Rumors are the life blood of society. Some rumors are spread by mistake and purely unintentional, while others are spread purposely. Society feeds on rumors; for without rumors, there would be nothing really to discuss.
Ugly rumors are spread by people with a vendetta, whose hearts are filled with hate. I know this. I may have done so myself. I am after all only human. But, I do try to refrain.
There is always one rumor flying around about me. And, I am very well aware of what it is. I am always rumored to be a whore. And, of course, it is not true. I have in fact only had four sexual partners. For my age range, that is a very low number.
So, why then, do people say I am a whore? Because I hang out with the male gender too much. Plain and simple. I hang out with males, because female mentality is beyond my scope of tolerance. I think more along the male mindset, then I do female. Hell, I act more like a male than I do female. Being around men has just proven to be less drama and emotional. Being around males is just more chill and relaxing. We play video games, talk, watch movies, joke around, etc. It's hard to find females that do the same without having a sudden debate about a relationship and morals.
So I like to talk to and hang out with males. And, it threatens other females. It makes them think that I am after their partner. No. No. I don't want your partner. I just want to chill and be friends. If I wanted your partner sexually. I do like to believe that I would not attempt anything because I frown upon cheating.
But, I am not to be trusted, according to those females, because men are not to be trusted. And, therefore I cannot be trusted to be left alone with a male. When in fact, I have slept in the same bed with men and never so much as shared a kiss, let alone felt up or cuddled or had sex.
I can sit here and defend myself until I am blue in the face. But, rumors are rumors and people listen to those more than truth. Everyone has "proof" or "statements" supporting rumors. But the fact is most rumors are lies, no matter what support they have. And, it is pettiness to continue with rumors when deep down you know the truth.
Rumors are damaging to say the least. They can take down innocent people. They can hurt people that don't deserve it. Fact is, only petty people spread lies and rumors. And, it is always people you only "somewhat" know, because people that do know you fully are either your friends who disbelieve the rumors or the betrayers that started it.
I have nothing to hide. I have no reasons to lie. I make it a point to not give cause for speculation because I want to avoid drama at all costs. I despise webs of deceit and would rather not ever play a role in weaving them. But, I did. I did spin one, because I trusted the wrong person. And from trusting the wrong person much hate has been brewed because of the lies. Fingers point left and right blaming him and her. When in reality, if we all just refused to lie and pretend none of this would have happened. And there would be no rumors or scathing remarks on anyone's integrity.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
What is "Love of my Life"
What does "love of my life" mean? It has already been established that the majority of the human race throws round the word "love" when they don't mean it; but now I find myself hearing "love of my life" more frequently now.
How has "love" become to diminished in meaning? Back in the days of black and white views on morals, love was only said, when it was truly meant. Now, in this day and age of technicolor and racing pulses and impulses, love is thrown around and definitely does not mean anything anymore. Love- "real" love is dead.
But now, people are throwing around "love of my life" and it is starting to piss me off. Society has already decreased the value of other terms of endearment and affection, now "love of my life" is well out the door.
Why does it bother me so much? Because that phrase is coming out of the mouth of young people. Teens, young adults, middle-aged adults- they are all saying "love of my life". If you are not grey or white in the head and over the age of 50 at least- you have not lived your damned life. You are still alive- not on your death bed (at least I hope not), you cannot say if someone is the "love of your life" if you have not lived it yet.
I get it, you want to be romantic. You have these deep feelings for someone and the only way to convey it is to use the most powerful word we know- which is "love". But, the subconscious of society has already realized the damage it has done to the word, so now we alter it a bit. We've altered "love" to "love of my life" to try and give it back the purity it used to have.
All for nothing. Because, just as its core word, that phrase is now being misused.
Couples always want to say, their partner is the love of their life. They planned on marriage; they are married; they have kids together; they grew up together. Sadly, that doesn't mean anything.
The only way you can trust the words "love of my life" from someone else's mouth is if you are by the bedside of a dying person; or, if you are the child of a person, because all children should naturally be the love of any parent's life.
I used to believe in the purity of love. I, myself, refrain from using it unless I am sure of my feelings. I am never the first to say "I love you". I will always wait no matter how long it takes, because for me, love is still rare and important. You should only love people that are a part of your soul. And, you cannot let anyone- just anyone, be a part of you.
The love of your life should be someone you spent your whole life searching for, waiting for. The love of your life should make you feel and think in ways you never felt. The love of your life never disappears, even in death. The love of your life is unique. The love of your life is not easy to come by. You need to earn it, because finding it and acknowledging and accepting it- is a journey.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Single Mother Fears
The reality of being a single mother hits me the most when I'm alone in the sonogram room. I have so much joy and love for this little thing inside of me, and I cannot share it. It's not easy- knowing you are in this alone.
Yes, I have family willing to help me with the process, but they cannot help me with the loneliness that I feel. I cannot share the joys of watching the baby grow with its father. And, my mother is completely unsupportive- especially emotionally. I am on my own.
I could take the cowards way out. I could abort and kill this life in me. But, that is not me. I don't kill. I am prepared to do what I can and must to survive and provide for my child. They did not ask to be brought to this world. But I was granted this gift to carry this being into life and I will protect it.
No one is ever ready to be a parent. The thoughts that run through my head scare me and they petrify me. I do have plans but at the same time I don't know what to do. I wish I had the baby's father to stand with me. I wish I had my mother to support me. And, it kills me inside to feel so alone. Because that is my greatest fear to be alone, but now so many more fears involving the baby are springing up. What if I do something wrong and the baby comes out unhealthy? What if I choose the wrong schools? What if the baby takes after its father? All of those ideas scare me- and so many more thoughts rage in my head.
And, somewhere within the fears surrounding the baby, my selfish fear always manages to surface. I don't want to be alone.
Yes, I have family willing to help me with the process, but they cannot help me with the loneliness that I feel. I cannot share the joys of watching the baby grow with its father. And, my mother is completely unsupportive- especially emotionally. I am on my own.
I could take the cowards way out. I could abort and kill this life in me. But, that is not me. I don't kill. I am prepared to do what I can and must to survive and provide for my child. They did not ask to be brought to this world. But I was granted this gift to carry this being into life and I will protect it.
No one is ever ready to be a parent. The thoughts that run through my head scare me and they petrify me. I do have plans but at the same time I don't know what to do. I wish I had the baby's father to stand with me. I wish I had my mother to support me. And, it kills me inside to feel so alone. Because that is my greatest fear to be alone, but now so many more fears involving the baby are springing up. What if I do something wrong and the baby comes out unhealthy? What if I choose the wrong schools? What if the baby takes after its father? All of those ideas scare me- and so many more thoughts rage in my head.
And, somewhere within the fears surrounding the baby, my selfish fear always manages to surface. I don't want to be alone.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
I Have to Stay Strong
The past two years have changed my life. Not sure if for the better because honestly, I do not think I have ever been more hurt. I was in love with someone, who I thought cared for me- but it turns out I was just a side piece he was using. He told me many pretty lies and I believed them. And, he would have kept telling me the pretty lies except I told him one truth he could not run away from. I carry our child.
Needless to say he wasn't thrilled. He tried everything in the book to force me to abort but I stood strong and refused. Because while having a baby with me means the end of the world for him- for me the baby was made out of love.
I know all his reasons for not wanting to have a baby with me and I respect them all- they are very logical and make perfect sense. But they mean nothing to me. To me, what I have inside is alive. It has a heartbeat and it is growing. My first proud moment as a mother was hearing the strong heartbeat that the fetus had. It's hard for some women to hear their fetus' heartbeat after 5 or 6 weeks. But here I am, my fetus only four weeks and its heartbeat is so strong. And, I know it got its strength from its father. Because he is a physically strong person.
The only reason I would abort this opportunity is because its medical and health in the future would be at risk. I'm going to take a genetic disabilities test as soon as possible so I can know. If the tests come back negative for anything to worry about, I will keep the baby and raise it on my own. If the tests come back positive for something, then he will get his wish. And, I will abort.
This time, these moments of being a mother should all be filled with joy. But instead I am crushed from the truth. I am heartbroken and alone. I am afraid. my life was never easy. And, it never will be, especially so now. But I am willing to keep fighting.
Needless to say he wasn't thrilled. He tried everything in the book to force me to abort but I stood strong and refused. Because while having a baby with me means the end of the world for him- for me the baby was made out of love.
I know all his reasons for not wanting to have a baby with me and I respect them all- they are very logical and make perfect sense. But they mean nothing to me. To me, what I have inside is alive. It has a heartbeat and it is growing. My first proud moment as a mother was hearing the strong heartbeat that the fetus had. It's hard for some women to hear their fetus' heartbeat after 5 or 6 weeks. But here I am, my fetus only four weeks and its heartbeat is so strong. And, I know it got its strength from its father. Because he is a physically strong person.
The only reason I would abort this opportunity is because its medical and health in the future would be at risk. I'm going to take a genetic disabilities test as soon as possible so I can know. If the tests come back negative for anything to worry about, I will keep the baby and raise it on my own. If the tests come back positive for something, then he will get his wish. And, I will abort.
This time, these moments of being a mother should all be filled with joy. But instead I am crushed from the truth. I am heartbroken and alone. I am afraid. my life was never easy. And, it never will be, especially so now. But I am willing to keep fighting.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
The One Given Adventure
So, this is in the aftermath of watching a very sad movie in which lovers are torn apart by death. There is nothing special about this movie; it does not stand out from others with the same premise. But, since I seem to have the theme of "love" for my blogs, I decided to write something real quick.
I want to link the ideas of "Life is short." with "Love."
I believe in love. I believe in all kinds of love. To quote a favorite series of mine, "Love as thou wilt." I believe everyone should experience the heart racing, heart breaking, heart stopping kind of love. I had that love once, and while it is gone now, it was beautiful while it lasted. Love is just one of the many adventures that life offers.
And for so many of us, we live such boring lives. And, please, let us not try to lie to ourselves. We are born, we go to school, we study for jobs that in the end really don't make us happy, and then we die. Many of us die without having experienced any true thrill- any true happiness.
So, why can't we just allow ourselves the one given adventure? To fall in love? To be in love? To have love?
Love isn't a privilege; it isn't a commodity.
But the world now, treats it as such. Or, even worse- treats love, as if it is nothing.
"Love doesn't pay bills." So... does that mean it's not worth your time and effort? Why are bills more important than love? Bills don't make us happy- they NEVER will. But, love... can.
Nowadays, men and women play games with each other. The game of who can fall first. The game of who is stronger in staving off the feelings of love. The game of pretend and deceit. - It is disrespectful.
Why treat the one given adventure life makes available for us- like garbage? Why treat it so poorly? Did no one ever think to stop and wonder that maybe, just maybe- if we gave love the respect it deserves, that everyone would be happy? Happy because they were able to experience the adventure of love. To not bow in fear before the unknown, but to surrender in courage. To allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust in another soul?
To see..... that it IS beautiful.
Love is everywhere and available for anyone and everyone to have if they just allow themselves to give in to the unknown future.
We all know love can end terribly. Love is like life: it can end pleasantly or unpleasantly. And, what person in their right mind wants an unpleasant end? No one! So, what do we do to try and prevent it? We try to control every living waking moment of our lives. We cower and bow down to fear and as a result, live these boring lives.
Life should be full of life- exhilaration- adrenaline- real light in your eyes- twinkle in your smile- happiness. But, we can't have that, can we? We need money to do what we truly want. We need money to free and go on adventure.
So why not take the free adventure, that no business or corporation or government can put a price on? LOVE.
Why not seek it out? Why not be brave and go on an adventure? Give yourself over to the unknown and let your heart race with the fear that is can end in a way you cannot control? Why not take that gamble?
Life is short. People die everyday for every and any kind of reason. Could you really say that if you died today, you have ever loved? Did you ever give yourself over? Surrender to the unknown feelings and thoughts and choices that will affect your life if you loved? If not, then why are you alive? Why are you still breathing? Why are you just another worker bee in this world? Why are you acting just the same?
Give yourself over. Find love. Fall in love.
Remember back in high school, when you had no cares in the world? When you felt invincible? That is how you should be everyday of your life. Seek out that feeling you once had and hold onto it. That youthful naive courage is what you should always have no matter how old you are. Find that fire again. Use it.
I want to link the ideas of "Life is short." with "Love."
I believe in love. I believe in all kinds of love. To quote a favorite series of mine, "Love as thou wilt." I believe everyone should experience the heart racing, heart breaking, heart stopping kind of love. I had that love once, and while it is gone now, it was beautiful while it lasted. Love is just one of the many adventures that life offers.
And for so many of us, we live such boring lives. And, please, let us not try to lie to ourselves. We are born, we go to school, we study for jobs that in the end really don't make us happy, and then we die. Many of us die without having experienced any true thrill- any true happiness.
So, why can't we just allow ourselves the one given adventure? To fall in love? To be in love? To have love?
Love isn't a privilege; it isn't a commodity.
But the world now, treats it as such. Or, even worse- treats love, as if it is nothing.
"Love doesn't pay bills." So... does that mean it's not worth your time and effort? Why are bills more important than love? Bills don't make us happy- they NEVER will. But, love... can.
Nowadays, men and women play games with each other. The game of who can fall first. The game of who is stronger in staving off the feelings of love. The game of pretend and deceit. - It is disrespectful.
Why treat the one given adventure life makes available for us- like garbage? Why treat it so poorly? Did no one ever think to stop and wonder that maybe, just maybe- if we gave love the respect it deserves, that everyone would be happy? Happy because they were able to experience the adventure of love. To not bow in fear before the unknown, but to surrender in courage. To allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust in another soul?
To see..... that it IS beautiful.
Love is everywhere and available for anyone and everyone to have if they just allow themselves to give in to the unknown future.
We all know love can end terribly. Love is like life: it can end pleasantly or unpleasantly. And, what person in their right mind wants an unpleasant end? No one! So, what do we do to try and prevent it? We try to control every living waking moment of our lives. We cower and bow down to fear and as a result, live these boring lives.
Life should be full of life- exhilaration- adrenaline- real light in your eyes- twinkle in your smile- happiness. But, we can't have that, can we? We need money to do what we truly want. We need money to free and go on adventure.
So why not take the free adventure, that no business or corporation or government can put a price on? LOVE.
Why not seek it out? Why not be brave and go on an adventure? Give yourself over to the unknown and let your heart race with the fear that is can end in a way you cannot control? Why not take that gamble?
Life is short. People die everyday for every and any kind of reason. Could you really say that if you died today, you have ever loved? Did you ever give yourself over? Surrender to the unknown feelings and thoughts and choices that will affect your life if you loved? If not, then why are you alive? Why are you still breathing? Why are you just another worker bee in this world? Why are you acting just the same?
Give yourself over. Find love. Fall in love.
Remember back in high school, when you had no cares in the world? When you felt invincible? That is how you should be everyday of your life. Seek out that feeling you once had and hold onto it. That youthful naive courage is what you should always have no matter how old you are. Find that fire again. Use it.
Friday, September 5, 2014
The Only Rule(s) for Love
I've been trying to write an article about the rules for love. But... I can't. Because the truth is that the whole world has its views and beliefs about what being in love means and what it entails, but the hardcore truth is there is only one rule for love: Do not be responsible for the hurt done to the person you love.
Simply put: do not disrespect, dishonor, or belittle your significant other. And, I'm not just talking about romantic love. This rule is for all kinds of love. Love for your family. Love for your friends. Love for your lover. Just Do Not Hurt Them.
Yes, of course, the beliefs of society are also very good rules. Don't cheat. Always be there. Stand united. Etc. These are the ideals we all hope to have in any relationship. I mean afterall, who wants to be betrayed by someone they love or someone who claims to love them? No one, that's who.
I have this romanticized view on loving people. I love everyone with my whole heart and there is nothing I wouldn't do to help them. I would indeed sacrifice my life for them if needed. I know, I know. Many people say the same thing and of course don't follow through. But, believe it or not, I am one of the few people left alive that can love unconditionally.
Society has belittled emotions and feelings to be irrational and illogical. And, yes, I definitely agree that they are, but it does not make them any less important. How someone feels influences how they think- and that determines what kind of person they are. It is all linked.
People have become so selfish in this day and age. And, I think it is because they are afraid to be hurt. - Well, they should be. But, that doesn't mean they should hold themselves off or follow through self destructive tendencies.
Why cheat? If you love someone- shouldn't you have all you want and need in that person? What are you seeking elsewhere?
Always be there- If you expect your significant other to be there- you should be there for them in turn. It is only fair. And, yes. A relationship does need to be fair. It cannot be one sided. One person cannot be more important than another. Because, in the ideal world, no one person is more important than another.
Support your significant other in whatever endeavors they pursue. The world is full of people ready to put a person down. They do not need it from you. What they need from you is support. Always support people you love. Even if you think it is stupid and you disagree with every atom of your being. Support them. Because you never know how important it is to them.
In the end, I just simply advise that you just love the person with all you heart and do everything you possibly can to make them happy. Push aside the fear, because fear will get you nothing. Live and love as much as you can.
Simply put: do not disrespect, dishonor, or belittle your significant other. And, I'm not just talking about romantic love. This rule is for all kinds of love. Love for your family. Love for your friends. Love for your lover. Just Do Not Hurt Them.
Yes, of course, the beliefs of society are also very good rules. Don't cheat. Always be there. Stand united. Etc. These are the ideals we all hope to have in any relationship. I mean afterall, who wants to be betrayed by someone they love or someone who claims to love them? No one, that's who.
I have this romanticized view on loving people. I love everyone with my whole heart and there is nothing I wouldn't do to help them. I would indeed sacrifice my life for them if needed. I know, I know. Many people say the same thing and of course don't follow through. But, believe it or not, I am one of the few people left alive that can love unconditionally.
Society has belittled emotions and feelings to be irrational and illogical. And, yes, I definitely agree that they are, but it does not make them any less important. How someone feels influences how they think- and that determines what kind of person they are. It is all linked.
People have become so selfish in this day and age. And, I think it is because they are afraid to be hurt. - Well, they should be. But, that doesn't mean they should hold themselves off or follow through self destructive tendencies.
Why cheat? If you love someone- shouldn't you have all you want and need in that person? What are you seeking elsewhere?
Always be there- If you expect your significant other to be there- you should be there for them in turn. It is only fair. And, yes. A relationship does need to be fair. It cannot be one sided. One person cannot be more important than another. Because, in the ideal world, no one person is more important than another.
Support your significant other in whatever endeavors they pursue. The world is full of people ready to put a person down. They do not need it from you. What they need from you is support. Always support people you love. Even if you think it is stupid and you disagree with every atom of your being. Support them. Because you never know how important it is to them.
In the end, I just simply advise that you just love the person with all you heart and do everything you possibly can to make them happy. Push aside the fear, because fear will get you nothing. Live and love as much as you can.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Primal SoulMating and Monogamy
This day and age, society has destroyed the meaning of the word, just like it did with love. Soulmate is now a word thrown around everyday by people who don't understand what it truly means to be a soulmate. If asked what a 'soulmate' is, most of the human population would say something similar to or along the lines of two people destined to be together by fate; two halves of heart meeting and uniting to be together forever in love and the rest of their lives.
Romantics believe in this notion and realists scoff at it. I harbor both sentiments. I believe that soulmates exist but not in the romantic way. Well, how is that possible- to believe in soulmates but not in a romantic sense? Well, because for me, soulmates are the most real form of love out there. Being a soulmate means you have compassion and empathy and an endless love for your significant other- even if you don't want to.
The new age idea is that monogamy is unnatural. Immediately, I say- you are wrong. Why? Because there are in fact, several other animal species, besides our own, that live the monogamous lifestyle. Penguins. Seahorses. Wolves. Gibbons. Swans. Angelfish. Vultures. Turtledoves. Eagles. And a few more. So there, clearly monogamy is a very natural thing.
I personally think that those who think monogamy is unnatural- it is because they never witnessed a successful monogamous relationship. And, it's sad, but this day and age- romance has been lost because people fear to open to it. They would much rather sleep around, get STIs and STDs, have babby mamas and baby daddys. And, sure they can talk up the free lifestyle- but in the end the sad truth is- they are still lonely and one day they will wake up old and alone, with no one special to share anything with- all because they rejected the idea of monogamy. And the irony is, they rejected it so they wouldn't get hurt, but aren't they hurt being alone?
Now, let me be clear, I am not saying that having a soulmate is the answer. And, I am not saying that having a soulmate is better. What I am saying is that there is a different form of soulmate that isn't in books. It isn't the kind of stuff romance novels are made of. It is an ancient form of love. It is primal. It is a part of the human species' instinct that was lost over time as civilizations and societies began to grow.
Primal Soulmating is not love at first sight. Primal Soulmating is not two souls predetermined to meet and unite. Primal Soulmating is not a love connection between two opposites or two personality in-sync people. Primal Soulmating is not romantic. Primal Soulmating is the bond formed when one truly loves another for no purpose. There are no reasons for this love, but you feel it. You are inclined to stay true to it, protect, nourish, nurture, and develop this love even if it not wanted. You cannot control who you love.
A Primal Soulmate is often misunderstood and confused with someone who will not "let go" when the relationship is over. A Primal Soulmate is bonded against their will to another and often resent the bond. But, because it is their soulmate, they try to make it work.
So far, Primal Soulmating sounds like your typical love. Well, here is where it starts to get different. If and when a Primal Soulmating is broken, the broken heart cannot be healed. It ceases to work and it dies. The Soulmate in extreme heartbroken cases- literally dies or in some cases, stays alone for the rest of their life. When you hear someone say, they had a great love once but are still alone now- chances are they are one of the people still in touch with their primal instincts to have that connection.
Primal Soulmating is a curse. It's not something people should want or desire. Because the pain caused by a broken one is irreversible. Every heartbeat is painful and it can last for years until the numbness takes over or the heart dies. Or, if that Soulmate is lucky- they find another they are bonded to and hopefully, that love will last.
But sometimes, Primal Soulmating is a kind of love that some people should have or even deserve. Because Primal Soulmating is the purest and most selfless love in existence and if everyone loved like they did- the world would be perfect.
I fear, I haven't explained all too well what it is Primal Soulmating is. All I can say is, if you are capable of Primal Soulmating- you'll know. And, I wish you luck in love and to never have heartbreak, because I know the pain. I am one of the few capable of Primal Soulmating and for me- it has been nothing but a curse.
Romantics believe in this notion and realists scoff at it. I harbor both sentiments. I believe that soulmates exist but not in the romantic way. Well, how is that possible- to believe in soulmates but not in a romantic sense? Well, because for me, soulmates are the most real form of love out there. Being a soulmate means you have compassion and empathy and an endless love for your significant other- even if you don't want to.
The new age idea is that monogamy is unnatural. Immediately, I say- you are wrong. Why? Because there are in fact, several other animal species, besides our own, that live the monogamous lifestyle. Penguins. Seahorses. Wolves. Gibbons. Swans. Angelfish. Vultures. Turtledoves. Eagles. And a few more. So there, clearly monogamy is a very natural thing.
I personally think that those who think monogamy is unnatural- it is because they never witnessed a successful monogamous relationship. And, it's sad, but this day and age- romance has been lost because people fear to open to it. They would much rather sleep around, get STIs and STDs, have babby mamas and baby daddys. And, sure they can talk up the free lifestyle- but in the end the sad truth is- they are still lonely and one day they will wake up old and alone, with no one special to share anything with- all because they rejected the idea of monogamy. And the irony is, they rejected it so they wouldn't get hurt, but aren't they hurt being alone?
Now, let me be clear, I am not saying that having a soulmate is the answer. And, I am not saying that having a soulmate is better. What I am saying is that there is a different form of soulmate that isn't in books. It isn't the kind of stuff romance novels are made of. It is an ancient form of love. It is primal. It is a part of the human species' instinct that was lost over time as civilizations and societies began to grow.
Primal Soulmating is not love at first sight. Primal Soulmating is not two souls predetermined to meet and unite. Primal Soulmating is not a love connection between two opposites or two personality in-sync people. Primal Soulmating is not romantic. Primal Soulmating is the bond formed when one truly loves another for no purpose. There are no reasons for this love, but you feel it. You are inclined to stay true to it, protect, nourish, nurture, and develop this love even if it not wanted. You cannot control who you love.
A Primal Soulmate is often misunderstood and confused with someone who will not "let go" when the relationship is over. A Primal Soulmate is bonded against their will to another and often resent the bond. But, because it is their soulmate, they try to make it work.
So far, Primal Soulmating sounds like your typical love. Well, here is where it starts to get different. If and when a Primal Soulmating is broken, the broken heart cannot be healed. It ceases to work and it dies. The Soulmate in extreme heartbroken cases- literally dies or in some cases, stays alone for the rest of their life. When you hear someone say, they had a great love once but are still alone now- chances are they are one of the people still in touch with their primal instincts to have that connection.
Primal Soulmating is a curse. It's not something people should want or desire. Because the pain caused by a broken one is irreversible. Every heartbeat is painful and it can last for years until the numbness takes over or the heart dies. Or, if that Soulmate is lucky- they find another they are bonded to and hopefully, that love will last.
But sometimes, Primal Soulmating is a kind of love that some people should have or even deserve. Because Primal Soulmating is the purest and most selfless love in existence and if everyone loved like they did- the world would be perfect.
I fear, I haven't explained all too well what it is Primal Soulmating is. All I can say is, if you are capable of Primal Soulmating- you'll know. And, I wish you luck in love and to never have heartbreak, because I know the pain. I am one of the few capable of Primal Soulmating and for me- it has been nothing but a curse.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Death is never fair, neither is true karma- So take what you want.
I was talking with a coworker of mine. She said she recently began speaking with an old elementary friend that she lost touch with. While reunions are touching and sweet, this was not. But, not because they realized how they changed and had little in common- that was not the case. The reason why the reunion was not sweet was because my coworker learned that her friend had been shot four times by her baby's daddy- but she survived- only, to be diagnosed with brain cancer. ..... That is some serious bullshit.
How do you survive four bullets only to be diagnosed with brain cancer? Why does life spare you the quick death of bleeding out, only to give you a prolonged miserable suffering with brain cancer?
Now, you may say- well maybe they deserved it? Karma is a bitch. My coworker says this woman was good, and since I don't know her personally, I have no choice but to believe that this woman was good. So going along with that idea- why? Why do the good people always suffer and the bad people get whatever they want?
My coworker said, if you think in the biblical sense, it makes sense that bad people are happy because this is their true prize. They have earthly happiness, but in the afterlife will be punished. So then I said what about the good people? When do the good people get what they deserve? When they die? That's bullshit. How am I going to be happy when I'm dead? I'll be dead. Can I enjoy the sunny beach when I'm dead? Can I enjoy silk sheets on a California sized bed when I'm dead? And, what about when I am reincarnated? I'm going to have to go through all the bullshit of learning morality and such just to decided whether or not I want to lead a good life and not get what I deserve or leading a life of selfishness and crime and worrying about my shitty afterlife. What part of all this is fair?
Following the reincarnation idea: If I lead a life of good and don't get what I deserve in this life- then I am supposed to get it in my next. But following the rule of reincarnation- I won't remember who I was and what I did so, how do I know I truly deserve what has happened to me or what I have? I mean this train of thought also goes for if I chose to be bad. Because likewise, if I have a shitty second life, I'm going to wonder what the hell I did in my previous life to deserve this one.
So why not lead a life of crime if I can get away with it? Why not use people? Why not take what I want and what I can get and even more? Why do I have to be good, when karma isn't guaranteed? Why do I have to be good and suffer while everyone else gets to play? Why do I have to be good when everyone else is bad? Why do I have to be good?
How do you survive four bullets only to be diagnosed with brain cancer? Why does life spare you the quick death of bleeding out, only to give you a prolonged miserable suffering with brain cancer?
Now, you may say- well maybe they deserved it? Karma is a bitch. My coworker says this woman was good, and since I don't know her personally, I have no choice but to believe that this woman was good. So going along with that idea- why? Why do the good people always suffer and the bad people get whatever they want?
My coworker said, if you think in the biblical sense, it makes sense that bad people are happy because this is their true prize. They have earthly happiness, but in the afterlife will be punished. So then I said what about the good people? When do the good people get what they deserve? When they die? That's bullshit. How am I going to be happy when I'm dead? I'll be dead. Can I enjoy the sunny beach when I'm dead? Can I enjoy silk sheets on a California sized bed when I'm dead? And, what about when I am reincarnated? I'm going to have to go through all the bullshit of learning morality and such just to decided whether or not I want to lead a good life and not get what I deserve or leading a life of selfishness and crime and worrying about my shitty afterlife. What part of all this is fair?
Following the reincarnation idea: If I lead a life of good and don't get what I deserve in this life- then I am supposed to get it in my next. But following the rule of reincarnation- I won't remember who I was and what I did so, how do I know I truly deserve what has happened to me or what I have? I mean this train of thought also goes for if I chose to be bad. Because likewise, if I have a shitty second life, I'm going to wonder what the hell I did in my previous life to deserve this one.
So why not lead a life of crime if I can get away with it? Why not use people? Why not take what I want and what I can get and even more? Why do I have to be good, when karma isn't guaranteed? Why do I have to be good and suffer while everyone else gets to play? Why do I have to be good when everyone else is bad? Why do I have to be good?
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Unexpected Things; Mardi Gras
People can have several best friends. Yes, it is possible. I have my crazy best friend, my solid best friend who is a rock in this world, my worst best friend, my school best friend, my gay best friend, my work best friend, and my best friend who knows the deepest dark and painful parts of my heart.
My school best friend, Abe, and I have bonded over many things. I can't even begin to remember how it is we first met or became friends. But, I remember we spoke about promising to go to Mardi gras together one day. And, we did. After years of putting it off because we were either in school or too broke, we went. We experienced Mardi Gras 2013 and it was amazing.
We stayed with a friend from college, George. George moved down to New Orleans last year to pursue stunt work for movies and he's quiet successful. I'm glad someone is achieving their dream. But, we stayed with George to cut costs of our visit down, and thank god, because while rent in New Orleans is ridiculously cheap, food and gas are expensive as hell.
I can't be sure what I expected when I went on this vacation to Mardi Gras. To be honest, I figured I would be disappointed because that is always my luck. I invest too much hope and believe in something and it almost always lets me down, but this time... this time was so different.
I have traveled to many places. I love traveling. Not to experience new things, but to see new things. I've been to Puerto Rico, Costa Rica, Canada, Equador, Mexico, and several Caribbean islands. I've been to Texas, Philadelphia, West Virginia, California, New Jersey, and Georgia. I've been on several vacations where I never had to worry or stress about anything. Yet, once I touched down in New Orleans... something in me changed.
I felt.... light. I never felt so free before in my entire life. I had no tethers to hold me down, nothing to upset me. I felt good for the first time in my life.
Something about the vibe in New Orleans settled me. It was like I was washed in cleansing aura. Which is strange because I am very in tuned with paranormal energies, but in the city of the dead, I felt nothing. And, all the energy I felt was calming, which is amazing coming from a toxic stressful and angry energy city like New York.
New Orleans made me feel content. I even finished a script, in 10 days. That is amazing for me. The only downfall about Louisiana so far are the bugs the size of birds. Totally not cool. But, ignoring the fact that the bugs could probably grab me and fly away with me, I was happy and I feel different. It's been days since I've been back to NYC and I haven't flipped out yet. I told my coworkers they should take a gambling poll and take bets on what is going to set me off first. I'm curious myself to see when I'll snap back to my angry toxic self.
But, enough about my soul finding. Let me tell you about Mardi Gras and the French Quarter. First off, for those who have seen Disney's "The Princess and the Frog". I found the frog, maybe I should have kissed him? Well, I will say this. I kissed two strangers during Mardi Gras. I figured if I wasn't going to have meaningless sex, I should atleast kiss ONE person. But, Imagine my luck. I kissed an Irish guy on the last day of Mardi Gras.
I visited the voodoo museum which literally consisted of 2 bedrooms or photos, articles, and props. One of which was the Marie Laveau wishing stump. Both, Abe and I, partook in the experience. We each offered a dollar bill. I know, cheap, but we're both broke. Marie Laveau would understand.
And, while I did not visit the great graveyard that houses Marie Laveau's remains. I did walk in a cemetery. And, not to be weird, but they are beautiful.
See evidence below.
BOURBON STREET, was where I found the most pure good hearted energy. You can get away with not flashing to get the beads, but to get the good ones, some sacrifices must be made. But, let me explain to you how Bourbon Street works. You can either be the people above on the balcony or the people below on the street. Which you choose to be, determines whether you get beads or give beads.
People on the balconies pay from a range of 35 to 60 bucks a night to sit and be the masters of the beads. Restaurants, bars, and clubs purchase the beads in bulk and hang them on the balcony for the customers to throw down to the masses below. The masses below, need not pay any fee. They are the ones that need to earn the beads by begging, being lucky, catching someone else's beads, or flashing. And, yes. I did flash. I was in total and complete Mardi Gras spirit- minus the sex quota of the experience. Also, the unspoken rule, but the rule that everyone seems to know automatically, the beads don't count if they fall on the floor. You can only wear the beads you have caught. There is no prize for who has the most beads, but you do seem to feel proud of yourself if you have a lot.
I'm not one for parades because they usually tend to be just a whole bunch of people marching. Totally boring. But the parades for Mardi Gras are an event that people camp out for. Mardi Gras is technically the Tuesday before Ash Wednesday, one day. But, Mardi Gras is a week long event, leading up to that Tuesday, which is the last day of the celebrations. Each day leading up to that final Tuesday has two different parades. So each Mardi Gras has about 20 to 25 different parades, which each parade having 30 to 35 different floats, and when I say different. I mean different. I attended two different parades on two different days. One theme was "Tuck" and another theme was "Bacchus". I have no clue what they mean, and I don't quite feel like looking them up. But, these floats were beautiful and artistic. And, guess what? They throw beads, cups, and cheap toys out to the spectators. Again, the same rules apply. If the beads hit the ground, they don't count. But, you don't flash at the parades, because this is the family friendly version of Mardi Gras celebrations.
I cannot begin to convey how alive I was in New Orleans, but I was extremely happy and I want to stay that way. Instead of moving to Los Angeles next February, I want to move to New Orleans for two years first. But, I have to convince Niea, who is supposed to move with me to Los Angeles, to move there with me first. I'm hoping she says yes, because I need to have a security blanket, and Niea is supposed to be that for me. Moving to a new place is a big step, and while I am brave, Im not sure I would move to a new place alone. Especially, if I have to share an apartment with people I don't know.
I just hope my plans fall through.
My school best friend, Abe, and I have bonded over many things. I can't even begin to remember how it is we first met or became friends. But, I remember we spoke about promising to go to Mardi gras together one day. And, we did. After years of putting it off because we were either in school or too broke, we went. We experienced Mardi Gras 2013 and it was amazing.
We stayed with a friend from college, George. George moved down to New Orleans last year to pursue stunt work for movies and he's quiet successful. I'm glad someone is achieving their dream. But, we stayed with George to cut costs of our visit down, and thank god, because while rent in New Orleans is ridiculously cheap, food and gas are expensive as hell.
I can't be sure what I expected when I went on this vacation to Mardi Gras. To be honest, I figured I would be disappointed because that is always my luck. I invest too much hope and believe in something and it almost always lets me down, but this time... this time was so different.
I have traveled to many places. I love traveling. Not to experience new things, but to see new things. I've been to Puerto Rico, Costa Rica, Canada, Equador, Mexico, and several Caribbean islands. I've been to Texas, Philadelphia, West Virginia, California, New Jersey, and Georgia. I've been on several vacations where I never had to worry or stress about anything. Yet, once I touched down in New Orleans... something in me changed.
I felt.... light. I never felt so free before in my entire life. I had no tethers to hold me down, nothing to upset me. I felt good for the first time in my life.
Something about the vibe in New Orleans settled me. It was like I was washed in cleansing aura. Which is strange because I am very in tuned with paranormal energies, but in the city of the dead, I felt nothing. And, all the energy I felt was calming, which is amazing coming from a toxic stressful and angry energy city like New York.
New Orleans made me feel content. I even finished a script, in 10 days. That is amazing for me. The only downfall about Louisiana so far are the bugs the size of birds. Totally not cool. But, ignoring the fact that the bugs could probably grab me and fly away with me, I was happy and I feel different. It's been days since I've been back to NYC and I haven't flipped out yet. I told my coworkers they should take a gambling poll and take bets on what is going to set me off first. I'm curious myself to see when I'll snap back to my angry toxic self.
But, enough about my soul finding. Let me tell you about Mardi Gras and the French Quarter. First off, for those who have seen Disney's "The Princess and the Frog". I found the frog, maybe I should have kissed him? Well, I will say this. I kissed two strangers during Mardi Gras. I figured if I wasn't going to have meaningless sex, I should atleast kiss ONE person. But, Imagine my luck. I kissed an Irish guy on the last day of Mardi Gras.
I visited the voodoo museum which literally consisted of 2 bedrooms or photos, articles, and props. One of which was the Marie Laveau wishing stump. Both, Abe and I, partook in the experience. We each offered a dollar bill. I know, cheap, but we're both broke. Marie Laveau would understand.
And, while I did not visit the great graveyard that houses Marie Laveau's remains. I did walk in a cemetery. And, not to be weird, but they are beautiful.
See evidence below.
BOURBON STREET, was where I found the most pure good hearted energy. You can get away with not flashing to get the beads, but to get the good ones, some sacrifices must be made. But, let me explain to you how Bourbon Street works. You can either be the people above on the balcony or the people below on the street. Which you choose to be, determines whether you get beads or give beads.
People on the balconies pay from a range of 35 to 60 bucks a night to sit and be the masters of the beads. Restaurants, bars, and clubs purchase the beads in bulk and hang them on the balcony for the customers to throw down to the masses below. The masses below, need not pay any fee. They are the ones that need to earn the beads by begging, being lucky, catching someone else's beads, or flashing. And, yes. I did flash. I was in total and complete Mardi Gras spirit- minus the sex quota of the experience. Also, the unspoken rule, but the rule that everyone seems to know automatically, the beads don't count if they fall on the floor. You can only wear the beads you have caught. There is no prize for who has the most beads, but you do seem to feel proud of yourself if you have a lot.I'm not one for parades because they usually tend to be just a whole bunch of people marching. Totally boring. But the parades for Mardi Gras are an event that people camp out for. Mardi Gras is technically the Tuesday before Ash Wednesday, one day. But, Mardi Gras is a week long event, leading up to that Tuesday, which is the last day of the celebrations. Each day leading up to that final Tuesday has two different parades. So each Mardi Gras has about 20 to 25 different parades, which each parade having 30 to 35 different floats, and when I say different. I mean different. I attended two different parades on two different days. One theme was "Tuck" and another theme was "Bacchus". I have no clue what they mean, and I don't quite feel like looking them up. But, these floats were beautiful and artistic. And, guess what? They throw beads, cups, and cheap toys out to the spectators. Again, the same rules apply. If the beads hit the ground, they don't count. But, you don't flash at the parades, because this is the family friendly version of Mardi Gras celebrations.
I cannot begin to convey how alive I was in New Orleans, but I was extremely happy and I want to stay that way. Instead of moving to Los Angeles next February, I want to move to New Orleans for two years first. But, I have to convince Niea, who is supposed to move with me to Los Angeles, to move there with me first. I'm hoping she says yes, because I need to have a security blanket, and Niea is supposed to be that for me. Moving to a new place is a big step, and while I am brave, Im not sure I would move to a new place alone. Especially, if I have to share an apartment with people I don't know.
I just hope my plans fall through.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Lonely Little Witch
Yes, I know; the title of this post sounds like a children's story. But, it's not. I don't even call myself a "witch", yet it is what people refer to me as. I am Pagan. I don't practice magic spells or stand over a cauldron mixing elixirs to help me. Yes, there are Pagans that do that and yes, that makes them witches. But, I am not one of them- not that that is a bad thing. I would gladly exercise witchy qualities- if I had my own place and space to conduct them.
My point for this post is to express how lonely I am- being Pagan in this day and age. I am the only Pagan among my friends. I have no coven or group to go to. I've tried to look online for groups- because I genuinely want to learn the truth behind the mysticism of most Pagan beliefs. Alas, I have found are frauds- hippies pretending to be in tuned with Mother Earth so it gives them an excuse to smoke weed, do shrooms, and dance naked in the forest. That's not Pagan- that's ridiculous. All these false believers- impostors pretending to know things, when all they do is read ancient books and quote them to try and sound mysterious.
I want a teacher to help me learn where the stories come from. I want them to sit me down and explain why these herbs work best for this and not that. I want my teacher to take my hand and lead me down a forest path to show me a fairy ring. But, I know this is all wishful thinking.
Current times prevent people from burning me at the stake, but religious people still frown upon anyone who does not believe in the "one god". Does my religion really make me that much of a different person? I am still human. I still have feelings. I still have morals.
Why, then am I treated so different? I wear my belief on my sleeve- literally. The pagan star is tatted on my wrist. You can't miss it. I have seen many people eye it with distaste. That is not fair. I don't scoff at your crucifixes on your throats. Mind you- the cross is a more morbid symbol than the pentagram.
Many people believe that Paganism is Satanism and they could not be more wrong. I do not worship Satan or Lucifer. I worship nothing but the Earth and its wonders. But, the monotheistic religions that govern 85% of our world would lead its people to believe Paganism and Satanism are the one and same, but it is false.
I truly believe that one day when I am long dead, Paganism will rise as the one true religion again. It is the one religion that does not persecute. It is the one religion that accepts all as they are. It is the religion that allows everything to just be.
I wish I could see it one day... that glorious day when truth is spoken and the Earth is healed. But, until then I just pray for a teacher who is not a false practitioner. I also wish that I was not judged for my beliefs. Judge me for my mean demeanor, but not for my religion. I can handle being lonely because I am perceived as a bitch, but I cannot bear to be sad because others cannot respect my beliefs and fear me because of their ignorance.
I am lonely in my beliefs and I wish I wasn't.
My point for this post is to express how lonely I am- being Pagan in this day and age. I am the only Pagan among my friends. I have no coven or group to go to. I've tried to look online for groups- because I genuinely want to learn the truth behind the mysticism of most Pagan beliefs. Alas, I have found are frauds- hippies pretending to be in tuned with Mother Earth so it gives them an excuse to smoke weed, do shrooms, and dance naked in the forest. That's not Pagan- that's ridiculous. All these false believers- impostors pretending to know things, when all they do is read ancient books and quote them to try and sound mysterious.
I want a teacher to help me learn where the stories come from. I want them to sit me down and explain why these herbs work best for this and not that. I want my teacher to take my hand and lead me down a forest path to show me a fairy ring. But, I know this is all wishful thinking.
Current times prevent people from burning me at the stake, but religious people still frown upon anyone who does not believe in the "one god". Does my religion really make me that much of a different person? I am still human. I still have feelings. I still have morals.
Why, then am I treated so different? I wear my belief on my sleeve- literally. The pagan star is tatted on my wrist. You can't miss it. I have seen many people eye it with distaste. That is not fair. I don't scoff at your crucifixes on your throats. Mind you- the cross is a more morbid symbol than the pentagram.
Many people believe that Paganism is Satanism and they could not be more wrong. I do not worship Satan or Lucifer. I worship nothing but the Earth and its wonders. But, the monotheistic religions that govern 85% of our world would lead its people to believe Paganism and Satanism are the one and same, but it is false.
I truly believe that one day when I am long dead, Paganism will rise as the one true religion again. It is the one religion that does not persecute. It is the one religion that accepts all as they are. It is the religion that allows everything to just be.
I wish I could see it one day... that glorious day when truth is spoken and the Earth is healed. But, until then I just pray for a teacher who is not a false practitioner. I also wish that I was not judged for my beliefs. Judge me for my mean demeanor, but not for my religion. I can handle being lonely because I am perceived as a bitch, but I cannot bear to be sad because others cannot respect my beliefs and fear me because of their ignorance.
I am lonely in my beliefs and I wish I wasn't.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Family Legacies and Traditions
Close knit families have legacies and traditions to pass onto the next generation. Some even still have heirlooms to pass down from generation to generation. I think about my family and what it has to offer my generation and the ones after.
Divorce... is a tradition. I know, how can divorce be a tradition? Well, out of all the eight marriages in the generation before mine, six have ended in divorce. Of the remaining two, one is still a happy and strong marriage, the other is only held together because the husband refuses to give up. So, now you can see why I say divorce is a tradition- negative, but a tradition. So, I don't hold high hopes for a successful first marriage. I've accepted it.
Strong familial ties- definite legacy. My Chinese side and my Spanish side may be different in many ways, but the one thing that they have in common is the strong belief in family and the motto blood is thicker than water. No one matter who did what, how evil, stupid, or selfish a member is- if they asked for help, they would get it. No one believes in abandoning family on either side.
Strong personalities in women- legacy. From both sides of my family all the women are strong. There are three shy ones, but all in all, we are all dominant and able to take care of ourself and our own.
Traditions... I cannot think of any, but I have decided to start one. All who bear the name "Nieves" and are part of it, will tattoo a custom designed snowflake. For those of you who need explaining: Nieve in Spanish means snow. So, I was the first in the family to tattoo a snowflake on my wrist. I customized it to fit my personality. The branches end in arrows because I am a Sagittarius and there is a pagan star in the center because it is my true belief. I've already told my father, stepmother, and sister, Maria of the new tradition I am creating. They are all for it. They will design their own snowflake tattoos and carry on the tradition.
Heirlooms... My Spanish grandmother has many things given to her by her mother and grandmother. The oldest and probably most important to my grandmother is the Sagrada Bible. It's a bible in Spanish issued to them by a church. The bible has the most beautiful, colorful images. And, there is a section in the bible itself to record your family tree and history (baptisms, weddings, funeral, births, etc.). Flipping through the history of my family, I have learned my I have many French ancestors; and, the names Basilia and Cruz were once our family names.
I still desire to meet the oldest of my living ancestors just to see if they would approve of me. I want to know what they would say about me. I can't explain why, but it is something I truly want. I also want enough money to hire a genealogy investigator to look up my family history and ancestors to as far back as they can. I want to know where we came from. I want to know my families' past.
Divorce... is a tradition. I know, how can divorce be a tradition? Well, out of all the eight marriages in the generation before mine, six have ended in divorce. Of the remaining two, one is still a happy and strong marriage, the other is only held together because the husband refuses to give up. So, now you can see why I say divorce is a tradition- negative, but a tradition. So, I don't hold high hopes for a successful first marriage. I've accepted it.
Strong familial ties- definite legacy. My Chinese side and my Spanish side may be different in many ways, but the one thing that they have in common is the strong belief in family and the motto blood is thicker than water. No one matter who did what, how evil, stupid, or selfish a member is- if they asked for help, they would get it. No one believes in abandoning family on either side.
Strong personalities in women- legacy. From both sides of my family all the women are strong. There are three shy ones, but all in all, we are all dominant and able to take care of ourself and our own.
Traditions... I cannot think of any, but I have decided to start one. All who bear the name "Nieves" and are part of it, will tattoo a custom designed snowflake. For those of you who need explaining: Nieve in Spanish means snow. So, I was the first in the family to tattoo a snowflake on my wrist. I customized it to fit my personality. The branches end in arrows because I am a Sagittarius and there is a pagan star in the center because it is my true belief. I've already told my father, stepmother, and sister, Maria of the new tradition I am creating. They are all for it. They will design their own snowflake tattoos and carry on the tradition.
Heirlooms... My Spanish grandmother has many things given to her by her mother and grandmother. The oldest and probably most important to my grandmother is the Sagrada Bible. It's a bible in Spanish issued to them by a church. The bible has the most beautiful, colorful images. And, there is a section in the bible itself to record your family tree and history (baptisms, weddings, funeral, births, etc.). Flipping through the history of my family, I have learned my I have many French ancestors; and, the names Basilia and Cruz were once our family names.I still desire to meet the oldest of my living ancestors just to see if they would approve of me. I want to know what they would say about me. I can't explain why, but it is something I truly want. I also want enough money to hire a genealogy investigator to look up my family history and ancestors to as far back as they can. I want to know where we came from. I want to know my families' past.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Thanksgiving 2013, Texas, Reflection
I never spent Thanksgiving with my Spanish side because we live in different time zones. My father is a gypsy, moving his home every couple of years, usually within the Texas state vicinity, but also sometimes different states such as Florida and Oregon. Since, he mostly stays in Texas, my grandmother moved down to be closer to her grandchildren. Her sister moved to Texas to follow her. And, her sister's daughter moved with her children to follow her mother. (Talk about chain reaction or follow the leader). So, basically all my Spanish family members live here in Texas, a state a despise. Yes, despise. I'm sorry, Texas and Texans. I, genuinely without a doubt in my mind, HATE Texas. It's hot; it's boring; you need a car to get everywhere; no one is ever outside because it's too damn hot. I will NEVER live in Texas.
But visiting.... visiting is a different story. When I stay with my grandparents, I feel the most relaxed. I am accepted. I am cared for. I am left alone. I am considered in decisions they make. I love visiting my cousin Alaina, who has the hands of a god in the kitchen and the heart of a gentle saint. I love talking to her and just letting lose all the bottled emotions I had. She has always treated me as an adult and equal. She is so loving and cares for everyone, but it is rare anyone lifts their hands to help her out. So when I am on vacation, I go to her house and help her often with anything and everything she needs. And, I don't feel obligated to do so. I do it because her company makes it enjoyable and because she NEVER once has asked me to help. In fact she tells me not to help because I am on vacation. But, I do, because I know that what little help I offer her, will be her only vacation.
My immediate family (father, stepmother, brother, and sisters) are now divided. Maria lives with her mother (my ex-stepmother) near my grandmother. Sandy lived with my grandparents. Ashley lives with her fiancee, Robert, in Austin with his grandparents. Only Tony and Connie still live with my father and stepmother, Bonnie. Every one of them loves me and I love every one of them. Maria and I have spent the most time together. Out of all my siblings (twins included), Maria and I are the most alike. She is now at an age where I can interact with her as an equal, not an older sister who is in charge. She took me out to drive the car for practice and shopping while I was here. And, even though Sandy and I are under the same roof, we are both loners. She sticks to her room, and I stick to the dining room table. (Back in NY, I am cooped up in my room. I like the feel of being able to stretch my legs and escape a cage. So, whenever I am in Texas, I rarely stay in my designated room.) Tony and Connie are still at the ages where I am still the older sister. I cannot interact with them as equals. Tony is a rambunctious, smartass, who has some trouble with authority and keeping his mouth shut. And, Connie is a shy mommy's girl, who is also still babyed because she is the youngest of us all.
I was never a good sister. I will not pretend to be. I cannot be. I wasn't raised to be emotional or sensitive. I was raised by a Cancer Zodiac sign. And, for those of you who don't know what that means. It means that Cancers are one of the most sensitive people out there, but they hide it, so no one knows. I was raised to be tough and keep my weaknesses to myself. My father raises his children to free with their emotions and embrace them. I actually am very uncomfortable with hugs, which is a huge problem because my father and family here are big on hugs and affection. And, I'm sure it seems like I'm a very cold person. But, I just cannot. It's not how I was raised. It's not me. I'm a better friend than sister. Which is why I love it when my siblings reach the age of sibling equality. The twins, Maria, Ashley, and I can all joke and hang out as equals. But, my younger siblings I am still at a loss at how to interact and deal with. I love them, but I cannot show it.
I love them, and that is why I put aside my OCD at least once during the visit to stay at their home. Which is a real hardship for me. The home is not in anyway ideal for me, my OCD, or my health. So, I often leave the place with asthma. But, I do it at least once because I know it will make them happy, my being there. Even if I just sit there in silence; I am still there- it is the most I can do for now. And, I hope they understand.
But, I came for my first Thanksgiving here, because of my LA plans. This coming year, I don't plan on going anywhere besides Mardi Gras in February. I need to start saving everything I can for the big move, and I figure I won't be fully settled and financially stable in LA for two years, so I definitely won't be traveling anywhere to visit anyone from 2014 to 2016. So, I figured this is my last chance for a definite chance in a real Thanksgiving with my Spanish family. And, I am so glad I did. I saw everyone and it wasn't a really big affair, but just to see people interact was heartwarming.
My grandmother and her sister are hilarious sisters. They were stabbing each other with forks and calling each other fat. My father was calling our cousin Alaina, fat. Alaina said my father's facial hair reminded her of a dirty vagina. Zach, Alaina's youngest son, was on holiday leave from the army and he brought hom other Army strays (soldiers) to celebrate the holiday and he was still as crazy as ever. The soldiers ship back tomorrow and invited me to hang out, but I was too exhausted and a little uncomfortable with a group of people I didn't know. Not to mention I can't drink because of my severe asthma lately. (Total joy killer, having asthma.) I took my cousin Derek got his first tattoo. He's a 5th grade teacher and in his mid forties. He got a tribal Sagittarius tattoo on his left shoulder blade. He made funny faces of pain throughout the entire inking. My grandaunt (Grandmother's sister) Lulu, had a huge tear in the back of her jeans and she was out in public. While driving with Maria, a crazed car popped up behind me and flashed their lights. I thought for sure we were going to be killed and drove like a maniac, which I think scared Maria more. I met Ashley's fiancee for the first time and they seem happy, which makes me happy. My cousin John gave me a welcome hug of his own accord. My grandmother ran a red light. I pulled a move my mother would have done and did a fast left turn before a car could get in front of me, and scared my father half to death.
I always have good memories when I come here and spend time with them. Watching them all makes me happy, when normally in my boring mundane life, I am just content. I enjoy it beging here, surrounded by warm love. But no matter how many times my father asks, I would never live here. I like a place where there is a deli 2 minutes walk away. I love being in a place where I can walk to work and not die from a heatstroke. I like being able to order delivery. I cannot live in Texas.
I love my family but, I need to love myself, and follow my dream. I need to leave my family to love myself. I will cherish the memories I have made this holiday.
But visiting.... visiting is a different story. When I stay with my grandparents, I feel the most relaxed. I am accepted. I am cared for. I am left alone. I am considered in decisions they make. I love visiting my cousin Alaina, who has the hands of a god in the kitchen and the heart of a gentle saint. I love talking to her and just letting lose all the bottled emotions I had. She has always treated me as an adult and equal. She is so loving and cares for everyone, but it is rare anyone lifts their hands to help her out. So when I am on vacation, I go to her house and help her often with anything and everything she needs. And, I don't feel obligated to do so. I do it because her company makes it enjoyable and because she NEVER once has asked me to help. In fact she tells me not to help because I am on vacation. But, I do, because I know that what little help I offer her, will be her only vacation.
My immediate family (father, stepmother, brother, and sisters) are now divided. Maria lives with her mother (my ex-stepmother) near my grandmother. Sandy lived with my grandparents. Ashley lives with her fiancee, Robert, in Austin with his grandparents. Only Tony and Connie still live with my father and stepmother, Bonnie. Every one of them loves me and I love every one of them. Maria and I have spent the most time together. Out of all my siblings (twins included), Maria and I are the most alike. She is now at an age where I can interact with her as an equal, not an older sister who is in charge. She took me out to drive the car for practice and shopping while I was here. And, even though Sandy and I are under the same roof, we are both loners. She sticks to her room, and I stick to the dining room table. (Back in NY, I am cooped up in my room. I like the feel of being able to stretch my legs and escape a cage. So, whenever I am in Texas, I rarely stay in my designated room.) Tony and Connie are still at the ages where I am still the older sister. I cannot interact with them as equals. Tony is a rambunctious, smartass, who has some trouble with authority and keeping his mouth shut. And, Connie is a shy mommy's girl, who is also still babyed because she is the youngest of us all.
I was never a good sister. I will not pretend to be. I cannot be. I wasn't raised to be emotional or sensitive. I was raised by a Cancer Zodiac sign. And, for those of you who don't know what that means. It means that Cancers are one of the most sensitive people out there, but they hide it, so no one knows. I was raised to be tough and keep my weaknesses to myself. My father raises his children to free with their emotions and embrace them. I actually am very uncomfortable with hugs, which is a huge problem because my father and family here are big on hugs and affection. And, I'm sure it seems like I'm a very cold person. But, I just cannot. It's not how I was raised. It's not me. I'm a better friend than sister. Which is why I love it when my siblings reach the age of sibling equality. The twins, Maria, Ashley, and I can all joke and hang out as equals. But, my younger siblings I am still at a loss at how to interact and deal with. I love them, but I cannot show it.
I love them, and that is why I put aside my OCD at least once during the visit to stay at their home. Which is a real hardship for me. The home is not in anyway ideal for me, my OCD, or my health. So, I often leave the place with asthma. But, I do it at least once because I know it will make them happy, my being there. Even if I just sit there in silence; I am still there- it is the most I can do for now. And, I hope they understand.
But, I came for my first Thanksgiving here, because of my LA plans. This coming year, I don't plan on going anywhere besides Mardi Gras in February. I need to start saving everything I can for the big move, and I figure I won't be fully settled and financially stable in LA for two years, so I definitely won't be traveling anywhere to visit anyone from 2014 to 2016. So, I figured this is my last chance for a definite chance in a real Thanksgiving with my Spanish family. And, I am so glad I did. I saw everyone and it wasn't a really big affair, but just to see people interact was heartwarming.
My grandmother and her sister are hilarious sisters. They were stabbing each other with forks and calling each other fat. My father was calling our cousin Alaina, fat. Alaina said my father's facial hair reminded her of a dirty vagina. Zach, Alaina's youngest son, was on holiday leave from the army and he brought hom other Army strays (soldiers) to celebrate the holiday and he was still as crazy as ever. The soldiers ship back tomorrow and invited me to hang out, but I was too exhausted and a little uncomfortable with a group of people I didn't know. Not to mention I can't drink because of my severe asthma lately. (Total joy killer, having asthma.) I took my cousin Derek got his first tattoo. He's a 5th grade teacher and in his mid forties. He got a tribal Sagittarius tattoo on his left shoulder blade. He made funny faces of pain throughout the entire inking. My grandaunt (Grandmother's sister) Lulu, had a huge tear in the back of her jeans and she was out in public. While driving with Maria, a crazed car popped up behind me and flashed their lights. I thought for sure we were going to be killed and drove like a maniac, which I think scared Maria more. I met Ashley's fiancee for the first time and they seem happy, which makes me happy. My cousin John gave me a welcome hug of his own accord. My grandmother ran a red light. I pulled a move my mother would have done and did a fast left turn before a car could get in front of me, and scared my father half to death.
I always have good memories when I come here and spend time with them. Watching them all makes me happy, when normally in my boring mundane life, I am just content. I enjoy it beging here, surrounded by warm love. But no matter how many times my father asks, I would never live here. I like a place where there is a deli 2 minutes walk away. I love being in a place where I can walk to work and not die from a heatstroke. I like being able to order delivery. I cannot live in Texas.
I love my family but, I need to love myself, and follow my dream. I need to leave my family to love myself. I will cherish the memories I have made this holiday.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Shade's Children, Being Unknown, & Injustice of Experience
As you all know, I am an author of short stories and movie scripts. My ultimate goal is to be a movie star and screenplay author. So, what is a nobody like me supposed to do to get my material out there? I'm part of the Writers Guild of America. I have scripts floating around out there, but alas, because I am a nobody, no one will want to give me a chance.
So, I try a different path. I decide to write a screenplay for one of my favorite books: Shade's Children by Garth Nix. I first emailed Garth Nix, telling him of my intentions. I told him I wanted to write a screenplay for his book. I was a fan of the story and I thought it would be great if fans could see a live action rendition of it. I told him, since I am a fast writer I would be done with it in two months max. I told him I wanted his blessing, etc. Garth Nix never emailed me back. Undeterred, I wrote the script in less than two months. I had several friends read it, and they all loved it. I wrote to Garth Nix once again, and told him I did what I said i was going to do. I wrote the screenplay for his book. I received an email back from him saying he was flattered I was a fan, but he should have gotten permission first, and that he is currently in negotiations now with a production company to pen a screenplay.
Of course, at the moment I wanted to kill him and myself. If he wasn't an inconsiderate person and replied to my first email, then I wouldn't have wasted my time. But, then I remembered 90% of the human population don't take others seriously when they say they are going to do something. It is only when they are in fact threatened in some way that they decide to take some sort of action. So naturally, having the knowledge that I wrote the screenplay for his book, shook him. He probably thought to himself, how dare this nobody write a screenplay for my book? But, you know what. I did.
I wrote a full screenplay based EXACTLY on his book. With of course a few flares of my own personality in there. But nonetheless, it is a flawless script for his book. He waited until I threatened his ego as a writer to speak with me, and will guess what. I'm outing him. My blog may not be read by many people, but if someone searches Shade's Children and movie, this post is sure to pop up, and might possibly get read. So, that is enough for me.
It's sick how people ask for people with more experience, and at the same time refuse to give people the opportunity to learn. If Garth Nix was a true genuine person who wanted to support others, he would give me a chance. The same could be said of his publishing company whom I also contacted. What is so wrong with taking a few hours to help someone who might be good?
I would have complied in every way to get my script into production. I have no problems saying it was based on Garth Nix's novel. And, even if he wanted to change a few things in it, I would have been fine with it. I just want my name on screenplay because I wrote it and it was good. But, no. Authors with egos are just another member of pool of jerks that reside in the world. But that is fine, because I'll find another way to win and in essence get revenge. Because no one screws with me and gets away with it. I don't forgive and forget. I get even and I enjoy revenge.
So, I try a different path. I decide to write a screenplay for one of my favorite books: Shade's Children by Garth Nix. I first emailed Garth Nix, telling him of my intentions. I told him I wanted to write a screenplay for his book. I was a fan of the story and I thought it would be great if fans could see a live action rendition of it. I told him, since I am a fast writer I would be done with it in two months max. I told him I wanted his blessing, etc. Garth Nix never emailed me back. Undeterred, I wrote the script in less than two months. I had several friends read it, and they all loved it. I wrote to Garth Nix once again, and told him I did what I said i was going to do. I wrote the screenplay for his book. I received an email back from him saying he was flattered I was a fan, but he should have gotten permission first, and that he is currently in negotiations now with a production company to pen a screenplay.
Of course, at the moment I wanted to kill him and myself. If he wasn't an inconsiderate person and replied to my first email, then I wouldn't have wasted my time. But, then I remembered 90% of the human population don't take others seriously when they say they are going to do something. It is only when they are in fact threatened in some way that they decide to take some sort of action. So naturally, having the knowledge that I wrote the screenplay for his book, shook him. He probably thought to himself, how dare this nobody write a screenplay for my book? But, you know what. I did.
I wrote a full screenplay based EXACTLY on his book. With of course a few flares of my own personality in there. But nonetheless, it is a flawless script for his book. He waited until I threatened his ego as a writer to speak with me, and will guess what. I'm outing him. My blog may not be read by many people, but if someone searches Shade's Children and movie, this post is sure to pop up, and might possibly get read. So, that is enough for me.
It's sick how people ask for people with more experience, and at the same time refuse to give people the opportunity to learn. If Garth Nix was a true genuine person who wanted to support others, he would give me a chance. The same could be said of his publishing company whom I also contacted. What is so wrong with taking a few hours to help someone who might be good?
I would have complied in every way to get my script into production. I have no problems saying it was based on Garth Nix's novel. And, even if he wanted to change a few things in it, I would have been fine with it. I just want my name on screenplay because I wrote it and it was good. But, no. Authors with egos are just another member of pool of jerks that reside in the world. But that is fine, because I'll find another way to win and in essence get revenge. Because no one screws with me and gets away with it. I don't forgive and forget. I get even and I enjoy revenge.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
1st Thanksgiving Ever, Pescatarianism, & Family
Growing up with my Chinese side, I was never subjected to real family drama. The most drama that went around with them was that my Chinese grandmother acts like an overgrown child and annoyed the hell out of everyone. To that statement I will agree, she gets under your skin and just.... shreds your mind with her high pitched yelling voice and need to repeat everything over and over. But, aside from her... my mother and her two sisters are close and they speak and gossip everyday about all their children. There are two lost aunts who live in their own worlds and aren't really included in family functions, but that is their decision. Even so, there is no drama between anyone in my Chinese side of my family. I grew up with this life of no drama and animosity between my family members so it's always shocking when I go to visit my Spanish side of the family and see the opposite.
Chinese people do not celebrate holidays. Sure Americanized families get together and eat a meal, but it's not the traditional American Thanksgiving of turkeys, mashed potatoes, corn, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pies. So, in all my life, I never had a proper Thanksgiving. So, in light of my future plans of moving to L.A. and trying to settle in, I know I won't be traveling to visit any family for the next couple of years until I'm fully settled and nested in my new home. This is quite literally the only chance I have of having a real Thanksgiving with my Spanish family. As such, I have put aside my pescatarianism to consume meat, because there is no such thing as a pescatarian Spanish family. I would starve here if I continued to be a priss like that.
And, being pescatarian isn't a religious choice. I chose to slowly cut meat out of my diet, not because it's unhealthy for you, but because I don't like the idea of eating another living thing. Because the truth is, the animals will be killed irregardless of cruelty or supply. Humans are meant to be carnivorous and also eat plants. It is our species' evolution. And, besides with all the animals being killed out there someone has to eat it. I just choose for that someone to not be me. I don't care if anyone else eats meat. Hell, I can't kick eating salmon and shrimp. I know I will eventually, but definitely not anytime soon. So, all I'd have to worry about is, eating plants, and killing them.
Anyway, back to the Spanish family and their animosity towards certain other members. In this aspect I am the Swiss. I am Australia. I am neutral territory. I both abhor and am thankful for the way my mother raised me, because she taught me to be a proper independent child who was obedient and quiet. And, as such a child, every single family member I have loves me because I always behaved and helped around their houses. And as a such loved child, all my family members babied me and spoiled me, making me love them all in return. So, when I hear so and so dislikes so and so, it slightly bothers me. And, I know they confide their true feelings in me because I am a good listener and they want me to know the reason why they feel these emotions, and sure they can be justified to that person, but to me, even if it is true, I cannot hate any of my family members. I love them all. I may not show it, because I am not an emotional person or warm, but I do care.
I have a divided united family. Yes, a divided united family. I have divorced parents, but a huge family who stretches across the typical social boundaries to stay united. And, yes that causes many relationships to strain, but atleast there is family so catch you if you fall. If so and so hates so and so, it won't matter because in the end, you have that one tie to keep you together and you can't sever it. And, yes, they tell me they hate so and so, but you know what.... it's not just hate. It's also love.
I have come to the conclusion that all the rants I hear about how this family member sucks and is aweful, etc, it's out of love and disappointment. The person is disappointed that the other could be such a failure, when they could be so much more. And, they hate them because there was love, but that was strained because of all the disappointment that was felt towards that person.
I know, I talked in circles in this post. But, I can't mention certain family members, because they could be read and I'm not opening that can of worms.
Chinese people do not celebrate holidays. Sure Americanized families get together and eat a meal, but it's not the traditional American Thanksgiving of turkeys, mashed potatoes, corn, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pies. So, in all my life, I never had a proper Thanksgiving. So, in light of my future plans of moving to L.A. and trying to settle in, I know I won't be traveling to visit any family for the next couple of years until I'm fully settled and nested in my new home. This is quite literally the only chance I have of having a real Thanksgiving with my Spanish family. As such, I have put aside my pescatarianism to consume meat, because there is no such thing as a pescatarian Spanish family. I would starve here if I continued to be a priss like that.
And, being pescatarian isn't a religious choice. I chose to slowly cut meat out of my diet, not because it's unhealthy for you, but because I don't like the idea of eating another living thing. Because the truth is, the animals will be killed irregardless of cruelty or supply. Humans are meant to be carnivorous and also eat plants. It is our species' evolution. And, besides with all the animals being killed out there someone has to eat it. I just choose for that someone to not be me. I don't care if anyone else eats meat. Hell, I can't kick eating salmon and shrimp. I know I will eventually, but definitely not anytime soon. So, all I'd have to worry about is, eating plants, and killing them.
Anyway, back to the Spanish family and their animosity towards certain other members. In this aspect I am the Swiss. I am Australia. I am neutral territory. I both abhor and am thankful for the way my mother raised me, because she taught me to be a proper independent child who was obedient and quiet. And, as such a child, every single family member I have loves me because I always behaved and helped around their houses. And as a such loved child, all my family members babied me and spoiled me, making me love them all in return. So, when I hear so and so dislikes so and so, it slightly bothers me. And, I know they confide their true feelings in me because I am a good listener and they want me to know the reason why they feel these emotions, and sure they can be justified to that person, but to me, even if it is true, I cannot hate any of my family members. I love them all. I may not show it, because I am not an emotional person or warm, but I do care.
I have a divided united family. Yes, a divided united family. I have divorced parents, but a huge family who stretches across the typical social boundaries to stay united. And, yes that causes many relationships to strain, but atleast there is family so catch you if you fall. If so and so hates so and so, it won't matter because in the end, you have that one tie to keep you together and you can't sever it. And, yes, they tell me they hate so and so, but you know what.... it's not just hate. It's also love.
I have come to the conclusion that all the rants I hear about how this family member sucks and is aweful, etc, it's out of love and disappointment. The person is disappointed that the other could be such a failure, when they could be so much more. And, they hate them because there was love, but that was strained because of all the disappointment that was felt towards that person.
I know, I talked in circles in this post. But, I can't mention certain family members, because they could be read and I'm not opening that can of worms.
Monday, October 8, 2012
What do I do?
What do you do when your family is in need?
I know, my posts seem to have the reoccurring theme of "family". Obviously, family is my biggest problem... concern... aspect of life. But, why? Why do I care? Why should I care?
I come off to people as a bitch- an ice queen. I don't care about other people's opinions, but for some goddamned reason I care about their feelings. Why? Because deep down, no matter how hard I try not to be- I'm a fucking nice person. Goddamnitall.
Who is the one person whose feelings I care about the most? My mother. My mother and I clash all the time about everything. We never agree on things and I don't care what she thinks anymore. I used to- but now I don't. I get my pride from her. She is a very stubborn and proud woman. I learned to be an ice queen from her. But over the years, the ice she had melted and I began to see the cracks in her facade.
My mother was an ice queen but she was also sensitive and cared deeply about others. So, why does she get a horrible life? Why is she unhappy? Why does life seem to pick on her out of my entire family?
My mother is not healthy herself. A couple of years ago, she had something wrong with her spine. But, like the stubborn person she is, she refused to seek help and lives with it. I'm not sure on the details of her condition but, I believe it has something to do with shrinking ribcage and spine bones. I'm not sure. But, alas, as I said, she does not acknowledge that it exists.
My stepfather has no job and no insurance. The having of no job is not his fault. He just had a lot of shitty stuff happen- what with the broken ankle and then the dislocating of a spinal disk. He has no insurance to go to doctors to help him heal. No insurance because he has no job. No insurance because we live in a shitty republican run country. But, now, he is sick. And, I can tell me mother is scared, even though she does not show it. My stepfather has lost 30lbs in the past month. And, has been vomiting everything up for the past few days. And, a hundred years ago, no one would be severely worried about it, because it could have been a simple flu or stomach virus. But now, in this day and age... we deal with thousands of diseases that can kill you. The biggest ones are Cancer and Aids.
How can my mother not be afraid? The healthiest person in the world can develop cancer, while the least healthiest person lives to be 100. Life isn't fair. My mother is scared and I am worried, too. The twins are afraid. They are afraid for their father. And, I'm afraid, too. What if he does have a disease? What do I do? How can my mother cope and deal? How will she survive? How will he? Where will they get the money to pay for the expenses?
As the oldest, I have to try and help. As my mother's confidant, I have to try and help. And, the only way I can help is by getting money in unconventional ways. Is that what I do? Do I sacrifice my life? My morals? My ideals? My body? My sanity? To help my family? Or, do I stand aside, wait, and hope for the best? What do I do to help my family? I am not afraid of what I may have to do to help. I am just sad that I may have to do things that could ruin my future. But, in this day and age, with more acceptance of the odd, whatever I choose to do may not be so bad.
But, I am determined. No matter what I choose, it will not interfere with my dreams. I will still chase them, even if I have to sacrifice myself in the process.
I know, my posts seem to have the reoccurring theme of "family". Obviously, family is my biggest problem... concern... aspect of life. But, why? Why do I care? Why should I care?
I come off to people as a bitch- an ice queen. I don't care about other people's opinions, but for some goddamned reason I care about their feelings. Why? Because deep down, no matter how hard I try not to be- I'm a fucking nice person. Goddamnitall.
Who is the one person whose feelings I care about the most? My mother. My mother and I clash all the time about everything. We never agree on things and I don't care what she thinks anymore. I used to- but now I don't. I get my pride from her. She is a very stubborn and proud woman. I learned to be an ice queen from her. But over the years, the ice she had melted and I began to see the cracks in her facade.
My mother was an ice queen but she was also sensitive and cared deeply about others. So, why does she get a horrible life? Why is she unhappy? Why does life seem to pick on her out of my entire family?
My mother is not healthy herself. A couple of years ago, she had something wrong with her spine. But, like the stubborn person she is, she refused to seek help and lives with it. I'm not sure on the details of her condition but, I believe it has something to do with shrinking ribcage and spine bones. I'm not sure. But, alas, as I said, she does not acknowledge that it exists.
My stepfather has no job and no insurance. The having of no job is not his fault. He just had a lot of shitty stuff happen- what with the broken ankle and then the dislocating of a spinal disk. He has no insurance to go to doctors to help him heal. No insurance because he has no job. No insurance because we live in a shitty republican run country. But, now, he is sick. And, I can tell me mother is scared, even though she does not show it. My stepfather has lost 30lbs in the past month. And, has been vomiting everything up for the past few days. And, a hundred years ago, no one would be severely worried about it, because it could have been a simple flu or stomach virus. But now, in this day and age... we deal with thousands of diseases that can kill you. The biggest ones are Cancer and Aids.
How can my mother not be afraid? The healthiest person in the world can develop cancer, while the least healthiest person lives to be 100. Life isn't fair. My mother is scared and I am worried, too. The twins are afraid. They are afraid for their father. And, I'm afraid, too. What if he does have a disease? What do I do? How can my mother cope and deal? How will she survive? How will he? Where will they get the money to pay for the expenses?
As the oldest, I have to try and help. As my mother's confidant, I have to try and help. And, the only way I can help is by getting money in unconventional ways. Is that what I do? Do I sacrifice my life? My morals? My ideals? My body? My sanity? To help my family? Or, do I stand aside, wait, and hope for the best? What do I do to help my family? I am not afraid of what I may have to do to help. I am just sad that I may have to do things that could ruin my future. But, in this day and age, with more acceptance of the odd, whatever I choose to do may not be so bad.
But, I am determined. No matter what I choose, it will not interfere with my dreams. I will still chase them, even if I have to sacrifice myself in the process.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Not giving up- L.A. in 2014
My family was never really supportive of my dreams to be a famous movie actress. My mother's side of the family believe dreams are a waste of time and should not be nourished. They're instincts are to survive, no matter how miserable you are. But, I cannot follow that idea. If I am not happy in life, why bother living? Honestly? Why? If I am not happy being alive, what is the point of being alive? So, I can be miserable? I don't think so. My father's side of the family always encouraged dreaming, but never got off their asses to help you in anyway to achieve. There motto is basically, if it happens, it happens, deal with what you have and can get. Not good enough.
I have been passive about pursuing my dreams. I blame everyone and I also blame myself. I blame my parents for not supporting me and I blame myself for being weak and not setting out on my own to do what was needed. But, that is changing. My first step in doing so, was hitting up a dude in my Japanese class and asking him to help me, because he seemed to be getting around a lot more than me. He agreed to help me and we became fast friends. Second step, was to write, write, write and write some more. I have written many short stories, started a dozen scripts, and finished a novella and a few scripts. I am on fire with my writing talent, I just need to find a way to get my good shyt out there.
During a recent trip to Toronto, a young man approached me. He saw me writing a script and we started talking. He asked if I was willing to write his story- not a biography, but an original idea that he came up with. He said he always had trouble getting it down on paper. Well, if you know me, you know that getting ideas down on paper is NOT a problem of mine at all. So, we are collaborating. Apparently, he has a lot of hookups as well. if this collaboration goes well, which I fully intend- I can possibly get the same hookups.
I have also made the decision to move to Los Angeles, home of Hollywood. You always here these stories that actors and actresses get roles, by simply walking into a cafe and having a casting director spot them. Now, I know I'm not gorgeous or tall or even beautiful, but I am at least pretty or decent and well- my racial ambiguity can be a HUGE plus/advantage. But, not only that, at least if I live in L.A. I can personally go to agencies and give them my work. Not to mention, I never planned on staying in New York.
New York was never my home. I stayed for two reasons: my ex and my little brother. Since, neither are in my life anymore, I have no real solid ties to keep me in this god forsaken city. My future home is somewhere clean, quiet, and beautiful. I haven't found it yet, and I also doubt L.A. will be final resting place, but it is a start.
And, I'm frightened. I'm so scared, of what will happen and can happen. But, I will count my blessing that I have a definite friend who is moving with me and possibly a few others who will join in the journey. But, as it is, there is a deep breath stopping fear that is gripping my insides and I want to scream, cry, and laugh all at once. The emotions I feel equal to the thrill of leaping off a cliff and falling far into the water below, frightful and exhilarating.
Forementioned friend and I are going to take driving lessons together. Fuck going to cheap Chinese schools. I'm going to go to the school in my neighborhood and hone my skills. The plan is as follows. After she graduates in December 2014, we will drive cross country to our new home in L.A. And, even though I know she will be with me, I am still afraid to leave all I have known behind. But, I have always been brave and laughed in the face of danger. So, I will do this and keep strong.
I have been passive about pursuing my dreams. I blame everyone and I also blame myself. I blame my parents for not supporting me and I blame myself for being weak and not setting out on my own to do what was needed. But, that is changing. My first step in doing so, was hitting up a dude in my Japanese class and asking him to help me, because he seemed to be getting around a lot more than me. He agreed to help me and we became fast friends. Second step, was to write, write, write and write some more. I have written many short stories, started a dozen scripts, and finished a novella and a few scripts. I am on fire with my writing talent, I just need to find a way to get my good shyt out there.
During a recent trip to Toronto, a young man approached me. He saw me writing a script and we started talking. He asked if I was willing to write his story- not a biography, but an original idea that he came up with. He said he always had trouble getting it down on paper. Well, if you know me, you know that getting ideas down on paper is NOT a problem of mine at all. So, we are collaborating. Apparently, he has a lot of hookups as well. if this collaboration goes well, which I fully intend- I can possibly get the same hookups.
I have also made the decision to move to Los Angeles, home of Hollywood. You always here these stories that actors and actresses get roles, by simply walking into a cafe and having a casting director spot them. Now, I know I'm not gorgeous or tall or even beautiful, but I am at least pretty or decent and well- my racial ambiguity can be a HUGE plus/advantage. But, not only that, at least if I live in L.A. I can personally go to agencies and give them my work. Not to mention, I never planned on staying in New York.
New York was never my home. I stayed for two reasons: my ex and my little brother. Since, neither are in my life anymore, I have no real solid ties to keep me in this god forsaken city. My future home is somewhere clean, quiet, and beautiful. I haven't found it yet, and I also doubt L.A. will be final resting place, but it is a start.
And, I'm frightened. I'm so scared, of what will happen and can happen. But, I will count my blessing that I have a definite friend who is moving with me and possibly a few others who will join in the journey. But, as it is, there is a deep breath stopping fear that is gripping my insides and I want to scream, cry, and laugh all at once. The emotions I feel equal to the thrill of leaping off a cliff and falling far into the water below, frightful and exhilarating.
Forementioned friend and I are going to take driving lessons together. Fuck going to cheap Chinese schools. I'm going to go to the school in my neighborhood and hone my skills. The plan is as follows. After she graduates in December 2014, we will drive cross country to our new home in L.A. And, even though I know she will be with me, I am still afraid to leave all I have known behind. But, I have always been brave and laughed in the face of danger. So, I will do this and keep strong.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Being the Oldest Sucks
You don't get to pick the family you're born into. You're born into circumstances you can't change. You need to live and deal with the people you are surrounded by. Sharing blood is like a magic bind that ties you forever to those who are kin. And, if you were brave or selfish enough to ignore the call of the blood and obligations that have to be fulfilled, then you are deemed a DICK.
I cannot turn my back on my family no matter how hard I wish. If they call, I will answer. If they suffer, I do as well. It sucks.
As the oldest of all my siblings I was always made to be the responsible one. I was taught everything to be more mature and think for everyone. I was told the secrets of the family that are hidden from the minds of children. I was never allowed to live in a bubble of happiness like my sisters and brother.
At 17, I was supporting my family off my Starbucks paycheck. It stopped for awhile, but then recently my mother has asked for monetary help again. But she does not know that I can barely support myself. All I can say is thank gods for credit cards with cash advance. Thank god for my good credit, even f I have debt.
But, what are you supposed to do when the woman who birthed you, gave up whatever dreams she had to raise and support you, asks for help? Can you really turn your back without feeling guilty? I can't help but promise that if I ever become successful in my endeavors that she will be the first to receive the peace that money can buy.
And, of course to keep my mother less stressed, I will keep my secrets away from her. She has enough to worry about with a jobless spouse and the twins off to expensive colleges. Twins who had no thought to how our mother would pay for their education, twins who were allowed to be young.
Am I a little mad? Yeah. Why am I always the one left to consider everyone else's well being? I'm not saying they are completely selfish, my family has come through for me when I was in emergency situations, but everyday care... everyday thought... that is left for me.
I cannot turn my back on my family no matter how hard I wish. If they call, I will answer. If they suffer, I do as well. It sucks.
As the oldest of all my siblings I was always made to be the responsible one. I was taught everything to be more mature and think for everyone. I was told the secrets of the family that are hidden from the minds of children. I was never allowed to live in a bubble of happiness like my sisters and brother.
At 17, I was supporting my family off my Starbucks paycheck. It stopped for awhile, but then recently my mother has asked for monetary help again. But she does not know that I can barely support myself. All I can say is thank gods for credit cards with cash advance. Thank god for my good credit, even f I have debt.
But, what are you supposed to do when the woman who birthed you, gave up whatever dreams she had to raise and support you, asks for help? Can you really turn your back without feeling guilty? I can't help but promise that if I ever become successful in my endeavors that she will be the first to receive the peace that money can buy.
And, of course to keep my mother less stressed, I will keep my secrets away from her. She has enough to worry about with a jobless spouse and the twins off to expensive colleges. Twins who had no thought to how our mother would pay for their education, twins who were allowed to be young.
Am I a little mad? Yeah. Why am I always the one left to consider everyone else's well being? I'm not saying they are completely selfish, my family has come through for me when I was in emergency situations, but everyday care... everyday thought... that is left for me.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Anniversary of His Death, JMB
When I was younger, I prayed for a little brother. I planned to love him unconditionally. I planned to take him to the park, movies, birthday parties. I vowed to be the best sister I could be. But, I only wanted a brother. I never wanted any sisters, but sisters aplenty I have. So, when my mother announced that she was pregnant with a boy, I thought my wish came true.
The nine months my mother was carrying my little brother were a blur, they seemed to pass by so fast. And, when my younger sisters and I were allowed to go visit my mother and new brother in the hospital, I couldn't wait to hold him.
A thing I regret now, is that my little young self didn't bring a camera to take a picture of him as a baby. But, that can't be changed now.
The next few months he was home was amazing. My mother never had to ask me to help her with him. I willingly woke up early morning to feed and change him. I gave up my cartoons to read to him. He was everything to me. So one day when I came home and he wasn't there, I worried. My mother and stepfather didn't come home their usual time. My aunt came to babysit the twins and I. I couldn't fall asleep because back then I needed to say goodnight to my mother before I was able to fall asleep.
So, when they finally came home in the dead of night I was awake. And, I didn't see my baby brother.
I asked my mother where he was and she started to cry. I think that was the only time I saw my stepfather hold my mother (even to this day).
I think I grew up that night. I realized my wish didn't come true and that there wasn't a "One" god who watched over everyone, trying to make them happy. I lost my faith in monotheism, shortly after.
My brother didn't come for a over a year. He was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy Stage 3. he needed nurses and a respirator to help him breathe. Doctors didn't expect him to live past two. My brother made it to ten years old, almost eleven.
My biggest regret in the world, is that I wasn't a better sister. I made promises to a normal brother for a normal life, but I wasn't able to adapt that plan to his condition. I couldn't take him out to play, but I could have read to him. I could have stayed with him more often in his room and just spent time with him. But, I didn't because I was too hurt and confused and selfish. I hated the world, I was depressed. I wanted to be alone.
The day he passed away is a day I will never forget. The whole universe seemed to align for me though, clearing the path so that I wouldn't be able to miss it. I'm not sure you would understand, but trust me when I say fate meant for it to be and nothing anyone did could have changed it.
I miss my brother. And, I long for the life that I wished for us. But, I can only hope that in the next life I have, we are reunited and able to be together like I planned.
There was a time when I thought I could cope with his loss; and for awhile I did. But, I was terrified of forgetting him. Because I know my mental defense-mechanism is to forget everything that hurts me and his death hurt me more than having my heart broken by my first love. (I know, what kind of comparison is that? Well, it's the only two great hurts I've suffered in my life so far.) But the truth is... now, I can't look at a photo of my brother without crying (even tough I carry a photo of him with me everywhere I go). I can't even think of him without hurting.
A part of me will never be able to overcome the pain of his life and death. Simply because it was unfair. The unspoken rule of life and death is that the old must die, while the young live. It's the reason why adults would risk their lives to save children. The older you are, the more you have lived, isn't it fair to trade your life for the one of someone younger who hasn't lived? As the eldest of all my siblings, I would give my life to save any of them. I have not loved my life to the fullest, but I have lived and I would give my life so my siblings could do the same.
It's never easy for a parent to lose a child. But, no one ever thinks to consider the hurt the siblings feel. We feel the pain, too. Because even though sibling bicker and argue and may even hate each other, there is bond that ties us together; and, when one of us is hurt, we all feel it.
My brother's life and death caused many issues between our family, but the one thing that never changed was that we all loved him with all our hearts even if we didn't show or rather, sucked at showing. And, we all felt the same guilt and pain. My brother joined our family together and he will keep us that way. His life and death will be the one burden and pain we all share.
The nine months my mother was carrying my little brother were a blur, they seemed to pass by so fast. And, when my younger sisters and I were allowed to go visit my mother and new brother in the hospital, I couldn't wait to hold him.
A thing I regret now, is that my little young self didn't bring a camera to take a picture of him as a baby. But, that can't be changed now.
The next few months he was home was amazing. My mother never had to ask me to help her with him. I willingly woke up early morning to feed and change him. I gave up my cartoons to read to him. He was everything to me. So one day when I came home and he wasn't there, I worried. My mother and stepfather didn't come home their usual time. My aunt came to babysit the twins and I. I couldn't fall asleep because back then I needed to say goodnight to my mother before I was able to fall asleep.
So, when they finally came home in the dead of night I was awake. And, I didn't see my baby brother.
I asked my mother where he was and she started to cry. I think that was the only time I saw my stepfather hold my mother (even to this day).
I think I grew up that night. I realized my wish didn't come true and that there wasn't a "One" god who watched over everyone, trying to make them happy. I lost my faith in monotheism, shortly after.
My brother didn't come for a over a year. He was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy Stage 3. he needed nurses and a respirator to help him breathe. Doctors didn't expect him to live past two. My brother made it to ten years old, almost eleven.
My biggest regret in the world, is that I wasn't a better sister. I made promises to a normal brother for a normal life, but I wasn't able to adapt that plan to his condition. I couldn't take him out to play, but I could have read to him. I could have stayed with him more often in his room and just spent time with him. But, I didn't because I was too hurt and confused and selfish. I hated the world, I was depressed. I wanted to be alone.
The day he passed away is a day I will never forget. The whole universe seemed to align for me though, clearing the path so that I wouldn't be able to miss it. I'm not sure you would understand, but trust me when I say fate meant for it to be and nothing anyone did could have changed it.
I miss my brother. And, I long for the life that I wished for us. But, I can only hope that in the next life I have, we are reunited and able to be together like I planned.
There was a time when I thought I could cope with his loss; and for awhile I did. But, I was terrified of forgetting him. Because I know my mental defense-mechanism is to forget everything that hurts me and his death hurt me more than having my heart broken by my first love. (I know, what kind of comparison is that? Well, it's the only two great hurts I've suffered in my life so far.) But the truth is... now, I can't look at a photo of my brother without crying (even tough I carry a photo of him with me everywhere I go). I can't even think of him without hurting.
A part of me will never be able to overcome the pain of his life and death. Simply because it was unfair. The unspoken rule of life and death is that the old must die, while the young live. It's the reason why adults would risk their lives to save children. The older you are, the more you have lived, isn't it fair to trade your life for the one of someone younger who hasn't lived? As the eldest of all my siblings, I would give my life to save any of them. I have not loved my life to the fullest, but I have lived and I would give my life so my siblings could do the same.
It's never easy for a parent to lose a child. But, no one ever thinks to consider the hurt the siblings feel. We feel the pain, too. Because even though sibling bicker and argue and may even hate each other, there is bond that ties us together; and, when one of us is hurt, we all feel it.
My brother's life and death caused many issues between our family, but the one thing that never changed was that we all loved him with all our hearts even if we didn't show or rather, sucked at showing. And, we all felt the same guilt and pain. My brother joined our family together and he will keep us that way. His life and death will be the one burden and pain we all share.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Animal Fight Club and Dante's 9 Circles of Hell
First and foremost: there should be a special circle in hell reserved for the disgusting humans who created Animal Fight Club.
Animal Fighting Club is, as you can guess, Fight Club without the hot Brad Pitt or any humans as a matter of fact. Animal Fight Club is a fight club where animals, not always of the same species, are placed in an enclosed ring to fight to the death as entertainment for their masters.
Unlike those that believe in the book, The Bible, I believe animals have souls and spirits. Any animal lover can see that an animals have personalities. They have likes and dislikes. They feel pain. They feel emotions. If they were soulless, they would just be mindless biological machines that did nothing except stand there like a piece of terra rock.
Nonhuman-animals have one thing we, human-animals, are not- pure innocence. Our nonhuman-animal cousins may have personalities and spirits, but they do not have a conscious as we do. Without a conscious, they cannot have the desire to do wrong, because they do not know what that means. You can say in a way, that an animal's mind lives in a world of pure innocence and naivety.
So, what kind of sick, mental sorry excuse for a human being thinks it's morally sound to destroy that type of innocence? I'll tell you- the same kind of bastards and motherf*ckers that rape and murder people.
You're probably saying, "Oh, Cassio, don't be so dramatic. Animal Fight Club ringleaders are not in the same category as rapists and murderers."
Well, to that I say, "Shut the f*ck up. And, yes, they are. And, also, in fact, hurting an animal is worse than hurting a human, because at least a human can defend themselves or call out for help. An animal won't know what's going on until it's too late. Nonhuman animals aren't evil or capable of malicious intent towards others. They have no idea, the limitless evils humans can possess and do.
Onward to the second part of my title for this post: Dante's 9 Circles of hell. Which one of these hell holes do Animal Fight Club ringleaders and spectators belong? For those of you who don't know the definings of Dante's hell map, I'll give a brief summarization.
First Circle: Limbo- where all good and decent souls go that do not believe in the "One" god and were not baptized.
Second Circle: Land of Lust- where all souls that committed adultery or fornicated out of wedlock for pleasure go.
Third Circle: Land of Gluttony- where all souls go that led a selfish life and fed their fat ass extra, not giving any to the less fortunate.
Fourth Circle: Land of Greed- where all the souls that thought of themself and only themself in every aspect; mostly filled with politicians and notorious leaders/people of power.
Fifth Circle: Land of Anger- souls that actively sought revenge for the cause of their anger issues and for those that let is sit deep inside to simmer but did nothing about it. It is a bit unfair that those that did not seek out revenge were punished but, hey apparently followers of the "One" god had to be immaculate to get into heaven.
Sixth Circle: Circle of Heretics- where all those that deny the religion and belief of the "One" god go. (Guess, I'll be going here.) But, I won't be alone, because apparently even those believing of the "One" god can go here if they believe in the wrong "sect" of the "true" religion. To be clear" even if you believe in the "One" god, if you are any other religion besides Christian/Catholic you will be joining the party that's in this circle.
Seventh Circle: Circle of Violence- where all the bastards that kill others, commit suicide, or actively destroy the earth go.
Eighth Circle: Circle of Fraud and Lies- place where all those that plan to corrupt others go. Example: cunning politicians, pimps, leaders of conspiracy groups.
Ninth Circle: Circle of Betrayal- a place where those who betrayed someone they had close ties goes. Examples: cheating spouse, parents that hurt their children or vice versa.
So, after going through the entire beehive that his hell, did you spot where Animal Fight Club ringleaders go? If you said the Seventh Circle, you are correct! According to Dante, any person committing acts of violence to the "One" god's creation, Earth, goes to the Seventh Circle. Animals are the 'fauna' part of "flora and fauna" (life of earth); to destroy any aspect of it, is to commit an act of violence against the "One" god and therefore needs to be punished.
We've all heard of cock fights aka rooster fights, dog fights, and even the occasional shark fights. But, I have never in my life heard of horse fighting until this week. Apparently it's been outlawed in the past because it was so popular and now, the sick entertainment is back deep in the jungles of the Philippines. Will the madness never end?
It's sickening how humans can be so cruel. I advocate the normal fight club, where idiotic men beat each other up. Leave the innocent animals alone.
I can't even advocate bullfighting. You're probably asking, "Why not? The bull is twice as large as a human, that's not even fair." To which I say, "No, it's not fair for the bull. Because, here is a little known fact. The bull handlers PURPOSELY injure the bull by jabbing them with spears before releasing it into the arena where the rider attempts to not be thrown off." The bull rider is looked upon as a hero the longer he stays on the back of the bull. Oh, yeah, hero? Try riding the pull without it being injured for you, you delusional idiot.
In fact, i do want to see a fight club. I want to see a fight club where an unarmed and injured human is thrown into a ring with a very upset animal. Yeah, I want to see that fight. It's only fair, right? We've had every other ind of fight club except that. And, yes, that is my malicious human side coming out. But, it's coming out to defend animals so I think it's OK.
My entire point is: it takes a really sick person to harm an animal and people who watch are demented.
Animal Fighting Club is, as you can guess, Fight Club without the hot Brad Pitt or any humans as a matter of fact. Animal Fight Club is a fight club where animals, not always of the same species, are placed in an enclosed ring to fight to the death as entertainment for their masters.
Unlike those that believe in the book, The Bible, I believe animals have souls and spirits. Any animal lover can see that an animals have personalities. They have likes and dislikes. They feel pain. They feel emotions. If they were soulless, they would just be mindless biological machines that did nothing except stand there like a piece of terra rock.
Nonhuman-animals have one thing we, human-animals, are not- pure innocence. Our nonhuman-animal cousins may have personalities and spirits, but they do not have a conscious as we do. Without a conscious, they cannot have the desire to do wrong, because they do not know what that means. You can say in a way, that an animal's mind lives in a world of pure innocence and naivety.
So, what kind of sick, mental sorry excuse for a human being thinks it's morally sound to destroy that type of innocence? I'll tell you- the same kind of bastards and motherf*ckers that rape and murder people.
You're probably saying, "Oh, Cassio, don't be so dramatic. Animal Fight Club ringleaders are not in the same category as rapists and murderers."
Well, to that I say, "Shut the f*ck up. And, yes, they are. And, also, in fact, hurting an animal is worse than hurting a human, because at least a human can defend themselves or call out for help. An animal won't know what's going on until it's too late. Nonhuman animals aren't evil or capable of malicious intent towards others. They have no idea, the limitless evils humans can possess and do.
Onward to the second part of my title for this post: Dante's 9 Circles of hell. Which one of these hell holes do Animal Fight Club ringleaders and spectators belong? For those of you who don't know the definings of Dante's hell map, I'll give a brief summarization.
First Circle: Limbo- where all good and decent souls go that do not believe in the "One" god and were not baptized.
Second Circle: Land of Lust- where all souls that committed adultery or fornicated out of wedlock for pleasure go.
Third Circle: Land of Gluttony- where all souls go that led a selfish life and fed their fat ass extra, not giving any to the less fortunate.
Fourth Circle: Land of Greed- where all the souls that thought of themself and only themself in every aspect; mostly filled with politicians and notorious leaders/people of power.
Fifth Circle: Land of Anger- souls that actively sought revenge for the cause of their anger issues and for those that let is sit deep inside to simmer but did nothing about it. It is a bit unfair that those that did not seek out revenge were punished but, hey apparently followers of the "One" god had to be immaculate to get into heaven.
Sixth Circle: Circle of Heretics- where all those that deny the religion and belief of the "One" god go. (Guess, I'll be going here.) But, I won't be alone, because apparently even those believing of the "One" god can go here if they believe in the wrong "sect" of the "true" religion. To be clear" even if you believe in the "One" god, if you are any other religion besides Christian/Catholic you will be joining the party that's in this circle.
Seventh Circle: Circle of Violence- where all the bastards that kill others, commit suicide, or actively destroy the earth go.
Eighth Circle: Circle of Fraud and Lies- place where all those that plan to corrupt others go. Example: cunning politicians, pimps, leaders of conspiracy groups.
Ninth Circle: Circle of Betrayal- a place where those who betrayed someone they had close ties goes. Examples: cheating spouse, parents that hurt their children or vice versa.
So, after going through the entire beehive that his hell, did you spot where Animal Fight Club ringleaders go? If you said the Seventh Circle, you are correct! According to Dante, any person committing acts of violence to the "One" god's creation, Earth, goes to the Seventh Circle. Animals are the 'fauna' part of "flora and fauna" (life of earth); to destroy any aspect of it, is to commit an act of violence against the "One" god and therefore needs to be punished.
We've all heard of cock fights aka rooster fights, dog fights, and even the occasional shark fights. But, I have never in my life heard of horse fighting until this week. Apparently it's been outlawed in the past because it was so popular and now, the sick entertainment is back deep in the jungles of the Philippines. Will the madness never end?
It's sickening how humans can be so cruel. I advocate the normal fight club, where idiotic men beat each other up. Leave the innocent animals alone.
I can't even advocate bullfighting. You're probably asking, "Why not? The bull is twice as large as a human, that's not even fair." To which I say, "No, it's not fair for the bull. Because, here is a little known fact. The bull handlers PURPOSELY injure the bull by jabbing them with spears before releasing it into the arena where the rider attempts to not be thrown off." The bull rider is looked upon as a hero the longer he stays on the back of the bull. Oh, yeah, hero? Try riding the pull without it being injured for you, you delusional idiot.
In fact, i do want to see a fight club. I want to see a fight club where an unarmed and injured human is thrown into a ring with a very upset animal. Yeah, I want to see that fight. It's only fair, right? We've had every other ind of fight club except that. And, yes, that is my malicious human side coming out. But, it's coming out to defend animals so I think it's OK.
My entire point is: it takes a really sick person to harm an animal and people who watch are demented.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Need to Feel
As I have established before, I read a lot. I read often. I read many books in the span of one month. I honestly can say I probably go through a hundred books a year at least. I have another friend who also shares my enthusiasm for books. We don't share the exact same tastes in topics and genres but now and then we find we are able to exchange books and read each other's picks.
In the past two days I have read four of her books all which belong in the fictional teen angst genre. And, I can just say first and foremost: I have not met anyone who has had such a dramatic teen experience as described in every teen book you come across. Which begs the question: how the hell did these authors get these ideas? It's not realistic. Sure, there are bullies and love triangles, drugs, sex, etc. But none of the situations you come across in these teen angst books have actually ever occurred. So what is it with all the dramatic bullshyt?
Passion.
We crave drama which is loaded with passion. In fact, passion is the main ingredient of drama. A cup of passion, sprinkle of logic, 1/4 cup of angst, tablespoon of preferred spice (sex, drugs, etc.), 1/2 cup of love, 1/2 cup of unrequited love. Mix. Bake until done. Remove from oven to cool down.
The sure silliness of it all, me a young adult reading teen angst books. But goddamn I wish my high school life was that entertaining. Maybe then I wouldn't have hated school so much. But, what i really crave after reading those books, is not drama, but the passion that ignited it all. I want to feel passion for something. No- not something. Someone.
I want to want someone.
And, not in a unattainable way like a fangirl wanting a celebrity. I want to want someone attainable and real, someone who I know or maybe even just someone I happened to meet and exchanged clever, witty words like in a rom-com. And, as unrealistic as that sounds, having a rom-com moment can happen, it's just rare and not likely to happen to me.
But, what is life without passion? All these writers of movies and books, they write about characters that fall in love after a dramatic experience and how having passion got them through to the end.
It's only natural instinct to want that. And, if you don't you feel empty inside.
I feel empty inside. I want to want to be in love again. I was in love once and it sucked big time. And, ever since then I guess my subconscious learned its lesson and doesn't want to go through more pain. Either that or, I'm just f*cking picky as hell and I'll be a spinster for the rest of my life, especially since the males of my generation and that before me and definitely that after suck major balls.
I want to love someone. I think I can love someone well. I just can't find that person I want to love. All these goddamn books and movies about love basically show you that love is easy to find, but it's not. Most people nowadays don't just walk up to someone and say something cool. The lechers of this planet just make lewd comments that make a girl want to punch his lights out.
But despite all the disappointing picks a woman has of men this day and age, they and I have the need to feel love. We want it, crave it, desire it, wish for it so hard. It's as if the knowledge that passion's fire fuels us to live is engraved in the back of our hearts and we try to seek it out. But, whether or not we find it and succeed in keeping it, is a different story. And, whether or not we keep searching after losing it or not finding the accurate one is also an issue. How many women give up hope after losing love the first time around? How many women keep trying no matter how foolish they look in their continuous attempts?
How is it fair that men don't feel the same need to seek out love? Or to be fair, why is it MOST men don't feel the need to indulge in genuine passion that does not revolve around two or more naked bodies for a couple of hours?
I blame society and the lack of true utopianism. Our society pressures us into searching for financial security over personal and genuine happiness? But, what the hell are we working for? Is life really work living without passion for anything? You are born to work and work to live, just to save money to grow old comfortably and die. Where is the joy in that? Sure, you MIGHT get lucky and find love for something or someone, but if you do, you can indulge in it. You have to get back to reality which is to work to survive. If we were in a true utopian society, there would be no such thing as working to survive. In a true utopian society, we work only to get what we need in bare minimum and live out the rest of our time of day seeking out our passions.
They say that, to marry for love is a luxury and to chase a dream is futile. But why? Why can't people be joined together for love? Why can't the rich man's son become a painter or a teacher? In our pitiful existence of this era, can't we be granted this one thing? We don't have the luxury of seeking out other passions, so if we happen to find one, can't we be granted the peace of seeking ourselves into it?
As animals, (and yes, I used the terms animals not humans, because we are animals) we need to feel. We need emotions to let us know we are alive, that our hearts beat for a reason, and not just because we happen to exist. I want to know that I am alive and not wasting my time or other considered valuable resources on this planet.
I want to feel passion for something AND someone. I wish for it. But, whether or not I'll find it is a different thing entirely.
In the past two days I have read four of her books all which belong in the fictional teen angst genre. And, I can just say first and foremost: I have not met anyone who has had such a dramatic teen experience as described in every teen book you come across. Which begs the question: how the hell did these authors get these ideas? It's not realistic. Sure, there are bullies and love triangles, drugs, sex, etc. But none of the situations you come across in these teen angst books have actually ever occurred. So what is it with all the dramatic bullshyt?
Passion.
We crave drama which is loaded with passion. In fact, passion is the main ingredient of drama. A cup of passion, sprinkle of logic, 1/4 cup of angst, tablespoon of preferred spice (sex, drugs, etc.), 1/2 cup of love, 1/2 cup of unrequited love. Mix. Bake until done. Remove from oven to cool down.
The sure silliness of it all, me a young adult reading teen angst books. But goddamn I wish my high school life was that entertaining. Maybe then I wouldn't have hated school so much. But, what i really crave after reading those books, is not drama, but the passion that ignited it all. I want to feel passion for something. No- not something. Someone.
I want to want someone.
And, not in a unattainable way like a fangirl wanting a celebrity. I want to want someone attainable and real, someone who I know or maybe even just someone I happened to meet and exchanged clever, witty words like in a rom-com. And, as unrealistic as that sounds, having a rom-com moment can happen, it's just rare and not likely to happen to me.
But, what is life without passion? All these writers of movies and books, they write about characters that fall in love after a dramatic experience and how having passion got them through to the end.
It's only natural instinct to want that. And, if you don't you feel empty inside.
I feel empty inside. I want to want to be in love again. I was in love once and it sucked big time. And, ever since then I guess my subconscious learned its lesson and doesn't want to go through more pain. Either that or, I'm just f*cking picky as hell and I'll be a spinster for the rest of my life, especially since the males of my generation and that before me and definitely that after suck major balls.
I want to love someone. I think I can love someone well. I just can't find that person I want to love. All these goddamn books and movies about love basically show you that love is easy to find, but it's not. Most people nowadays don't just walk up to someone and say something cool. The lechers of this planet just make lewd comments that make a girl want to punch his lights out.
But despite all the disappointing picks a woman has of men this day and age, they and I have the need to feel love. We want it, crave it, desire it, wish for it so hard. It's as if the knowledge that passion's fire fuels us to live is engraved in the back of our hearts and we try to seek it out. But, whether or not we find it and succeed in keeping it, is a different story. And, whether or not we keep searching after losing it or not finding the accurate one is also an issue. How many women give up hope after losing love the first time around? How many women keep trying no matter how foolish they look in their continuous attempts?
How is it fair that men don't feel the same need to seek out love? Or to be fair, why is it MOST men don't feel the need to indulge in genuine passion that does not revolve around two or more naked bodies for a couple of hours?
I blame society and the lack of true utopianism. Our society pressures us into searching for financial security over personal and genuine happiness? But, what the hell are we working for? Is life really work living without passion for anything? You are born to work and work to live, just to save money to grow old comfortably and die. Where is the joy in that? Sure, you MIGHT get lucky and find love for something or someone, but if you do, you can indulge in it. You have to get back to reality which is to work to survive. If we were in a true utopian society, there would be no such thing as working to survive. In a true utopian society, we work only to get what we need in bare minimum and live out the rest of our time of day seeking out our passions.
They say that, to marry for love is a luxury and to chase a dream is futile. But why? Why can't people be joined together for love? Why can't the rich man's son become a painter or a teacher? In our pitiful existence of this era, can't we be granted this one thing? We don't have the luxury of seeking out other passions, so if we happen to find one, can't we be granted the peace of seeking ourselves into it?
As animals, (and yes, I used the terms animals not humans, because we are animals) we need to feel. We need emotions to let us know we are alive, that our hearts beat for a reason, and not just because we happen to exist. I want to know that I am alive and not wasting my time or other considered valuable resources on this planet.
I want to feel passion for something AND someone. I wish for it. But, whether or not I'll find it is a different thing entirely.
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