My family was never really supportive of my dreams to be a famous movie actress. My mother's side of the family believe dreams are a waste of time and should not be nourished. They're instincts are to survive, no matter how miserable you are. But, I cannot follow that idea. If I am not happy in life, why bother living? Honestly? Why? If I am not happy being alive, what is the point of being alive? So, I can be miserable? I don't think so. My father's side of the family always encouraged dreaming, but never got off their asses to help you in anyway to achieve. There motto is basically, if it happens, it happens, deal with what you have and can get. Not good enough.
I have been passive about pursuing my dreams. I blame everyone and I also blame myself. I blame my parents for not supporting me and I blame myself for being weak and not setting out on my own to do what was needed. But, that is changing. My first step in doing so, was hitting up a dude in my Japanese class and asking him to help me, because he seemed to be getting around a lot more than me. He agreed to help me and we became fast friends. Second step, was to write, write, write and write some more. I have written many short stories, started a dozen scripts, and finished a novella and a few scripts. I am on fire with my writing talent, I just need to find a way to get my good shyt out there.
During a recent trip to Toronto, a young man approached me. He saw me writing a script and we started talking. He asked if I was willing to write his story- not a biography, but an original idea that he came up with. He said he always had trouble getting it down on paper. Well, if you know me, you know that getting ideas down on paper is NOT a problem of mine at all. So, we are collaborating. Apparently, he has a lot of hookups as well. if this collaboration goes well, which I fully intend- I can possibly get the same hookups.
I have also made the decision to move to Los Angeles, home of Hollywood. You always here these stories that actors and actresses get roles, by simply walking into a cafe and having a casting director spot them. Now, I know I'm not gorgeous or tall or even beautiful, but I am at least pretty or decent and well- my racial ambiguity can be a HUGE plus/advantage. But, not only that, at least if I live in L.A. I can personally go to agencies and give them my work. Not to mention, I never planned on staying in New York.
New York was never my home. I stayed for two reasons: my ex and my little brother. Since, neither are in my life anymore, I have no real solid ties to keep me in this god forsaken city. My future home is somewhere clean, quiet, and beautiful. I haven't found it yet, and I also doubt L.A. will be final resting place, but it is a start.
And, I'm frightened. I'm so scared, of what will happen and can happen. But, I will count my blessing that I have a definite friend who is moving with me and possibly a few others who will join in the journey. But, as it is, there is a deep breath stopping fear that is gripping my insides and I want to scream, cry, and laugh all at once. The emotions I feel equal to the thrill of leaping off a cliff and falling far into the water below, frightful and exhilarating.
Forementioned friend and I are going to take driving lessons together. Fuck going to cheap Chinese schools. I'm going to go to the school in my neighborhood and hone my skills. The plan is as follows. After she graduates in December 2014, we will drive cross country to our new home in L.A. And, even though I know she will be with me, I am still afraid to leave all I have known behind. But, I have always been brave and laughed in the face of danger. So, I will do this and keep strong.
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