the joys of watching the baby grow with its father. And, my mother is completely unsupportive- especially emotionally. I am on my own.
I could take the cowards way out. I could abort and kill this life in me. But, that is not me. I don't kill. I am prepared to do what I can and must to survive and provide for my child. They did not ask to be brought to this world. But I was granted this gift to carry this being into life and I will protect it.
No one is ever ready to be a parent. The thoughts that run through my head scare me and they petrify me. I do have plans but at the same time I don't know what to do. I wish I had the baby's father to stand with me. I wish I had my mother to support me. And, it kills me inside to feel so alone. Because that is my greatest fear to be alone, but now so many more fears involving the baby are springing up. What if I do something wrong and the baby comes out unhealthy? What if I choose the wrong schools? What if the baby takes after its father? All of those ideas scare me- and so many more thoughts rage in my head.
And, somewhere within the fears surrounding the baby, my selfish fear always manages to surface. I don't want to be alone.
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