What do you do when your family is in need?
I know, my posts seem to have the reoccurring theme of "family". Obviously, family is my biggest problem... concern... aspect of life. But, why? Why do I care? Why should I care?
I come off to people as a bitch- an ice queen. I don't care about other people's opinions, but for some goddamned reason I care about their feelings. Why? Because deep down, no matter how hard I try not to be- I'm a fucking nice person. Goddamnitall.
Who is the one person whose feelings I care about the most? My mother. My mother and I clash all the time about everything. We never agree on things and I don't care what she thinks anymore. I used to- but now I don't. I get my pride from her. She is a very stubborn and proud woman. I learned to be an ice queen from her. But over the years, the ice she had melted and I began to see the cracks in her facade.
My mother was an ice queen but she was also sensitive and cared deeply about others. So, why does she get a horrible life? Why is she unhappy? Why does life seem to pick on her out of my entire family?
My mother is not healthy herself. A couple of years ago, she had something wrong with her spine. But, like the stubborn person she is, she refused to seek help and lives with it. I'm not sure on the details of her condition but, I believe it has something to do with shrinking ribcage and spine bones. I'm not sure. But, alas, as I said, she does not acknowledge that it exists.
My stepfather has no job and no insurance. The having of no job is not his fault. He just had a lot of shitty stuff happen- what with the broken ankle and then the dislocating of a spinal disk. He has no insurance to go to doctors to help him heal. No insurance because he has no job. No insurance because we live in a shitty republican run country. But, now, he is sick. And, I can tell me mother is scared, even though she does not show it. My stepfather has lost 30lbs in the past month. And, has been vomiting everything up for the past few days. And, a hundred years ago, no one would be severely worried about it, because it could have been a simple flu or stomach virus. But now, in this day and age... we deal with thousands of diseases that can kill you. The biggest ones are Cancer and Aids.
How can my mother not be afraid? The healthiest person in the world can develop cancer, while the least healthiest person lives to be 100. Life isn't fair. My mother is scared and I am worried, too. The twins are afraid. They are afraid for their father. And, I'm afraid, too. What if he does have a disease? What do I do? How can my mother cope and deal? How will she survive? How will he? Where will they get the money to pay for the expenses?
As the oldest, I have to try and help. As my mother's confidant, I have to try and help. And, the only way I can help is by getting money in unconventional ways. Is that what I do? Do I sacrifice my life? My morals? My ideals? My body? My sanity? To help my family? Or, do I stand aside, wait, and hope for the best? What do I do to help my family? I am not afraid of what I may have to do to help. I am just sad that I may have to do things that could ruin my future. But, in this day and age, with more acceptance of the odd, whatever I choose to do may not be so bad.
But, I am determined. No matter what I choose, it will not interfere with my dreams. I will still chase them, even if I have to sacrifice myself in the process.
