Yes, I know; the title of this post sounds like a children's story. But, it's not. I don't even call myself a "witch", yet it is what people refer to me as. I am Pagan. I don't practice magic spells or stand over a cauldron mixing elixirs to help me. Yes, there are Pagans that do that and yes, that makes them witches. But, I am not one of them- not that that is a bad thing. I would gladly exercise witchy qualities- if I had my own place and space to conduct them.
My point for this post is to express how lonely I am- being Pagan in this day and age. I am the only Pagan among my friends. I have no coven or group to go to. I've tried to look online for groups- because I genuinely want to learn the truth behind the mysticism of most Pagan beliefs. Alas, I have found are frauds- hippies pretending to be in tuned with Mother Earth so it gives them an excuse to smoke weed, do shrooms, and dance naked in the forest. That's not Pagan- that's ridiculous. All these false believers- impostors pretending to know things, when all they do is read ancient books and quote them to try and sound mysterious.
I want a teacher to help me learn where the stories come from. I want them to sit me down and explain why these herbs work best for this and not that. I want my teacher to take my hand and lead me down a forest path to show me a fairy ring. But, I know this is all wishful thinking.
Current times prevent people from burning me at the stake, but religious people still frown upon anyone who does not believe in the "one god". Does my religion really make me that much of a different person? I am still human. I still have feelings. I still have morals.
Why, then am I treated so different? I wear my belief on my sleeve- literally. The pagan star is tatted on my wrist. You can't miss it. I have seen many people eye it with distaste. That is not fair. I don't scoff at your crucifixes on your throats. Mind you- the cross is a more morbid symbol than the pentagram.
Many people believe that Paganism is Satanism and they could not be more wrong. I do not worship Satan or Lucifer. I worship nothing but the Earth and its wonders. But, the monotheistic religions that govern 85% of our world would lead its people to believe Paganism and Satanism are the one and same, but it is false.
I truly believe that one day when I am long dead, Paganism will rise as the one true religion again. It is the one religion that does not persecute. It is the one religion that accepts all as they are. It is the religion that allows everything to just be.
I wish I could see it one day... that glorious day when truth is spoken and the Earth is healed. But, until then I just pray for a teacher who is not a false practitioner. I also wish that I was not judged for my beliefs. Judge me for my mean demeanor, but not for my religion. I can handle being lonely because I am perceived as a bitch, but I cannot bear to be sad because others cannot respect my beliefs and fear me because of their ignorance.
I am lonely in my beliefs and I wish I wasn't.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Family Legacies and Traditions
Close knit families have legacies and traditions to pass onto the next generation. Some even still have heirlooms to pass down from generation to generation. I think about my family and what it has to offer my generation and the ones after.
Divorce... is a tradition. I know, how can divorce be a tradition? Well, out of all the eight marriages in the generation before mine, six have ended in divorce. Of the remaining two, one is still a happy and strong marriage, the other is only held together because the husband refuses to give up. So, now you can see why I say divorce is a tradition- negative, but a tradition. So, I don't hold high hopes for a successful first marriage. I've accepted it.
Strong familial ties- definite legacy. My Chinese side and my Spanish side may be different in many ways, but the one thing that they have in common is the strong belief in family and the motto blood is thicker than water. No one matter who did what, how evil, stupid, or selfish a member is- if they asked for help, they would get it. No one believes in abandoning family on either side.
Strong personalities in women- legacy. From both sides of my family all the women are strong. There are three shy ones, but all in all, we are all dominant and able to take care of ourself and our own.
Traditions... I cannot think of any, but I have decided to start one. All who bear the name "Nieves" and are part of it, will tattoo a custom designed snowflake. For those of you who need explaining: Nieve in Spanish means snow. So, I was the first in the family to tattoo a snowflake on my wrist. I customized it to fit my personality. The branches end in arrows because I am a Sagittarius and there is a pagan star in the center because it is my true belief. I've already told my father, stepmother, and sister, Maria of the new tradition I am creating. They are all for it. They will design their own snowflake tattoos and carry on the tradition.
Heirlooms... My Spanish grandmother has many things given to her by her mother and grandmother. The oldest and probably most important to my grandmother is the Sagrada Bible. It's a bible in Spanish issued to them by a church. The bible has the most beautiful, colorful images. And, there is a section in the bible itself to record your family tree and history (baptisms, weddings, funeral, births, etc.). Flipping through the history of my family, I have learned my I have many French ancestors; and, the names Basilia and Cruz were once our family names.
I still desire to meet the oldest of my living ancestors just to see if they would approve of me. I want to know what they would say about me. I can't explain why, but it is something I truly want. I also want enough money to hire a genealogy investigator to look up my family history and ancestors to as far back as they can. I want to know where we came from. I want to know my families' past.
Divorce... is a tradition. I know, how can divorce be a tradition? Well, out of all the eight marriages in the generation before mine, six have ended in divorce. Of the remaining two, one is still a happy and strong marriage, the other is only held together because the husband refuses to give up. So, now you can see why I say divorce is a tradition- negative, but a tradition. So, I don't hold high hopes for a successful first marriage. I've accepted it.
Strong familial ties- definite legacy. My Chinese side and my Spanish side may be different in many ways, but the one thing that they have in common is the strong belief in family and the motto blood is thicker than water. No one matter who did what, how evil, stupid, or selfish a member is- if they asked for help, they would get it. No one believes in abandoning family on either side.
Strong personalities in women- legacy. From both sides of my family all the women are strong. There are three shy ones, but all in all, we are all dominant and able to take care of ourself and our own.
Traditions... I cannot think of any, but I have decided to start one. All who bear the name "Nieves" and are part of it, will tattoo a custom designed snowflake. For those of you who need explaining: Nieve in Spanish means snow. So, I was the first in the family to tattoo a snowflake on my wrist. I customized it to fit my personality. The branches end in arrows because I am a Sagittarius and there is a pagan star in the center because it is my true belief. I've already told my father, stepmother, and sister, Maria of the new tradition I am creating. They are all for it. They will design their own snowflake tattoos and carry on the tradition.
Heirlooms... My Spanish grandmother has many things given to her by her mother and grandmother. The oldest and probably most important to my grandmother is the Sagrada Bible. It's a bible in Spanish issued to them by a church. The bible has the most beautiful, colorful images. And, there is a section in the bible itself to record your family tree and history (baptisms, weddings, funeral, births, etc.). Flipping through the history of my family, I have learned my I have many French ancestors; and, the names Basilia and Cruz were once our family names.I still desire to meet the oldest of my living ancestors just to see if they would approve of me. I want to know what they would say about me. I can't explain why, but it is something I truly want. I also want enough money to hire a genealogy investigator to look up my family history and ancestors to as far back as they can. I want to know where we came from. I want to know my families' past.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Thanksgiving 2013, Texas, Reflection
I never spent Thanksgiving with my Spanish side because we live in different time zones. My father is a gypsy, moving his home every couple of years, usually within the Texas state vicinity, but also sometimes different states such as Florida and Oregon. Since, he mostly stays in Texas, my grandmother moved down to be closer to her grandchildren. Her sister moved to Texas to follow her. And, her sister's daughter moved with her children to follow her mother. (Talk about chain reaction or follow the leader). So, basically all my Spanish family members live here in Texas, a state a despise. Yes, despise. I'm sorry, Texas and Texans. I, genuinely without a doubt in my mind, HATE Texas. It's hot; it's boring; you need a car to get everywhere; no one is ever outside because it's too damn hot. I will NEVER live in Texas.
But visiting.... visiting is a different story. When I stay with my grandparents, I feel the most relaxed. I am accepted. I am cared for. I am left alone. I am considered in decisions they make. I love visiting my cousin Alaina, who has the hands of a god in the kitchen and the heart of a gentle saint. I love talking to her and just letting lose all the bottled emotions I had. She has always treated me as an adult and equal. She is so loving and cares for everyone, but it is rare anyone lifts their hands to help her out. So when I am on vacation, I go to her house and help her often with anything and everything she needs. And, I don't feel obligated to do so. I do it because her company makes it enjoyable and because she NEVER once has asked me to help. In fact she tells me not to help because I am on vacation. But, I do, because I know that what little help I offer her, will be her only vacation.
My immediate family (father, stepmother, brother, and sisters) are now divided. Maria lives with her mother (my ex-stepmother) near my grandmother. Sandy lived with my grandparents. Ashley lives with her fiancee, Robert, in Austin with his grandparents. Only Tony and Connie still live with my father and stepmother, Bonnie. Every one of them loves me and I love every one of them. Maria and I have spent the most time together. Out of all my siblings (twins included), Maria and I are the most alike. She is now at an age where I can interact with her as an equal, not an older sister who is in charge. She took me out to drive the car for practice and shopping while I was here. And, even though Sandy and I are under the same roof, we are both loners. She sticks to her room, and I stick to the dining room table. (Back in NY, I am cooped up in my room. I like the feel of being able to stretch my legs and escape a cage. So, whenever I am in Texas, I rarely stay in my designated room.) Tony and Connie are still at the ages where I am still the older sister. I cannot interact with them as equals. Tony is a rambunctious, smartass, who has some trouble with authority and keeping his mouth shut. And, Connie is a shy mommy's girl, who is also still babyed because she is the youngest of us all.
I was never a good sister. I will not pretend to be. I cannot be. I wasn't raised to be emotional or sensitive. I was raised by a Cancer Zodiac sign. And, for those of you who don't know what that means. It means that Cancers are one of the most sensitive people out there, but they hide it, so no one knows. I was raised to be tough and keep my weaknesses to myself. My father raises his children to free with their emotions and embrace them. I actually am very uncomfortable with hugs, which is a huge problem because my father and family here are big on hugs and affection. And, I'm sure it seems like I'm a very cold person. But, I just cannot. It's not how I was raised. It's not me. I'm a better friend than sister. Which is why I love it when my siblings reach the age of sibling equality. The twins, Maria, Ashley, and I can all joke and hang out as equals. But, my younger siblings I am still at a loss at how to interact and deal with. I love them, but I cannot show it.
I love them, and that is why I put aside my OCD at least once during the visit to stay at their home. Which is a real hardship for me. The home is not in anyway ideal for me, my OCD, or my health. So, I often leave the place with asthma. But, I do it at least once because I know it will make them happy, my being there. Even if I just sit there in silence; I am still there- it is the most I can do for now. And, I hope they understand.
But, I came for my first Thanksgiving here, because of my LA plans. This coming year, I don't plan on going anywhere besides Mardi Gras in February. I need to start saving everything I can for the big move, and I figure I won't be fully settled and financially stable in LA for two years, so I definitely won't be traveling anywhere to visit anyone from 2014 to 2016. So, I figured this is my last chance for a definite chance in a real Thanksgiving with my Spanish family. And, I am so glad I did. I saw everyone and it wasn't a really big affair, but just to see people interact was heartwarming.
My grandmother and her sister are hilarious sisters. They were stabbing each other with forks and calling each other fat. My father was calling our cousin Alaina, fat. Alaina said my father's facial hair reminded her of a dirty vagina. Zach, Alaina's youngest son, was on holiday leave from the army and he brought hom other Army strays (soldiers) to celebrate the holiday and he was still as crazy as ever. The soldiers ship back tomorrow and invited me to hang out, but I was too exhausted and a little uncomfortable with a group of people I didn't know. Not to mention I can't drink because of my severe asthma lately. (Total joy killer, having asthma.) I took my cousin Derek got his first tattoo. He's a 5th grade teacher and in his mid forties. He got a tribal Sagittarius tattoo on his left shoulder blade. He made funny faces of pain throughout the entire inking. My grandaunt (Grandmother's sister) Lulu, had a huge tear in the back of her jeans and she was out in public. While driving with Maria, a crazed car popped up behind me and flashed their lights. I thought for sure we were going to be killed and drove like a maniac, which I think scared Maria more. I met Ashley's fiancee for the first time and they seem happy, which makes me happy. My cousin John gave me a welcome hug of his own accord. My grandmother ran a red light. I pulled a move my mother would have done and did a fast left turn before a car could get in front of me, and scared my father half to death.
I always have good memories when I come here and spend time with them. Watching them all makes me happy, when normally in my boring mundane life, I am just content. I enjoy it beging here, surrounded by warm love. But no matter how many times my father asks, I would never live here. I like a place where there is a deli 2 minutes walk away. I love being in a place where I can walk to work and not die from a heatstroke. I like being able to order delivery. I cannot live in Texas.
I love my family but, I need to love myself, and follow my dream. I need to leave my family to love myself. I will cherish the memories I have made this holiday.
But visiting.... visiting is a different story. When I stay with my grandparents, I feel the most relaxed. I am accepted. I am cared for. I am left alone. I am considered in decisions they make. I love visiting my cousin Alaina, who has the hands of a god in the kitchen and the heart of a gentle saint. I love talking to her and just letting lose all the bottled emotions I had. She has always treated me as an adult and equal. She is so loving and cares for everyone, but it is rare anyone lifts their hands to help her out. So when I am on vacation, I go to her house and help her often with anything and everything she needs. And, I don't feel obligated to do so. I do it because her company makes it enjoyable and because she NEVER once has asked me to help. In fact she tells me not to help because I am on vacation. But, I do, because I know that what little help I offer her, will be her only vacation.
My immediate family (father, stepmother, brother, and sisters) are now divided. Maria lives with her mother (my ex-stepmother) near my grandmother. Sandy lived with my grandparents. Ashley lives with her fiancee, Robert, in Austin with his grandparents. Only Tony and Connie still live with my father and stepmother, Bonnie. Every one of them loves me and I love every one of them. Maria and I have spent the most time together. Out of all my siblings (twins included), Maria and I are the most alike. She is now at an age where I can interact with her as an equal, not an older sister who is in charge. She took me out to drive the car for practice and shopping while I was here. And, even though Sandy and I are under the same roof, we are both loners. She sticks to her room, and I stick to the dining room table. (Back in NY, I am cooped up in my room. I like the feel of being able to stretch my legs and escape a cage. So, whenever I am in Texas, I rarely stay in my designated room.) Tony and Connie are still at the ages where I am still the older sister. I cannot interact with them as equals. Tony is a rambunctious, smartass, who has some trouble with authority and keeping his mouth shut. And, Connie is a shy mommy's girl, who is also still babyed because she is the youngest of us all.
I was never a good sister. I will not pretend to be. I cannot be. I wasn't raised to be emotional or sensitive. I was raised by a Cancer Zodiac sign. And, for those of you who don't know what that means. It means that Cancers are one of the most sensitive people out there, but they hide it, so no one knows. I was raised to be tough and keep my weaknesses to myself. My father raises his children to free with their emotions and embrace them. I actually am very uncomfortable with hugs, which is a huge problem because my father and family here are big on hugs and affection. And, I'm sure it seems like I'm a very cold person. But, I just cannot. It's not how I was raised. It's not me. I'm a better friend than sister. Which is why I love it when my siblings reach the age of sibling equality. The twins, Maria, Ashley, and I can all joke and hang out as equals. But, my younger siblings I am still at a loss at how to interact and deal with. I love them, but I cannot show it.
I love them, and that is why I put aside my OCD at least once during the visit to stay at their home. Which is a real hardship for me. The home is not in anyway ideal for me, my OCD, or my health. So, I often leave the place with asthma. But, I do it at least once because I know it will make them happy, my being there. Even if I just sit there in silence; I am still there- it is the most I can do for now. And, I hope they understand.
But, I came for my first Thanksgiving here, because of my LA plans. This coming year, I don't plan on going anywhere besides Mardi Gras in February. I need to start saving everything I can for the big move, and I figure I won't be fully settled and financially stable in LA for two years, so I definitely won't be traveling anywhere to visit anyone from 2014 to 2016. So, I figured this is my last chance for a definite chance in a real Thanksgiving with my Spanish family. And, I am so glad I did. I saw everyone and it wasn't a really big affair, but just to see people interact was heartwarming.
My grandmother and her sister are hilarious sisters. They were stabbing each other with forks and calling each other fat. My father was calling our cousin Alaina, fat. Alaina said my father's facial hair reminded her of a dirty vagina. Zach, Alaina's youngest son, was on holiday leave from the army and he brought hom other Army strays (soldiers) to celebrate the holiday and he was still as crazy as ever. The soldiers ship back tomorrow and invited me to hang out, but I was too exhausted and a little uncomfortable with a group of people I didn't know. Not to mention I can't drink because of my severe asthma lately. (Total joy killer, having asthma.) I took my cousin Derek got his first tattoo. He's a 5th grade teacher and in his mid forties. He got a tribal Sagittarius tattoo on his left shoulder blade. He made funny faces of pain throughout the entire inking. My grandaunt (Grandmother's sister) Lulu, had a huge tear in the back of her jeans and she was out in public. While driving with Maria, a crazed car popped up behind me and flashed their lights. I thought for sure we were going to be killed and drove like a maniac, which I think scared Maria more. I met Ashley's fiancee for the first time and they seem happy, which makes me happy. My cousin John gave me a welcome hug of his own accord. My grandmother ran a red light. I pulled a move my mother would have done and did a fast left turn before a car could get in front of me, and scared my father half to death.
I always have good memories when I come here and spend time with them. Watching them all makes me happy, when normally in my boring mundane life, I am just content. I enjoy it beging here, surrounded by warm love. But no matter how many times my father asks, I would never live here. I like a place where there is a deli 2 minutes walk away. I love being in a place where I can walk to work and not die from a heatstroke. I like being able to order delivery. I cannot live in Texas.
I love my family but, I need to love myself, and follow my dream. I need to leave my family to love myself. I will cherish the memories I have made this holiday.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Shade's Children, Being Unknown, & Injustice of Experience
As you all know, I am an author of short stories and movie scripts. My ultimate goal is to be a movie star and screenplay author. So, what is a nobody like me supposed to do to get my material out there? I'm part of the Writers Guild of America. I have scripts floating around out there, but alas, because I am a nobody, no one will want to give me a chance.
So, I try a different path. I decide to write a screenplay for one of my favorite books: Shade's Children by Garth Nix. I first emailed Garth Nix, telling him of my intentions. I told him I wanted to write a screenplay for his book. I was a fan of the story and I thought it would be great if fans could see a live action rendition of it. I told him, since I am a fast writer I would be done with it in two months max. I told him I wanted his blessing, etc. Garth Nix never emailed me back. Undeterred, I wrote the script in less than two months. I had several friends read it, and they all loved it. I wrote to Garth Nix once again, and told him I did what I said i was going to do. I wrote the screenplay for his book. I received an email back from him saying he was flattered I was a fan, but he should have gotten permission first, and that he is currently in negotiations now with a production company to pen a screenplay.
Of course, at the moment I wanted to kill him and myself. If he wasn't an inconsiderate person and replied to my first email, then I wouldn't have wasted my time. But, then I remembered 90% of the human population don't take others seriously when they say they are going to do something. It is only when they are in fact threatened in some way that they decide to take some sort of action. So naturally, having the knowledge that I wrote the screenplay for his book, shook him. He probably thought to himself, how dare this nobody write a screenplay for my book? But, you know what. I did.
I wrote a full screenplay based EXACTLY on his book. With of course a few flares of my own personality in there. But nonetheless, it is a flawless script for his book. He waited until I threatened his ego as a writer to speak with me, and will guess what. I'm outing him. My blog may not be read by many people, but if someone searches Shade's Children and movie, this post is sure to pop up, and might possibly get read. So, that is enough for me.
It's sick how people ask for people with more experience, and at the same time refuse to give people the opportunity to learn. If Garth Nix was a true genuine person who wanted to support others, he would give me a chance. The same could be said of his publishing company whom I also contacted. What is so wrong with taking a few hours to help someone who might be good?
I would have complied in every way to get my script into production. I have no problems saying it was based on Garth Nix's novel. And, even if he wanted to change a few things in it, I would have been fine with it. I just want my name on screenplay because I wrote it and it was good. But, no. Authors with egos are just another member of pool of jerks that reside in the world. But that is fine, because I'll find another way to win and in essence get revenge. Because no one screws with me and gets away with it. I don't forgive and forget. I get even and I enjoy revenge.
So, I try a different path. I decide to write a screenplay for one of my favorite books: Shade's Children by Garth Nix. I first emailed Garth Nix, telling him of my intentions. I told him I wanted to write a screenplay for his book. I was a fan of the story and I thought it would be great if fans could see a live action rendition of it. I told him, since I am a fast writer I would be done with it in two months max. I told him I wanted his blessing, etc. Garth Nix never emailed me back. Undeterred, I wrote the script in less than two months. I had several friends read it, and they all loved it. I wrote to Garth Nix once again, and told him I did what I said i was going to do. I wrote the screenplay for his book. I received an email back from him saying he was flattered I was a fan, but he should have gotten permission first, and that he is currently in negotiations now with a production company to pen a screenplay.
Of course, at the moment I wanted to kill him and myself. If he wasn't an inconsiderate person and replied to my first email, then I wouldn't have wasted my time. But, then I remembered 90% of the human population don't take others seriously when they say they are going to do something. It is only when they are in fact threatened in some way that they decide to take some sort of action. So naturally, having the knowledge that I wrote the screenplay for his book, shook him. He probably thought to himself, how dare this nobody write a screenplay for my book? But, you know what. I did.
I wrote a full screenplay based EXACTLY on his book. With of course a few flares of my own personality in there. But nonetheless, it is a flawless script for his book. He waited until I threatened his ego as a writer to speak with me, and will guess what. I'm outing him. My blog may not be read by many people, but if someone searches Shade's Children and movie, this post is sure to pop up, and might possibly get read. So, that is enough for me.
It's sick how people ask for people with more experience, and at the same time refuse to give people the opportunity to learn. If Garth Nix was a true genuine person who wanted to support others, he would give me a chance. The same could be said of his publishing company whom I also contacted. What is so wrong with taking a few hours to help someone who might be good?
I would have complied in every way to get my script into production. I have no problems saying it was based on Garth Nix's novel. And, even if he wanted to change a few things in it, I would have been fine with it. I just want my name on screenplay because I wrote it and it was good. But, no. Authors with egos are just another member of pool of jerks that reside in the world. But that is fine, because I'll find another way to win and in essence get revenge. Because no one screws with me and gets away with it. I don't forgive and forget. I get even and I enjoy revenge.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
1st Thanksgiving Ever, Pescatarianism, & Family
Growing up with my Chinese side, I was never subjected to real family drama. The most drama that went around with them was that my Chinese grandmother acts like an overgrown child and annoyed the hell out of everyone. To that statement I will agree, she gets under your skin and just.... shreds your mind with her high pitched yelling voice and need to repeat everything over and over. But, aside from her... my mother and her two sisters are close and they speak and gossip everyday about all their children. There are two lost aunts who live in their own worlds and aren't really included in family functions, but that is their decision. Even so, there is no drama between anyone in my Chinese side of my family. I grew up with this life of no drama and animosity between my family members so it's always shocking when I go to visit my Spanish side of the family and see the opposite.
Chinese people do not celebrate holidays. Sure Americanized families get together and eat a meal, but it's not the traditional American Thanksgiving of turkeys, mashed potatoes, corn, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pies. So, in all my life, I never had a proper Thanksgiving. So, in light of my future plans of moving to L.A. and trying to settle in, I know I won't be traveling to visit any family for the next couple of years until I'm fully settled and nested in my new home. This is quite literally the only chance I have of having a real Thanksgiving with my Spanish family. As such, I have put aside my pescatarianism to consume meat, because there is no such thing as a pescatarian Spanish family. I would starve here if I continued to be a priss like that.
And, being pescatarian isn't a religious choice. I chose to slowly cut meat out of my diet, not because it's unhealthy for you, but because I don't like the idea of eating another living thing. Because the truth is, the animals will be killed irregardless of cruelty or supply. Humans are meant to be carnivorous and also eat plants. It is our species' evolution. And, besides with all the animals being killed out there someone has to eat it. I just choose for that someone to not be me. I don't care if anyone else eats meat. Hell, I can't kick eating salmon and shrimp. I know I will eventually, but definitely not anytime soon. So, all I'd have to worry about is, eating plants, and killing them.
Anyway, back to the Spanish family and their animosity towards certain other members. In this aspect I am the Swiss. I am Australia. I am neutral territory. I both abhor and am thankful for the way my mother raised me, because she taught me to be a proper independent child who was obedient and quiet. And, as such a child, every single family member I have loves me because I always behaved and helped around their houses. And as a such loved child, all my family members babied me and spoiled me, making me love them all in return. So, when I hear so and so dislikes so and so, it slightly bothers me. And, I know they confide their true feelings in me because I am a good listener and they want me to know the reason why they feel these emotions, and sure they can be justified to that person, but to me, even if it is true, I cannot hate any of my family members. I love them all. I may not show it, because I am not an emotional person or warm, but I do care.
I have a divided united family. Yes, a divided united family. I have divorced parents, but a huge family who stretches across the typical social boundaries to stay united. And, yes that causes many relationships to strain, but atleast there is family so catch you if you fall. If so and so hates so and so, it won't matter because in the end, you have that one tie to keep you together and you can't sever it. And, yes, they tell me they hate so and so, but you know what.... it's not just hate. It's also love.
I have come to the conclusion that all the rants I hear about how this family member sucks and is aweful, etc, it's out of love and disappointment. The person is disappointed that the other could be such a failure, when they could be so much more. And, they hate them because there was love, but that was strained because of all the disappointment that was felt towards that person.
I know, I talked in circles in this post. But, I can't mention certain family members, because they could be read and I'm not opening that can of worms.
Chinese people do not celebrate holidays. Sure Americanized families get together and eat a meal, but it's not the traditional American Thanksgiving of turkeys, mashed potatoes, corn, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pies. So, in all my life, I never had a proper Thanksgiving. So, in light of my future plans of moving to L.A. and trying to settle in, I know I won't be traveling to visit any family for the next couple of years until I'm fully settled and nested in my new home. This is quite literally the only chance I have of having a real Thanksgiving with my Spanish family. As such, I have put aside my pescatarianism to consume meat, because there is no such thing as a pescatarian Spanish family. I would starve here if I continued to be a priss like that.
And, being pescatarian isn't a religious choice. I chose to slowly cut meat out of my diet, not because it's unhealthy for you, but because I don't like the idea of eating another living thing. Because the truth is, the animals will be killed irregardless of cruelty or supply. Humans are meant to be carnivorous and also eat plants. It is our species' evolution. And, besides with all the animals being killed out there someone has to eat it. I just choose for that someone to not be me. I don't care if anyone else eats meat. Hell, I can't kick eating salmon and shrimp. I know I will eventually, but definitely not anytime soon. So, all I'd have to worry about is, eating plants, and killing them.
Anyway, back to the Spanish family and their animosity towards certain other members. In this aspect I am the Swiss. I am Australia. I am neutral territory. I both abhor and am thankful for the way my mother raised me, because she taught me to be a proper independent child who was obedient and quiet. And, as such a child, every single family member I have loves me because I always behaved and helped around their houses. And as a such loved child, all my family members babied me and spoiled me, making me love them all in return. So, when I hear so and so dislikes so and so, it slightly bothers me. And, I know they confide their true feelings in me because I am a good listener and they want me to know the reason why they feel these emotions, and sure they can be justified to that person, but to me, even if it is true, I cannot hate any of my family members. I love them all. I may not show it, because I am not an emotional person or warm, but I do care.
I have a divided united family. Yes, a divided united family. I have divorced parents, but a huge family who stretches across the typical social boundaries to stay united. And, yes that causes many relationships to strain, but atleast there is family so catch you if you fall. If so and so hates so and so, it won't matter because in the end, you have that one tie to keep you together and you can't sever it. And, yes, they tell me they hate so and so, but you know what.... it's not just hate. It's also love.
I have come to the conclusion that all the rants I hear about how this family member sucks and is aweful, etc, it's out of love and disappointment. The person is disappointed that the other could be such a failure, when they could be so much more. And, they hate them because there was love, but that was strained because of all the disappointment that was felt towards that person.
I know, I talked in circles in this post. But, I can't mention certain family members, because they could be read and I'm not opening that can of worms.
Monday, October 8, 2012
What do I do?
What do you do when your family is in need?
I know, my posts seem to have the reoccurring theme of "family". Obviously, family is my biggest problem... concern... aspect of life. But, why? Why do I care? Why should I care?
I come off to people as a bitch- an ice queen. I don't care about other people's opinions, but for some goddamned reason I care about their feelings. Why? Because deep down, no matter how hard I try not to be- I'm a fucking nice person. Goddamnitall.
Who is the one person whose feelings I care about the most? My mother. My mother and I clash all the time about everything. We never agree on things and I don't care what she thinks anymore. I used to- but now I don't. I get my pride from her. She is a very stubborn and proud woman. I learned to be an ice queen from her. But over the years, the ice she had melted and I began to see the cracks in her facade.
My mother was an ice queen but she was also sensitive and cared deeply about others. So, why does she get a horrible life? Why is she unhappy? Why does life seem to pick on her out of my entire family?
My mother is not healthy herself. A couple of years ago, she had something wrong with her spine. But, like the stubborn person she is, she refused to seek help and lives with it. I'm not sure on the details of her condition but, I believe it has something to do with shrinking ribcage and spine bones. I'm not sure. But, alas, as I said, she does not acknowledge that it exists.
My stepfather has no job and no insurance. The having of no job is not his fault. He just had a lot of shitty stuff happen- what with the broken ankle and then the dislocating of a spinal disk. He has no insurance to go to doctors to help him heal. No insurance because he has no job. No insurance because we live in a shitty republican run country. But, now, he is sick. And, I can tell me mother is scared, even though she does not show it. My stepfather has lost 30lbs in the past month. And, has been vomiting everything up for the past few days. And, a hundred years ago, no one would be severely worried about it, because it could have been a simple flu or stomach virus. But now, in this day and age... we deal with thousands of diseases that can kill you. The biggest ones are Cancer and Aids.
How can my mother not be afraid? The healthiest person in the world can develop cancer, while the least healthiest person lives to be 100. Life isn't fair. My mother is scared and I am worried, too. The twins are afraid. They are afraid for their father. And, I'm afraid, too. What if he does have a disease? What do I do? How can my mother cope and deal? How will she survive? How will he? Where will they get the money to pay for the expenses?
As the oldest, I have to try and help. As my mother's confidant, I have to try and help. And, the only way I can help is by getting money in unconventional ways. Is that what I do? Do I sacrifice my life? My morals? My ideals? My body? My sanity? To help my family? Or, do I stand aside, wait, and hope for the best? What do I do to help my family? I am not afraid of what I may have to do to help. I am just sad that I may have to do things that could ruin my future. But, in this day and age, with more acceptance of the odd, whatever I choose to do may not be so bad.
But, I am determined. No matter what I choose, it will not interfere with my dreams. I will still chase them, even if I have to sacrifice myself in the process.
I know, my posts seem to have the reoccurring theme of "family". Obviously, family is my biggest problem... concern... aspect of life. But, why? Why do I care? Why should I care?
I come off to people as a bitch- an ice queen. I don't care about other people's opinions, but for some goddamned reason I care about their feelings. Why? Because deep down, no matter how hard I try not to be- I'm a fucking nice person. Goddamnitall.
Who is the one person whose feelings I care about the most? My mother. My mother and I clash all the time about everything. We never agree on things and I don't care what she thinks anymore. I used to- but now I don't. I get my pride from her. She is a very stubborn and proud woman. I learned to be an ice queen from her. But over the years, the ice she had melted and I began to see the cracks in her facade.
My mother was an ice queen but she was also sensitive and cared deeply about others. So, why does she get a horrible life? Why is she unhappy? Why does life seem to pick on her out of my entire family?
My mother is not healthy herself. A couple of years ago, she had something wrong with her spine. But, like the stubborn person she is, she refused to seek help and lives with it. I'm not sure on the details of her condition but, I believe it has something to do with shrinking ribcage and spine bones. I'm not sure. But, alas, as I said, she does not acknowledge that it exists.
My stepfather has no job and no insurance. The having of no job is not his fault. He just had a lot of shitty stuff happen- what with the broken ankle and then the dislocating of a spinal disk. He has no insurance to go to doctors to help him heal. No insurance because he has no job. No insurance because we live in a shitty republican run country. But, now, he is sick. And, I can tell me mother is scared, even though she does not show it. My stepfather has lost 30lbs in the past month. And, has been vomiting everything up for the past few days. And, a hundred years ago, no one would be severely worried about it, because it could have been a simple flu or stomach virus. But now, in this day and age... we deal with thousands of diseases that can kill you. The biggest ones are Cancer and Aids.
How can my mother not be afraid? The healthiest person in the world can develop cancer, while the least healthiest person lives to be 100. Life isn't fair. My mother is scared and I am worried, too. The twins are afraid. They are afraid for their father. And, I'm afraid, too. What if he does have a disease? What do I do? How can my mother cope and deal? How will she survive? How will he? Where will they get the money to pay for the expenses?
As the oldest, I have to try and help. As my mother's confidant, I have to try and help. And, the only way I can help is by getting money in unconventional ways. Is that what I do? Do I sacrifice my life? My morals? My ideals? My body? My sanity? To help my family? Or, do I stand aside, wait, and hope for the best? What do I do to help my family? I am not afraid of what I may have to do to help. I am just sad that I may have to do things that could ruin my future. But, in this day and age, with more acceptance of the odd, whatever I choose to do may not be so bad.
But, I am determined. No matter what I choose, it will not interfere with my dreams. I will still chase them, even if I have to sacrifice myself in the process.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Not giving up- L.A. in 2014
My family was never really supportive of my dreams to be a famous movie actress. My mother's side of the family believe dreams are a waste of time and should not be nourished. They're instincts are to survive, no matter how miserable you are. But, I cannot follow that idea. If I am not happy in life, why bother living? Honestly? Why? If I am not happy being alive, what is the point of being alive? So, I can be miserable? I don't think so. My father's side of the family always encouraged dreaming, but never got off their asses to help you in anyway to achieve. There motto is basically, if it happens, it happens, deal with what you have and can get. Not good enough.
I have been passive about pursuing my dreams. I blame everyone and I also blame myself. I blame my parents for not supporting me and I blame myself for being weak and not setting out on my own to do what was needed. But, that is changing. My first step in doing so, was hitting up a dude in my Japanese class and asking him to help me, because he seemed to be getting around a lot more than me. He agreed to help me and we became fast friends. Second step, was to write, write, write and write some more. I have written many short stories, started a dozen scripts, and finished a novella and a few scripts. I am on fire with my writing talent, I just need to find a way to get my good shyt out there.
During a recent trip to Toronto, a young man approached me. He saw me writing a script and we started talking. He asked if I was willing to write his story- not a biography, but an original idea that he came up with. He said he always had trouble getting it down on paper. Well, if you know me, you know that getting ideas down on paper is NOT a problem of mine at all. So, we are collaborating. Apparently, he has a lot of hookups as well. if this collaboration goes well, which I fully intend- I can possibly get the same hookups.
I have also made the decision to move to Los Angeles, home of Hollywood. You always here these stories that actors and actresses get roles, by simply walking into a cafe and having a casting director spot them. Now, I know I'm not gorgeous or tall or even beautiful, but I am at least pretty or decent and well- my racial ambiguity can be a HUGE plus/advantage. But, not only that, at least if I live in L.A. I can personally go to agencies and give them my work. Not to mention, I never planned on staying in New York.
New York was never my home. I stayed for two reasons: my ex and my little brother. Since, neither are in my life anymore, I have no real solid ties to keep me in this god forsaken city. My future home is somewhere clean, quiet, and beautiful. I haven't found it yet, and I also doubt L.A. will be final resting place, but it is a start.
And, I'm frightened. I'm so scared, of what will happen and can happen. But, I will count my blessing that I have a definite friend who is moving with me and possibly a few others who will join in the journey. But, as it is, there is a deep breath stopping fear that is gripping my insides and I want to scream, cry, and laugh all at once. The emotions I feel equal to the thrill of leaping off a cliff and falling far into the water below, frightful and exhilarating.
Forementioned friend and I are going to take driving lessons together. Fuck going to cheap Chinese schools. I'm going to go to the school in my neighborhood and hone my skills. The plan is as follows. After she graduates in December 2014, we will drive cross country to our new home in L.A. And, even though I know she will be with me, I am still afraid to leave all I have known behind. But, I have always been brave and laughed in the face of danger. So, I will do this and keep strong.
I have been passive about pursuing my dreams. I blame everyone and I also blame myself. I blame my parents for not supporting me and I blame myself for being weak and not setting out on my own to do what was needed. But, that is changing. My first step in doing so, was hitting up a dude in my Japanese class and asking him to help me, because he seemed to be getting around a lot more than me. He agreed to help me and we became fast friends. Second step, was to write, write, write and write some more. I have written many short stories, started a dozen scripts, and finished a novella and a few scripts. I am on fire with my writing talent, I just need to find a way to get my good shyt out there.
During a recent trip to Toronto, a young man approached me. He saw me writing a script and we started talking. He asked if I was willing to write his story- not a biography, but an original idea that he came up with. He said he always had trouble getting it down on paper. Well, if you know me, you know that getting ideas down on paper is NOT a problem of mine at all. So, we are collaborating. Apparently, he has a lot of hookups as well. if this collaboration goes well, which I fully intend- I can possibly get the same hookups.
I have also made the decision to move to Los Angeles, home of Hollywood. You always here these stories that actors and actresses get roles, by simply walking into a cafe and having a casting director spot them. Now, I know I'm not gorgeous or tall or even beautiful, but I am at least pretty or decent and well- my racial ambiguity can be a HUGE plus/advantage. But, not only that, at least if I live in L.A. I can personally go to agencies and give them my work. Not to mention, I never planned on staying in New York.
New York was never my home. I stayed for two reasons: my ex and my little brother. Since, neither are in my life anymore, I have no real solid ties to keep me in this god forsaken city. My future home is somewhere clean, quiet, and beautiful. I haven't found it yet, and I also doubt L.A. will be final resting place, but it is a start.
And, I'm frightened. I'm so scared, of what will happen and can happen. But, I will count my blessing that I have a definite friend who is moving with me and possibly a few others who will join in the journey. But, as it is, there is a deep breath stopping fear that is gripping my insides and I want to scream, cry, and laugh all at once. The emotions I feel equal to the thrill of leaping off a cliff and falling far into the water below, frightful and exhilarating.
Forementioned friend and I are going to take driving lessons together. Fuck going to cheap Chinese schools. I'm going to go to the school in my neighborhood and hone my skills. The plan is as follows. After she graduates in December 2014, we will drive cross country to our new home in L.A. And, even though I know she will be with me, I am still afraid to leave all I have known behind. But, I have always been brave and laughed in the face of danger. So, I will do this and keep strong.
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