Single Mother Fears

     The reality of being a single mother hits me the most when I'm alone in the sonogram room. I have so much joy and love for this little thing inside of me, and I cannot share it. It's not easy- knowing you are in this alone.
     Yes, I have family willing to help me with the process, but they cannot help me with the loneliness that I feel. I cannot share the joys of watching the baby grow with its father. And, my mother is completely unsupportive- especially emotionally. I am on my own.
     I could take the cowards way out. I could abort and kill this life in me. But, that is not me. I don't kill. I am prepared to do what I can and must to survive and provide for my child. They did not ask to be brought to this world. But I was granted this gift to carry this being into life and I will protect it.
     No one is ever ready to be a parent. The thoughts that run through my head scare me and they petrify me. I do have plans but at the same time I don't know what to do. I wish I had the baby's father to stand with me. I wish I had my mother to support me. And, it kills me inside to feel so alone. Because that is my greatest fear to be alone, but now so many more fears involving the baby are springing up. What if I do something wrong and the baby comes out unhealthy? What if I choose the wrong schools? What if the baby takes after its father? All of those ideas scare me- and so many more thoughts rage in my head.
     And, somewhere within the fears surrounding the baby, my selfish fear always manages to surface. I don't want to be alone.

I Have to Stay Strong

     The past two years have changed my life. Not sure if for the better because honestly, I do not think I have ever been more hurt. I was in love with someone, who I thought cared for me- but it turns out I was just a side piece he was using. He told me many pretty lies and I believed them. And, he would have kept telling me the pretty lies except I told him one truth he could not run away from. I carry our child.
     Needless to say he wasn't thrilled. He tried everything in the book to force me to abort but I stood strong and refused. Because while having a baby with me means the end of the world for him- for me the baby was made out of love.
     I know all his reasons for not wanting to have a baby with me and I respect them all- they are very logical and make perfect sense. But they mean nothing to me. To me, what I have inside is alive. It has a heartbeat and it is growing. My first proud moment as a mother was hearing the strong heartbeat that the fetus had. It's hard for some women to hear their fetus' heartbeat after 5 or 6 weeks. But here I am, my fetus only four weeks and its heartbeat is so strong. And, I know it got its strength from its father. Because he is a physically strong person.
     The only reason I would abort this opportunity is because its medical and health in the future would be at risk. I'm going to take a genetic disabilities test as soon as possible so I can know. If the tests come back negative for anything to worry about, I will keep the baby and raise it on my own. If the tests come back positive for something, then he will get his wish. And, I will abort.
     This time, these moments of being a mother should all be filled with joy. But instead I am crushed from the truth. I am heartbroken and alone. I am afraid. my life was never easy. And, it never will be, especially so now. But I am willing to keep fighting.