Need to Feel

     As I have established before, I read a lot. I read often. I read many books in the span of one month. I honestly can say I probably go through a hundred books a year at least. I have another friend who also shares my enthusiasm for books. We don't share the exact same tastes in topics and genres but now and then we find we are able to exchange books and read each other's picks.
     In the past two days I have read four of her books all which belong in the fictional teen angst genre. And, I can just say first and foremost: I have not met anyone who has had such a dramatic teen experience as described in every teen book you come across. Which begs the question: how the hell did these authors get these ideas? It's not realistic. Sure, there are bullies and love triangles, drugs, sex, etc. But none of the situations you come across in these teen angst books have actually ever occurred. So what is it with all the dramatic bullshyt?
     Passion.
     We crave drama which is loaded with passion. In fact, passion is the main ingredient of drama. A cup of passion, sprinkle of logic, 1/4 cup of angst, tablespoon of preferred spice (sex, drugs, etc.), 1/2 cup of love, 1/2 cup of unrequited love. Mix. Bake until done. Remove from oven to cool down.
     The sure silliness of it all, me a young adult reading teen angst books. But goddamn I wish my high school life was that entertaining. Maybe then I wouldn't have hated school so much. But, what i really crave after reading those books, is not drama, but the passion that ignited it all. I want to feel passion for something. No- not something. Someone.
     I want to want someone.
     And, not in a unattainable way like a fangirl wanting a celebrity. I want to want someone attainable and real, someone who I know or maybe even just someone I happened to meet and exchanged clever, witty words like in a rom-com. And, as unrealistic as that sounds, having a rom-com moment can happen, it's just rare and not likely to happen to me.
     But, what is life without passion? All these writers of movies and books, they write about characters that fall in love after a dramatic experience and how having passion got them through to the end.
     It's only natural instinct to want that. And, if you don't you feel empty inside.
     I feel empty inside. I want to want to be in love again. I was in love once and it sucked big time. And, ever since then I guess my subconscious learned its lesson and doesn't want to go through more pain. Either that or, I'm just f*cking picky as hell and I'll be a spinster for the rest of my life, especially since the males of my generation and that before me and definitely that after suck major balls.
     I want to love someone. I think I can love someone well. I just can't find that person I want to love. All these goddamn books and movies about love basically show you that love is easy to find, but it's not. Most people nowadays don't just walk up to someone and say something cool. The lechers of this planet just make lewd comments that make a girl want to punch his lights out.
     But despite all the disappointing picks a woman has of men this day and age, they and I have the need to feel love. We want it, crave it, desire it, wish for it so hard. It's as if the knowledge that passion's fire fuels us to live is engraved in the back of our hearts and we try to seek it out. But, whether or not we find it and succeed in keeping it, is a different story. And, whether or not we keep searching after losing it or not finding the accurate one is also an issue. How many women give up hope after losing love the first time around? How many women keep trying no matter how foolish they look in their continuous attempts?
     How is it fair that men don't feel the same need to seek out love? Or to be fair, why is it MOST men don't feel the need to indulge in genuine passion that does not revolve around two or more naked bodies for a couple of hours?
     I blame society and the lack of true utopianism. Our society pressures us into searching for financial security over personal and genuine happiness? But, what the hell are we working for? Is life really work living without passion for anything? You are born to work and work to live, just to save money to grow old comfortably and die. Where is the joy in that? Sure, you MIGHT get lucky and find love for something or someone, but if you do, you can indulge in it. You have to get back to reality which is to work to survive. If we were in a true utopian society, there would be no such thing as working to survive. In a true utopian society, we work only to get what we need in bare minimum and live out the rest of our time of day seeking out our passions.
     They say that, to marry for love is a luxury and to chase a dream is futile. But why? Why can't people be joined together for love? Why can't the rich man's son become a painter or a teacher? In our pitiful existence of this era, can't we be granted this one thing? We don't have the luxury of seeking out other passions, so if we happen to find one, can't we be granted the peace of seeking ourselves into it?
     As animals, (and yes, I used the terms animals not humans, because we are animals) we need to feel. We need emotions to let us know we are alive, that our hearts beat for a reason, and not just because we happen to exist. I want to know that I am alive and not wasting my time or other considered valuable resources on this planet.
     I want to feel passion for something AND someone. I wish for it. But, whether or not I'll find it is a different thing entirely.

It was "Ours" but not anymore.

     Anyone who has been in a relationship, whether it be significant or not, knows what it means when something is said to be "OUR". For those of you who don't know what "OUR" means in a relationship it basically is a stake claim on something simple like a song, movie, or place that brings forth a surge of positive emotion when you see or here it. For example, in my one almost three year relationship with the guy I thought was "The One", OUR things were: "This Year's Love" by David Gray, "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", and the Monastery Garden in Staten Island. Awesome song, awesome movie, and awesome place.
     The problem with having "OUR" things is that when the relationship is over, every time we see something that was "OUR"s, we no longer get that surge of positive emotion. Instead, we get the heart-wrenching pain in our chest that reminds us it's over.
     My EX dumped me a few weeks before our third year anniversary. It was painful, but I cannot say I didn't see it coming. He changed. I changed. The only thing I knew for certain was that I still wanted to try and make us work; and, he didn't. Nothing you can do about that. I will admit I was a huge f*cking wreck. I honestly don't know how I got through my post breakup stages. But I will also be one of the rare people that admits this, but it took me a long f*cking time to get over it, a few YEARS, to be more specific.
    What made it worse was the unsuspected moments where the things that were "OUR"s would pop into my life. "This Year's Love" was on my iPod. Why? Because it's a nice song. We first bounded over that song and vowed to sing it to each other on our wedding day. I love that song. And, when my iPod was on the rare occasional shuffle, it would come on. In fact, I remember one embarrassing moment when I was on the train and it started to play. My eyes started brimming with tears and I quickly fumbled to turn it off. Mega-Embarrassing. And, for the longest time I couldn't watch "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" because my EX and I used to watch it every day; we had so many good memories involving that movie.
     Now, I'm sitting here writing this post. It's been several years after our break-up and you know what? I own "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". I watch it on my own because it is a fun movie. It entertains me. I erased all the memories I had with my EX tied to that movie. Now, I can enjoy it without a second thought to him. And, guess what? Today at work, I found myself singing "This Year's Love". Completely out of the blue. I hadn't heard the song in five years. (I took it off my iPod after that embarrassing day on the train.) I still remembered it, word for word. And, BONUS! I didn't cry or even thing about my EX and what we had together.
     I can officially say I am SO OVER IT. I am putting that song back on my iPod and I'm going to have it on goddamn repeat because I have missed it.
     That song and that movie are no longer "OUR"s. They are MINE. And, I know I'll make positive memories involving them on my own and not with another person to label it "OUR"s ever again.