As you all know, I am an author of short stories and movie scripts. My ultimate goal is to be a movie star and screenplay author. So, what is a nobody like me supposed to do to get my material out there? I'm part of the Writers Guild of America. I have scripts floating around out there, but alas, because I am a nobody, no one will want to give me a chance.
So, I try a different path. I decide to write a screenplay for one of my favorite books: Shade's Children by Garth Nix. I first emailed Garth Nix, telling him of my intentions. I told him I wanted to write a screenplay for his book. I was a fan of the story and I thought it would be great if fans could see a live action rendition of it. I told him, since I am a fast writer I would be done with it in two months max. I told him I wanted his blessing, etc. Garth Nix never emailed me back. Undeterred, I wrote the script in less than two months. I had several friends read it, and they all loved it. I wrote to Garth Nix once again, and told him I did what I said i was going to do. I wrote the screenplay for his book. I received an email back from him saying he was flattered I was a fan, but he should have gotten permission first, and that he is currently in negotiations now with a production company to pen a screenplay.
Of course, at the moment I wanted to kill him and myself. If he wasn't an inconsiderate person and replied to my first email, then I wouldn't have wasted my time. But, then I remembered 90% of the human population don't take others seriously when they say they are going to do something. It is only when they are in fact threatened in some way that they decide to take some sort of action. So naturally, having the knowledge that I wrote the screenplay for his book, shook him. He probably thought to himself, how dare this nobody write a screenplay for my book? But, you know what. I did.
I wrote a full screenplay based EXACTLY on his book. With of course a few flares of my own personality in there. But nonetheless, it is a flawless script for his book. He waited until I threatened his ego as a writer to speak with me, and will guess what. I'm outing him. My blog may not be read by many people, but if someone searches Shade's Children and movie, this post is sure to pop up, and might possibly get read. So, that is enough for me.
It's sick how people ask for people with more experience, and at the same time refuse to give people the opportunity to learn. If Garth Nix was a true genuine person who wanted to support others, he would give me a chance. The same could be said of his publishing company whom I also contacted. What is so wrong with taking a few hours to help someone who might be good?
I would have complied in every way to get my script into production. I have no problems saying it was based on Garth Nix's novel. And, even if he wanted to change a few things in it, I would have been fine with it. I just want my name on screenplay because I wrote it and it was good. But, no. Authors with egos are just another member of pool of jerks that reside in the world. But that is fine, because I'll find another way to win and in essence get revenge. Because no one screws with me and gets away with it. I don't forgive and forget. I get even and I enjoy revenge.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
1st Thanksgiving Ever, Pescatarianism, & Family
Growing up with my Chinese side, I was never subjected to real family drama. The most drama that went around with them was that my Chinese grandmother acts like an overgrown child and annoyed the hell out of everyone. To that statement I will agree, she gets under your skin and just.... shreds your mind with her high pitched yelling voice and need to repeat everything over and over. But, aside from her... my mother and her two sisters are close and they speak and gossip everyday about all their children. There are two lost aunts who live in their own worlds and aren't really included in family functions, but that is their decision. Even so, there is no drama between anyone in my Chinese side of my family. I grew up with this life of no drama and animosity between my family members so it's always shocking when I go to visit my Spanish side of the family and see the opposite.
Chinese people do not celebrate holidays. Sure Americanized families get together and eat a meal, but it's not the traditional American Thanksgiving of turkeys, mashed potatoes, corn, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pies. So, in all my life, I never had a proper Thanksgiving. So, in light of my future plans of moving to L.A. and trying to settle in, I know I won't be traveling to visit any family for the next couple of years until I'm fully settled and nested in my new home. This is quite literally the only chance I have of having a real Thanksgiving with my Spanish family. As such, I have put aside my pescatarianism to consume meat, because there is no such thing as a pescatarian Spanish family. I would starve here if I continued to be a priss like that.
And, being pescatarian isn't a religious choice. I chose to slowly cut meat out of my diet, not because it's unhealthy for you, but because I don't like the idea of eating another living thing. Because the truth is, the animals will be killed irregardless of cruelty or supply. Humans are meant to be carnivorous and also eat plants. It is our species' evolution. And, besides with all the animals being killed out there someone has to eat it. I just choose for that someone to not be me. I don't care if anyone else eats meat. Hell, I can't kick eating salmon and shrimp. I know I will eventually, but definitely not anytime soon. So, all I'd have to worry about is, eating plants, and killing them.
Anyway, back to the Spanish family and their animosity towards certain other members. In this aspect I am the Swiss. I am Australia. I am neutral territory. I both abhor and am thankful for the way my mother raised me, because she taught me to be a proper independent child who was obedient and quiet. And, as such a child, every single family member I have loves me because I always behaved and helped around their houses. And as a such loved child, all my family members babied me and spoiled me, making me love them all in return. So, when I hear so and so dislikes so and so, it slightly bothers me. And, I know they confide their true feelings in me because I am a good listener and they want me to know the reason why they feel these emotions, and sure they can be justified to that person, but to me, even if it is true, I cannot hate any of my family members. I love them all. I may not show it, because I am not an emotional person or warm, but I do care.
I have a divided united family. Yes, a divided united family. I have divorced parents, but a huge family who stretches across the typical social boundaries to stay united. And, yes that causes many relationships to strain, but atleast there is family so catch you if you fall. If so and so hates so and so, it won't matter because in the end, you have that one tie to keep you together and you can't sever it. And, yes, they tell me they hate so and so, but you know what.... it's not just hate. It's also love.
I have come to the conclusion that all the rants I hear about how this family member sucks and is aweful, etc, it's out of love and disappointment. The person is disappointed that the other could be such a failure, when they could be so much more. And, they hate them because there was love, but that was strained because of all the disappointment that was felt towards that person.
I know, I talked in circles in this post. But, I can't mention certain family members, because they could be read and I'm not opening that can of worms.
Chinese people do not celebrate holidays. Sure Americanized families get together and eat a meal, but it's not the traditional American Thanksgiving of turkeys, mashed potatoes, corn, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pies. So, in all my life, I never had a proper Thanksgiving. So, in light of my future plans of moving to L.A. and trying to settle in, I know I won't be traveling to visit any family for the next couple of years until I'm fully settled and nested in my new home. This is quite literally the only chance I have of having a real Thanksgiving with my Spanish family. As such, I have put aside my pescatarianism to consume meat, because there is no such thing as a pescatarian Spanish family. I would starve here if I continued to be a priss like that.
And, being pescatarian isn't a religious choice. I chose to slowly cut meat out of my diet, not because it's unhealthy for you, but because I don't like the idea of eating another living thing. Because the truth is, the animals will be killed irregardless of cruelty or supply. Humans are meant to be carnivorous and also eat plants. It is our species' evolution. And, besides with all the animals being killed out there someone has to eat it. I just choose for that someone to not be me. I don't care if anyone else eats meat. Hell, I can't kick eating salmon and shrimp. I know I will eventually, but definitely not anytime soon. So, all I'd have to worry about is, eating plants, and killing them.
Anyway, back to the Spanish family and their animosity towards certain other members. In this aspect I am the Swiss. I am Australia. I am neutral territory. I both abhor and am thankful for the way my mother raised me, because she taught me to be a proper independent child who was obedient and quiet. And, as such a child, every single family member I have loves me because I always behaved and helped around their houses. And as a such loved child, all my family members babied me and spoiled me, making me love them all in return. So, when I hear so and so dislikes so and so, it slightly bothers me. And, I know they confide their true feelings in me because I am a good listener and they want me to know the reason why they feel these emotions, and sure they can be justified to that person, but to me, even if it is true, I cannot hate any of my family members. I love them all. I may not show it, because I am not an emotional person or warm, but I do care.
I have a divided united family. Yes, a divided united family. I have divorced parents, but a huge family who stretches across the typical social boundaries to stay united. And, yes that causes many relationships to strain, but atleast there is family so catch you if you fall. If so and so hates so and so, it won't matter because in the end, you have that one tie to keep you together and you can't sever it. And, yes, they tell me they hate so and so, but you know what.... it's not just hate. It's also love.
I have come to the conclusion that all the rants I hear about how this family member sucks and is aweful, etc, it's out of love and disappointment. The person is disappointed that the other could be such a failure, when they could be so much more. And, they hate them because there was love, but that was strained because of all the disappointment that was felt towards that person.
I know, I talked in circles in this post. But, I can't mention certain family members, because they could be read and I'm not opening that can of worms.
Monday, October 8, 2012
What do I do?
What do you do when your family is in need?
I know, my posts seem to have the reoccurring theme of "family". Obviously, family is my biggest problem... concern... aspect of life. But, why? Why do I care? Why should I care?
I come off to people as a bitch- an ice queen. I don't care about other people's opinions, but for some goddamned reason I care about their feelings. Why? Because deep down, no matter how hard I try not to be- I'm a fucking nice person. Goddamnitall.
Who is the one person whose feelings I care about the most? My mother. My mother and I clash all the time about everything. We never agree on things and I don't care what she thinks anymore. I used to- but now I don't. I get my pride from her. She is a very stubborn and proud woman. I learned to be an ice queen from her. But over the years, the ice she had melted and I began to see the cracks in her facade.
My mother was an ice queen but she was also sensitive and cared deeply about others. So, why does she get a horrible life? Why is she unhappy? Why does life seem to pick on her out of my entire family?
My mother is not healthy herself. A couple of years ago, she had something wrong with her spine. But, like the stubborn person she is, she refused to seek help and lives with it. I'm not sure on the details of her condition but, I believe it has something to do with shrinking ribcage and spine bones. I'm not sure. But, alas, as I said, she does not acknowledge that it exists.
My stepfather has no job and no insurance. The having of no job is not his fault. He just had a lot of shitty stuff happen- what with the broken ankle and then the dislocating of a spinal disk. He has no insurance to go to doctors to help him heal. No insurance because he has no job. No insurance because we live in a shitty republican run country. But, now, he is sick. And, I can tell me mother is scared, even though she does not show it. My stepfather has lost 30lbs in the past month. And, has been vomiting everything up for the past few days. And, a hundred years ago, no one would be severely worried about it, because it could have been a simple flu or stomach virus. But now, in this day and age... we deal with thousands of diseases that can kill you. The biggest ones are Cancer and Aids.
How can my mother not be afraid? The healthiest person in the world can develop cancer, while the least healthiest person lives to be 100. Life isn't fair. My mother is scared and I am worried, too. The twins are afraid. They are afraid for their father. And, I'm afraid, too. What if he does have a disease? What do I do? How can my mother cope and deal? How will she survive? How will he? Where will they get the money to pay for the expenses?
As the oldest, I have to try and help. As my mother's confidant, I have to try and help. And, the only way I can help is by getting money in unconventional ways. Is that what I do? Do I sacrifice my life? My morals? My ideals? My body? My sanity? To help my family? Or, do I stand aside, wait, and hope for the best? What do I do to help my family? I am not afraid of what I may have to do to help. I am just sad that I may have to do things that could ruin my future. But, in this day and age, with more acceptance of the odd, whatever I choose to do may not be so bad.
But, I am determined. No matter what I choose, it will not interfere with my dreams. I will still chase them, even if I have to sacrifice myself in the process.
I know, my posts seem to have the reoccurring theme of "family". Obviously, family is my biggest problem... concern... aspect of life. But, why? Why do I care? Why should I care?
I come off to people as a bitch- an ice queen. I don't care about other people's opinions, but for some goddamned reason I care about their feelings. Why? Because deep down, no matter how hard I try not to be- I'm a fucking nice person. Goddamnitall.
Who is the one person whose feelings I care about the most? My mother. My mother and I clash all the time about everything. We never agree on things and I don't care what she thinks anymore. I used to- but now I don't. I get my pride from her. She is a very stubborn and proud woman. I learned to be an ice queen from her. But over the years, the ice she had melted and I began to see the cracks in her facade.
My mother was an ice queen but she was also sensitive and cared deeply about others. So, why does she get a horrible life? Why is she unhappy? Why does life seem to pick on her out of my entire family?
My mother is not healthy herself. A couple of years ago, she had something wrong with her spine. But, like the stubborn person she is, she refused to seek help and lives with it. I'm not sure on the details of her condition but, I believe it has something to do with shrinking ribcage and spine bones. I'm not sure. But, alas, as I said, she does not acknowledge that it exists.
My stepfather has no job and no insurance. The having of no job is not his fault. He just had a lot of shitty stuff happen- what with the broken ankle and then the dislocating of a spinal disk. He has no insurance to go to doctors to help him heal. No insurance because he has no job. No insurance because we live in a shitty republican run country. But, now, he is sick. And, I can tell me mother is scared, even though she does not show it. My stepfather has lost 30lbs in the past month. And, has been vomiting everything up for the past few days. And, a hundred years ago, no one would be severely worried about it, because it could have been a simple flu or stomach virus. But now, in this day and age... we deal with thousands of diseases that can kill you. The biggest ones are Cancer and Aids.
How can my mother not be afraid? The healthiest person in the world can develop cancer, while the least healthiest person lives to be 100. Life isn't fair. My mother is scared and I am worried, too. The twins are afraid. They are afraid for their father. And, I'm afraid, too. What if he does have a disease? What do I do? How can my mother cope and deal? How will she survive? How will he? Where will they get the money to pay for the expenses?
As the oldest, I have to try and help. As my mother's confidant, I have to try and help. And, the only way I can help is by getting money in unconventional ways. Is that what I do? Do I sacrifice my life? My morals? My ideals? My body? My sanity? To help my family? Or, do I stand aside, wait, and hope for the best? What do I do to help my family? I am not afraid of what I may have to do to help. I am just sad that I may have to do things that could ruin my future. But, in this day and age, with more acceptance of the odd, whatever I choose to do may not be so bad.
But, I am determined. No matter what I choose, it will not interfere with my dreams. I will still chase them, even if I have to sacrifice myself in the process.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Not giving up- L.A. in 2014
My family was never really supportive of my dreams to be a famous movie actress. My mother's side of the family believe dreams are a waste of time and should not be nourished. They're instincts are to survive, no matter how miserable you are. But, I cannot follow that idea. If I am not happy in life, why bother living? Honestly? Why? If I am not happy being alive, what is the point of being alive? So, I can be miserable? I don't think so. My father's side of the family always encouraged dreaming, but never got off their asses to help you in anyway to achieve. There motto is basically, if it happens, it happens, deal with what you have and can get. Not good enough.
I have been passive about pursuing my dreams. I blame everyone and I also blame myself. I blame my parents for not supporting me and I blame myself for being weak and not setting out on my own to do what was needed. But, that is changing. My first step in doing so, was hitting up a dude in my Japanese class and asking him to help me, because he seemed to be getting around a lot more than me. He agreed to help me and we became fast friends. Second step, was to write, write, write and write some more. I have written many short stories, started a dozen scripts, and finished a novella and a few scripts. I am on fire with my writing talent, I just need to find a way to get my good shyt out there.
During a recent trip to Toronto, a young man approached me. He saw me writing a script and we started talking. He asked if I was willing to write his story- not a biography, but an original idea that he came up with. He said he always had trouble getting it down on paper. Well, if you know me, you know that getting ideas down on paper is NOT a problem of mine at all. So, we are collaborating. Apparently, he has a lot of hookups as well. if this collaboration goes well, which I fully intend- I can possibly get the same hookups.
I have also made the decision to move to Los Angeles, home of Hollywood. You always here these stories that actors and actresses get roles, by simply walking into a cafe and having a casting director spot them. Now, I know I'm not gorgeous or tall or even beautiful, but I am at least pretty or decent and well- my racial ambiguity can be a HUGE plus/advantage. But, not only that, at least if I live in L.A. I can personally go to agencies and give them my work. Not to mention, I never planned on staying in New York.
New York was never my home. I stayed for two reasons: my ex and my little brother. Since, neither are in my life anymore, I have no real solid ties to keep me in this god forsaken city. My future home is somewhere clean, quiet, and beautiful. I haven't found it yet, and I also doubt L.A. will be final resting place, but it is a start.
And, I'm frightened. I'm so scared, of what will happen and can happen. But, I will count my blessing that I have a definite friend who is moving with me and possibly a few others who will join in the journey. But, as it is, there is a deep breath stopping fear that is gripping my insides and I want to scream, cry, and laugh all at once. The emotions I feel equal to the thrill of leaping off a cliff and falling far into the water below, frightful and exhilarating.
Forementioned friend and I are going to take driving lessons together. Fuck going to cheap Chinese schools. I'm going to go to the school in my neighborhood and hone my skills. The plan is as follows. After she graduates in December 2014, we will drive cross country to our new home in L.A. And, even though I know she will be with me, I am still afraid to leave all I have known behind. But, I have always been brave and laughed in the face of danger. So, I will do this and keep strong.
I have been passive about pursuing my dreams. I blame everyone and I also blame myself. I blame my parents for not supporting me and I blame myself for being weak and not setting out on my own to do what was needed. But, that is changing. My first step in doing so, was hitting up a dude in my Japanese class and asking him to help me, because he seemed to be getting around a lot more than me. He agreed to help me and we became fast friends. Second step, was to write, write, write and write some more. I have written many short stories, started a dozen scripts, and finished a novella and a few scripts. I am on fire with my writing talent, I just need to find a way to get my good shyt out there.
During a recent trip to Toronto, a young man approached me. He saw me writing a script and we started talking. He asked if I was willing to write his story- not a biography, but an original idea that he came up with. He said he always had trouble getting it down on paper. Well, if you know me, you know that getting ideas down on paper is NOT a problem of mine at all. So, we are collaborating. Apparently, he has a lot of hookups as well. if this collaboration goes well, which I fully intend- I can possibly get the same hookups.
I have also made the decision to move to Los Angeles, home of Hollywood. You always here these stories that actors and actresses get roles, by simply walking into a cafe and having a casting director spot them. Now, I know I'm not gorgeous or tall or even beautiful, but I am at least pretty or decent and well- my racial ambiguity can be a HUGE plus/advantage. But, not only that, at least if I live in L.A. I can personally go to agencies and give them my work. Not to mention, I never planned on staying in New York.
New York was never my home. I stayed for two reasons: my ex and my little brother. Since, neither are in my life anymore, I have no real solid ties to keep me in this god forsaken city. My future home is somewhere clean, quiet, and beautiful. I haven't found it yet, and I also doubt L.A. will be final resting place, but it is a start.
And, I'm frightened. I'm so scared, of what will happen and can happen. But, I will count my blessing that I have a definite friend who is moving with me and possibly a few others who will join in the journey. But, as it is, there is a deep breath stopping fear that is gripping my insides and I want to scream, cry, and laugh all at once. The emotions I feel equal to the thrill of leaping off a cliff and falling far into the water below, frightful and exhilarating.
Forementioned friend and I are going to take driving lessons together. Fuck going to cheap Chinese schools. I'm going to go to the school in my neighborhood and hone my skills. The plan is as follows. After she graduates in December 2014, we will drive cross country to our new home in L.A. And, even though I know she will be with me, I am still afraid to leave all I have known behind. But, I have always been brave and laughed in the face of danger. So, I will do this and keep strong.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Being the Oldest Sucks
You don't get to pick the family you're born into. You're born into circumstances you can't change. You need to live and deal with the people you are surrounded by. Sharing blood is like a magic bind that ties you forever to those who are kin. And, if you were brave or selfish enough to ignore the call of the blood and obligations that have to be fulfilled, then you are deemed a DICK.
I cannot turn my back on my family no matter how hard I wish. If they call, I will answer. If they suffer, I do as well. It sucks.
As the oldest of all my siblings I was always made to be the responsible one. I was taught everything to be more mature and think for everyone. I was told the secrets of the family that are hidden from the minds of children. I was never allowed to live in a bubble of happiness like my sisters and brother.
At 17, I was supporting my family off my Starbucks paycheck. It stopped for awhile, but then recently my mother has asked for monetary help again. But she does not know that I can barely support myself. All I can say is thank gods for credit cards with cash advance. Thank god for my good credit, even f I have debt.
But, what are you supposed to do when the woman who birthed you, gave up whatever dreams she had to raise and support you, asks for help? Can you really turn your back without feeling guilty? I can't help but promise that if I ever become successful in my endeavors that she will be the first to receive the peace that money can buy.
And, of course to keep my mother less stressed, I will keep my secrets away from her. She has enough to worry about with a jobless spouse and the twins off to expensive colleges. Twins who had no thought to how our mother would pay for their education, twins who were allowed to be young.
Am I a little mad? Yeah. Why am I always the one left to consider everyone else's well being? I'm not saying they are completely selfish, my family has come through for me when I was in emergency situations, but everyday care... everyday thought... that is left for me.
I cannot turn my back on my family no matter how hard I wish. If they call, I will answer. If they suffer, I do as well. It sucks.
As the oldest of all my siblings I was always made to be the responsible one. I was taught everything to be more mature and think for everyone. I was told the secrets of the family that are hidden from the minds of children. I was never allowed to live in a bubble of happiness like my sisters and brother.
At 17, I was supporting my family off my Starbucks paycheck. It stopped for awhile, but then recently my mother has asked for monetary help again. But she does not know that I can barely support myself. All I can say is thank gods for credit cards with cash advance. Thank god for my good credit, even f I have debt.
But, what are you supposed to do when the woman who birthed you, gave up whatever dreams she had to raise and support you, asks for help? Can you really turn your back without feeling guilty? I can't help but promise that if I ever become successful in my endeavors that she will be the first to receive the peace that money can buy.
And, of course to keep my mother less stressed, I will keep my secrets away from her. She has enough to worry about with a jobless spouse and the twins off to expensive colleges. Twins who had no thought to how our mother would pay for their education, twins who were allowed to be young.
Am I a little mad? Yeah. Why am I always the one left to consider everyone else's well being? I'm not saying they are completely selfish, my family has come through for me when I was in emergency situations, but everyday care... everyday thought... that is left for me.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Anniversary of His Death, JMB
When I was younger, I prayed for a little brother. I planned to love him unconditionally. I planned to take him to the park, movies, birthday parties. I vowed to be the best sister I could be. But, I only wanted a brother. I never wanted any sisters, but sisters aplenty I have. So, when my mother announced that she was pregnant with a boy, I thought my wish came true.
The nine months my mother was carrying my little brother were a blur, they seemed to pass by so fast. And, when my younger sisters and I were allowed to go visit my mother and new brother in the hospital, I couldn't wait to hold him.
A thing I regret now, is that my little young self didn't bring a camera to take a picture of him as a baby. But, that can't be changed now.
The next few months he was home was amazing. My mother never had to ask me to help her with him. I willingly woke up early morning to feed and change him. I gave up my cartoons to read to him. He was everything to me. So one day when I came home and he wasn't there, I worried. My mother and stepfather didn't come home their usual time. My aunt came to babysit the twins and I. I couldn't fall asleep because back then I needed to say goodnight to my mother before I was able to fall asleep.
So, when they finally came home in the dead of night I was awake. And, I didn't see my baby brother.
I asked my mother where he was and she started to cry. I think that was the only time I saw my stepfather hold my mother (even to this day).
I think I grew up that night. I realized my wish didn't come true and that there wasn't a "One" god who watched over everyone, trying to make them happy. I lost my faith in monotheism, shortly after.
My brother didn't come for a over a year. He was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy Stage 3. he needed nurses and a respirator to help him breathe. Doctors didn't expect him to live past two. My brother made it to ten years old, almost eleven.
My biggest regret in the world, is that I wasn't a better sister. I made promises to a normal brother for a normal life, but I wasn't able to adapt that plan to his condition. I couldn't take him out to play, but I could have read to him. I could have stayed with him more often in his room and just spent time with him. But, I didn't because I was too hurt and confused and selfish. I hated the world, I was depressed. I wanted to be alone.
The day he passed away is a day I will never forget. The whole universe seemed to align for me though, clearing the path so that I wouldn't be able to miss it. I'm not sure you would understand, but trust me when I say fate meant for it to be and nothing anyone did could have changed it.
I miss my brother. And, I long for the life that I wished for us. But, I can only hope that in the next life I have, we are reunited and able to be together like I planned.
There was a time when I thought I could cope with his loss; and for awhile I did. But, I was terrified of forgetting him. Because I know my mental defense-mechanism is to forget everything that hurts me and his death hurt me more than having my heart broken by my first love. (I know, what kind of comparison is that? Well, it's the only two great hurts I've suffered in my life so far.) But the truth is... now, I can't look at a photo of my brother without crying (even tough I carry a photo of him with me everywhere I go). I can't even think of him without hurting.
A part of me will never be able to overcome the pain of his life and death. Simply because it was unfair. The unspoken rule of life and death is that the old must die, while the young live. It's the reason why adults would risk their lives to save children. The older you are, the more you have lived, isn't it fair to trade your life for the one of someone younger who hasn't lived? As the eldest of all my siblings, I would give my life to save any of them. I have not loved my life to the fullest, but I have lived and I would give my life so my siblings could do the same.
It's never easy for a parent to lose a child. But, no one ever thinks to consider the hurt the siblings feel. We feel the pain, too. Because even though sibling bicker and argue and may even hate each other, there is bond that ties us together; and, when one of us is hurt, we all feel it.
My brother's life and death caused many issues between our family, but the one thing that never changed was that we all loved him with all our hearts even if we didn't show or rather, sucked at showing. And, we all felt the same guilt and pain. My brother joined our family together and he will keep us that way. His life and death will be the one burden and pain we all share.
The nine months my mother was carrying my little brother were a blur, they seemed to pass by so fast. And, when my younger sisters and I were allowed to go visit my mother and new brother in the hospital, I couldn't wait to hold him.
A thing I regret now, is that my little young self didn't bring a camera to take a picture of him as a baby. But, that can't be changed now.
The next few months he was home was amazing. My mother never had to ask me to help her with him. I willingly woke up early morning to feed and change him. I gave up my cartoons to read to him. He was everything to me. So one day when I came home and he wasn't there, I worried. My mother and stepfather didn't come home their usual time. My aunt came to babysit the twins and I. I couldn't fall asleep because back then I needed to say goodnight to my mother before I was able to fall asleep.
So, when they finally came home in the dead of night I was awake. And, I didn't see my baby brother.
I asked my mother where he was and she started to cry. I think that was the only time I saw my stepfather hold my mother (even to this day).
I think I grew up that night. I realized my wish didn't come true and that there wasn't a "One" god who watched over everyone, trying to make them happy. I lost my faith in monotheism, shortly after.
My brother didn't come for a over a year. He was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy Stage 3. he needed nurses and a respirator to help him breathe. Doctors didn't expect him to live past two. My brother made it to ten years old, almost eleven.
My biggest regret in the world, is that I wasn't a better sister. I made promises to a normal brother for a normal life, but I wasn't able to adapt that plan to his condition. I couldn't take him out to play, but I could have read to him. I could have stayed with him more often in his room and just spent time with him. But, I didn't because I was too hurt and confused and selfish. I hated the world, I was depressed. I wanted to be alone.
The day he passed away is a day I will never forget. The whole universe seemed to align for me though, clearing the path so that I wouldn't be able to miss it. I'm not sure you would understand, but trust me when I say fate meant for it to be and nothing anyone did could have changed it.
I miss my brother. And, I long for the life that I wished for us. But, I can only hope that in the next life I have, we are reunited and able to be together like I planned.
There was a time when I thought I could cope with his loss; and for awhile I did. But, I was terrified of forgetting him. Because I know my mental defense-mechanism is to forget everything that hurts me and his death hurt me more than having my heart broken by my first love. (I know, what kind of comparison is that? Well, it's the only two great hurts I've suffered in my life so far.) But the truth is... now, I can't look at a photo of my brother without crying (even tough I carry a photo of him with me everywhere I go). I can't even think of him without hurting.
A part of me will never be able to overcome the pain of his life and death. Simply because it was unfair. The unspoken rule of life and death is that the old must die, while the young live. It's the reason why adults would risk their lives to save children. The older you are, the more you have lived, isn't it fair to trade your life for the one of someone younger who hasn't lived? As the eldest of all my siblings, I would give my life to save any of them. I have not loved my life to the fullest, but I have lived and I would give my life so my siblings could do the same.
It's never easy for a parent to lose a child. But, no one ever thinks to consider the hurt the siblings feel. We feel the pain, too. Because even though sibling bicker and argue and may even hate each other, there is bond that ties us together; and, when one of us is hurt, we all feel it.
My brother's life and death caused many issues between our family, but the one thing that never changed was that we all loved him with all our hearts even if we didn't show or rather, sucked at showing. And, we all felt the same guilt and pain. My brother joined our family together and he will keep us that way. His life and death will be the one burden and pain we all share.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Animal Fight Club and Dante's 9 Circles of Hell
First and foremost: there should be a special circle in hell reserved for the disgusting humans who created Animal Fight Club.
Animal Fighting Club is, as you can guess, Fight Club without the hot Brad Pitt or any humans as a matter of fact. Animal Fight Club is a fight club where animals, not always of the same species, are placed in an enclosed ring to fight to the death as entertainment for their masters.
Unlike those that believe in the book, The Bible, I believe animals have souls and spirits. Any animal lover can see that an animals have personalities. They have likes and dislikes. They feel pain. They feel emotions. If they were soulless, they would just be mindless biological machines that did nothing except stand there like a piece of terra rock.
Nonhuman-animals have one thing we, human-animals, are not- pure innocence. Our nonhuman-animal cousins may have personalities and spirits, but they do not have a conscious as we do. Without a conscious, they cannot have the desire to do wrong, because they do not know what that means. You can say in a way, that an animal's mind lives in a world of pure innocence and naivety.
So, what kind of sick, mental sorry excuse for a human being thinks it's morally sound to destroy that type of innocence? I'll tell you- the same kind of bastards and motherf*ckers that rape and murder people.
You're probably saying, "Oh, Cassio, don't be so dramatic. Animal Fight Club ringleaders are not in the same category as rapists and murderers."
Well, to that I say, "Shut the f*ck up. And, yes, they are. And, also, in fact, hurting an animal is worse than hurting a human, because at least a human can defend themselves or call out for help. An animal won't know what's going on until it's too late. Nonhuman animals aren't evil or capable of malicious intent towards others. They have no idea, the limitless evils humans can possess and do.
Onward to the second part of my title for this post: Dante's 9 Circles of hell. Which one of these hell holes do Animal Fight Club ringleaders and spectators belong? For those of you who don't know the definings of Dante's hell map, I'll give a brief summarization.
First Circle: Limbo- where all good and decent souls go that do not believe in the "One" god and were not baptized.
Second Circle: Land of Lust- where all souls that committed adultery or fornicated out of wedlock for pleasure go.
Third Circle: Land of Gluttony- where all souls go that led a selfish life and fed their fat ass extra, not giving any to the less fortunate.
Fourth Circle: Land of Greed- where all the souls that thought of themself and only themself in every aspect; mostly filled with politicians and notorious leaders/people of power.
Fifth Circle: Land of Anger- souls that actively sought revenge for the cause of their anger issues and for those that let is sit deep inside to simmer but did nothing about it. It is a bit unfair that those that did not seek out revenge were punished but, hey apparently followers of the "One" god had to be immaculate to get into heaven.
Sixth Circle: Circle of Heretics- where all those that deny the religion and belief of the "One" god go. (Guess, I'll be going here.) But, I won't be alone, because apparently even those believing of the "One" god can go here if they believe in the wrong "sect" of the "true" religion. To be clear" even if you believe in the "One" god, if you are any other religion besides Christian/Catholic you will be joining the party that's in this circle.
Seventh Circle: Circle of Violence- where all the bastards that kill others, commit suicide, or actively destroy the earth go.
Eighth Circle: Circle of Fraud and Lies- place where all those that plan to corrupt others go. Example: cunning politicians, pimps, leaders of conspiracy groups.
Ninth Circle: Circle of Betrayal- a place where those who betrayed someone they had close ties goes. Examples: cheating spouse, parents that hurt their children or vice versa.
So, after going through the entire beehive that his hell, did you spot where Animal Fight Club ringleaders go? If you said the Seventh Circle, you are correct! According to Dante, any person committing acts of violence to the "One" god's creation, Earth, goes to the Seventh Circle. Animals are the 'fauna' part of "flora and fauna" (life of earth); to destroy any aspect of it, is to commit an act of violence against the "One" god and therefore needs to be punished.
We've all heard of cock fights aka rooster fights, dog fights, and even the occasional shark fights. But, I have never in my life heard of horse fighting until this week. Apparently it's been outlawed in the past because it was so popular and now, the sick entertainment is back deep in the jungles of the Philippines. Will the madness never end?
It's sickening how humans can be so cruel. I advocate the normal fight club, where idiotic men beat each other up. Leave the innocent animals alone.
I can't even advocate bullfighting. You're probably asking, "Why not? The bull is twice as large as a human, that's not even fair." To which I say, "No, it's not fair for the bull. Because, here is a little known fact. The bull handlers PURPOSELY injure the bull by jabbing them with spears before releasing it into the arena where the rider attempts to not be thrown off." The bull rider is looked upon as a hero the longer he stays on the back of the bull. Oh, yeah, hero? Try riding the pull without it being injured for you, you delusional idiot.
In fact, i do want to see a fight club. I want to see a fight club where an unarmed and injured human is thrown into a ring with a very upset animal. Yeah, I want to see that fight. It's only fair, right? We've had every other ind of fight club except that. And, yes, that is my malicious human side coming out. But, it's coming out to defend animals so I think it's OK.
My entire point is: it takes a really sick person to harm an animal and people who watch are demented.
Animal Fighting Club is, as you can guess, Fight Club without the hot Brad Pitt or any humans as a matter of fact. Animal Fight Club is a fight club where animals, not always of the same species, are placed in an enclosed ring to fight to the death as entertainment for their masters.
Unlike those that believe in the book, The Bible, I believe animals have souls and spirits. Any animal lover can see that an animals have personalities. They have likes and dislikes. They feel pain. They feel emotions. If they were soulless, they would just be mindless biological machines that did nothing except stand there like a piece of terra rock.
Nonhuman-animals have one thing we, human-animals, are not- pure innocence. Our nonhuman-animal cousins may have personalities and spirits, but they do not have a conscious as we do. Without a conscious, they cannot have the desire to do wrong, because they do not know what that means. You can say in a way, that an animal's mind lives in a world of pure innocence and naivety.
So, what kind of sick, mental sorry excuse for a human being thinks it's morally sound to destroy that type of innocence? I'll tell you- the same kind of bastards and motherf*ckers that rape and murder people.
You're probably saying, "Oh, Cassio, don't be so dramatic. Animal Fight Club ringleaders are not in the same category as rapists and murderers."
Well, to that I say, "Shut the f*ck up. And, yes, they are. And, also, in fact, hurting an animal is worse than hurting a human, because at least a human can defend themselves or call out for help. An animal won't know what's going on until it's too late. Nonhuman animals aren't evil or capable of malicious intent towards others. They have no idea, the limitless evils humans can possess and do.
Onward to the second part of my title for this post: Dante's 9 Circles of hell. Which one of these hell holes do Animal Fight Club ringleaders and spectators belong? For those of you who don't know the definings of Dante's hell map, I'll give a brief summarization.
First Circle: Limbo- where all good and decent souls go that do not believe in the "One" god and were not baptized.
Second Circle: Land of Lust- where all souls that committed adultery or fornicated out of wedlock for pleasure go.
Third Circle: Land of Gluttony- where all souls go that led a selfish life and fed their fat ass extra, not giving any to the less fortunate.
Fourth Circle: Land of Greed- where all the souls that thought of themself and only themself in every aspect; mostly filled with politicians and notorious leaders/people of power.
Fifth Circle: Land of Anger- souls that actively sought revenge for the cause of their anger issues and for those that let is sit deep inside to simmer but did nothing about it. It is a bit unfair that those that did not seek out revenge were punished but, hey apparently followers of the "One" god had to be immaculate to get into heaven.
Sixth Circle: Circle of Heretics- where all those that deny the religion and belief of the "One" god go. (Guess, I'll be going here.) But, I won't be alone, because apparently even those believing of the "One" god can go here if they believe in the wrong "sect" of the "true" religion. To be clear" even if you believe in the "One" god, if you are any other religion besides Christian/Catholic you will be joining the party that's in this circle.
Seventh Circle: Circle of Violence- where all the bastards that kill others, commit suicide, or actively destroy the earth go.
Eighth Circle: Circle of Fraud and Lies- place where all those that plan to corrupt others go. Example: cunning politicians, pimps, leaders of conspiracy groups.
Ninth Circle: Circle of Betrayal- a place where those who betrayed someone they had close ties goes. Examples: cheating spouse, parents that hurt their children or vice versa.
So, after going through the entire beehive that his hell, did you spot where Animal Fight Club ringleaders go? If you said the Seventh Circle, you are correct! According to Dante, any person committing acts of violence to the "One" god's creation, Earth, goes to the Seventh Circle. Animals are the 'fauna' part of "flora and fauna" (life of earth); to destroy any aspect of it, is to commit an act of violence against the "One" god and therefore needs to be punished.
We've all heard of cock fights aka rooster fights, dog fights, and even the occasional shark fights. But, I have never in my life heard of horse fighting until this week. Apparently it's been outlawed in the past because it was so popular and now, the sick entertainment is back deep in the jungles of the Philippines. Will the madness never end?
It's sickening how humans can be so cruel. I advocate the normal fight club, where idiotic men beat each other up. Leave the innocent animals alone.
I can't even advocate bullfighting. You're probably asking, "Why not? The bull is twice as large as a human, that's not even fair." To which I say, "No, it's not fair for the bull. Because, here is a little known fact. The bull handlers PURPOSELY injure the bull by jabbing them with spears before releasing it into the arena where the rider attempts to not be thrown off." The bull rider is looked upon as a hero the longer he stays on the back of the bull. Oh, yeah, hero? Try riding the pull without it being injured for you, you delusional idiot.
In fact, i do want to see a fight club. I want to see a fight club where an unarmed and injured human is thrown into a ring with a very upset animal. Yeah, I want to see that fight. It's only fair, right? We've had every other ind of fight club except that. And, yes, that is my malicious human side coming out. But, it's coming out to defend animals so I think it's OK.
My entire point is: it takes a really sick person to harm an animal and people who watch are demented.
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